You know you’re a good mom when you remember to set both PVRs to record Bachelor Pad but you forget to give your 17 month old her bedtime dose of antibiotics for a raging ear infection. The rest of you in the running for Mom of The Year might as well back out now. I think we all know who the real winner is here.
Ok now, kids in bed? Check. Wine? Check. Husband out? Check. Pathetic attempt at chocolate snack? Check. If you must know, my plan to not have chocolate in the house to avoid me eating said chocolate isn’t working because I managed to scrounge up some chocolate chips from my pantry of baking ingredients. Great. Next week I’ll be sneaking a ¼ cup of flour. You know you’re desperate when…
Aah…just me and my Bachelor Pad, together at last snuggling up for an evening of getting to know each other. There was a part of me that thought maybe the show would take place in a different house, just to shake it up a bit, you know? So of course, I was sorely disappointed to see the glazed sparkling driveway that looks slippery enough to luge on, the overgrown landscaping, the plethora of Moroccan style lanterns, the cascading drapery in an abundance of vomitous patterns, the overdose of mixed metals, the ornate furniture, the hand-job blankets resting on every flat surface so at a moment’s notice, someone can be pleasured in ‘private’ and more and more and more. I guess, in the Bachelor world, it’s just called ‘home’. Home to, as Chris Harrison put it, ‘people who didn’t find love on the Bachelor or Bachelorette shows’…so basically pretty much everyone.
As my people say at our Passover seders every year, it would have been enough for us. The glorious previews of the season that had me salivating with anticipation? It would have been enough for us. Just the first part of the show where everyone introduces themselves and gives their shpiel? It would have been enough for us. But that’s the thing about the Bachelor Pad. It’s the show that keeps on giving.
So let’s begin. That’s right, five paragraphs in and I’m ready to ‘begin.’ So, what are you gonna do about it? Call the resident badass Justin to intimidate me with his rated PG stare-downs? I can lean on a wall of graffiti too, ya know. Or get Ella all up in my business, so she can “punch me in the face over and over again.” She might as well have said ‘I’mma cut you’ in the previews.
The scientific research that went into the selection of this cast is truly astounding. How they managed to bring together such a group of psychos, so many exes, such awkward enemies (Jackie and Michelle much? Or Kasey and Jake discussing the weather? Where is Weatherman when you need him?), I truly, as a viewer, sincerely appreciate the effort. It was truly great to be reunited with the familiar, psychotic, annoying, beautiful, ridiculous cast members of BP2.
Jewish Jackie. Oy. Didn’t your mother teach you how to apply makeup? I swear, it was like one interview clip had way too much bronzer and one had way too much blush. As the camera flipped back and forth between the two interviews, I started to get nauseous – bronzer, blush, bronzer, blush, which will it land on? Jackie certainly didn’t waste any time taking care of ‘meeting someone’, as she explained was her goal, and surprise surprise, Ames seems pretty much over Ashley, as he and Jackie sucked face within the first 24 hours of arriving.
I thought Jackie’s makeup was too much. But then I saw Michelle, who is apparently the narrator this season. Dear god. There’s no doubt, the girl is still beyond gorgeous, but sweetheart, it’s a bit too much. It looked like her face was dipped into a pool of perfection and when it emerged an entire immaculately drawn on face had been glazed onto it. Michelle’s social butterfly, welcome wagon persona at the cocktail party was a bit alarming. I kept waiting for the real Michelle to start spinning her web from baroque chandelier to artificial plant hung disproportionately on the wall, but it never happened. Showing the footage of her in her hometown solidified it for me. Her taste is officially questionable. I started to really have doubts when she was a guest on ‘After the Final Rose’ last week, but after seeing her walking along her suburban streets in neon rainbow stilettos and then in that black cocktail party dress, well, there’s no doubt anymore.
Oh Gia. Our little Gia Pet. Back for more self-inflicted torture. As if your general beauty, duck lips and adorable speech impediment don’t set you apart from the crowd enough, you went the extra mile this go around with a handy diagram to decode just how pathetic your decision-making skills are and just how unlucky in love you’ve really been. You shouldn’t have. Really. Here’s a tip: If your penmanship requires a dot-to-dot layout of the words to trace over in order to make it legible, like my three year old son, or if there’s a pretty solid chance you could be dyslexic (is it weird that that just makes her cuter?), perhaps you should consider…oh, I dunno…typing up your chart? Or better yet…not going that route at all? And thank you Gia, for drawing attention to a move that so many stupid women make. Boy cheats on girlfriend. Girlfriend gets mad at girl he cheated with, rather than boy who cheated. Oh and in this case, there was pretty much no chance that boy wasn’t going to cheat since it was Wes, the original gangsta of cheating (had a girlfriend on Jillian’s season, got Gia to cheat on her boyfriend with him, remember?) In fact, maybe Gia should be looking in the mirror when she’s pointing that finger of hers. She’s not exactly innocent here (even if she looks it). Oh well, you know what they say (cue strumming guitar and southern drawl)…they say love…it don’t come eeeeeaaaasssy….
Vienna. What a friggin train wreck this girl is. In her pre-cocktail party interview, Vienna tells us, “I’m competitive…and awesome? Are you asking us, Vienna, or did you recently learn up-speak from Ashley? You certainly don’t have any skills when it comes to choosing a haircut. Or a boyfriend, for that matter. What’s up with the tanning tent in her apartment (and more importantly why did said apartment look like a low budget porn set?) I have never seen Vienna work so hard at doing anything as she did to display her anxiety and turn the house against Jake as quickly as possible. Judging by her heavy breathing, her contractions must have been less than a minute apart from the moment she got out of the limo. You could tell most of the house was barely humoring her as she tried to steal the thunder of every conversation taking place. I’ll tell you, by the end of the episode, as I’m sure most of you will agree, I was totally feeling for Jake. It’s obvious Vienna is off her rocker. I’m not saying he’s innocent here, or possibly a closet spouse abuser, but I felt kinda bad for Mr. Golly-Gee-That’s-Terrific by the end of the episode.
Kasey. Welcome to the Bachelor Pad. This apparently, is your time to shine, buddy. I don’t know what sort of parallel universe we are living in, where a barely-decipherable garden gnome, filthy feet and all, is ruling the roost, coining phrases like ‘We’re allianced’ (it’s a verb now?), ‘core four’, ‘mind-plow’ and ‘Triangle of Annoyance’ left right and centre.
Princess Erica. Wow, according to you, you’ve grown up a lot in the past four years. Interesting how your face has stayed exactly the same. Gotta love the girl for being honest when she says “there’s not much I wouldn’t do to win Bachelor Pad, outside of compromising my morals, but my morals aren’t really that strict, so it’s ok.” Wow. Your parents must be so proud. By the way, sidebar: Apparently Erica and Vienna do end up friends, because it’s none other than Erica’s dad who recently did Vienna’s nose job for her (I know shocking her dad is a plastic surgeon – ya may want to reconsider that walking business card of a daughter you got there. Not exactly your best work). And surprise surprise, Vienna crashed at Erica’s to recover. I’m sort of surprised by how quiet Erica was this episode, though it could possibly be because she is literally unable to move her mouth. Either way, after I saw that figure skating costume of a dress (that clearly, FULLY displayed her Spanx through the nude layer), I’m pretty confident she’ll be one of my faves this season. How could she not be? Nothing says class like transparent stilettos.
Graham. You’re not as good looking as I remember. Your face is kinda weird actually. I think once there’s a bit of scruff in there, you’ll be cuter. But who knew, you’re a giver? Building wells for kids? Hot. Accent? Hot. Now, let’s get that 5:00 shadow going.
Ella. Whoa. Where to begin. First of all, how are you 31? You make me feel like I must look like a Spring chicken at 33. You look at least 45. Especially during all of your interviews once you arrived at the house. Your makeup is gone, your hair is disheveled. Either you’re lying about your age or you’ve just come straight from your weekly Wednesday night gang bang at the trailer park. And dropping that bomb on us about your mom? Murdered in front of you by your step-sister’s dad (or let’s be honest, daddy). Wow, I mean, I admire you for getting through that and wish you and your son a better life, but Jesus, someone just got about five shades redder in the collar area, no?
Michael and Holly. The exes that might as well be referred to together since you chose to do the challenge of being straddled to each other over a bed together. That can’t be awkward, can it now? Michael you’re a cutie and second to a crisp white t-shirt, gotta say I have a thing for guys in light blue. HOT. Looks like you might be carrying around a bit of extra estrogen this season, but I still hope it all works out for you. Holly, you tried a bit too hard with that outfit getting out of the limo. The silver hoops, the gold necklace, the borderline tutu with the shleppy top? All wrong. But, what can I expect from a girl who thinks a douchebag like Blake is cute and that use of the word ‘household’ is impressive. And by the way, Blake – Erica may be a bit too thick for you, but your ego is a bit too thick for me. You are, in a word, Meh.
Kirk. Waste of a spot. Next? William. Ditto.
Justin. You are an embarrassment. Plain and simple. Your slow swagger and cocky attitude got you a five minute stint on the Bachelor Pad. And what was up with your all black outfit with the red tie? What is this, the 90s? Are you the lost member of Colour Me Badd? Good ‘strategy’ agreeing to an alliance and then outing it one minute later. You are solely responsible for getting poor Alli kicked off the show, not the other way around, and I think she really could have gone far this season. Her boobs had actually separated into two. The only legacy you’ve brought to the Pad is coining Vienna and Kasey Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. Nice one.
It’s crazy how quickly people seem to hook up into couples, once Chris Harrison announced the team strategy for the next day’s challenge. Honestly, I turn away for a second to refill my wine and Melissa has awkwardly snaked her way between Blake’s legs at the fire like it’s a Saturday night movie night at camp. Not to mention Ames, AKA Sloth from the Goonies, sucking face with Jackie.
I think the first challenge has really set the tone for the class factor this season. Let’s not forget, there’s $250K at stake here. This ain’t no Wheel of Fortune where you’re lucky if you come out with eight dollars. Like the famous Twister challenge last season, these women don’t seem to have a problem getting into their bikinis to dangle precariously mid-air, with every chance of an ingrown, a boob, or a labia, jumping out from the safe enclosure of Lycra at any given moment.
I think we all got a clear picture of Kasey and Vienna’s relationship as they clung to each other for dear life (we also got a clear shot of Michelle’s vagine and her breasts that still managed to point upwards even though she was upside down as she showed off, but that’s another story). Kasey basically did everything he could to hold onto Vienna as her gnarled toes wrapped around him but he was no match for Jake’s brute determination – at least I know that if I’m ever dangling from a 3000 foot cliff, I should look out for Jake. Kasey and Vienna fall and in Vienna’s true character she leaves poor Kasey curled up in the fetal position to deal with his gangrene all by himself while Jake and Jackie dance the horah in celebration of their victory. Nice.
Chris bids the group adieu, dressed not only in a suit, but also a sweater vest – is that really necessary in the same temperature that the girls standing next to you are in bikinis?
So Jake and Jackie head off on their date, mush to Ames’ dismay. At this point, once again, we get to hear Jake’s side of the story and I’m truly torn. Who do we believe people? Jake or Vienna? Who’s side are we on? Jackie cuddles up awkwardly with Jake as they discuss the ludicrous possibility of giving Vienna the rose. This alone makes me think Jake has been telling the truth the whole time. If he was really lying and hated Vienna, why would he give her the freedom to stay?
Back at the house, Vienna is ‘mind-plowing’ Kasey, to use his own terminology, as she criticizes him in the hot tub for not protecting her like he promised. Vienna, his legs were purple. Did you not see them? He couldn’t feel his pelvic area. And judging by the hot lovin’ that occurred as a direct result of Jake giving you the rose and your sudden desire to marry him and ‘have his babies’, you’re gonna need that general vicinity. I can just picture him guarding and protecting her all the way to orgasm.
It’s pretty obvious once the seed is planted, that Jake is obsessed with giving Vienna the rose. Even though Gia and him have a heart to heart, accompanied by her slippers which I can only assume are from Snookie’s new line – yes she has a line of slippers), he is still pretty set in his ways. And when did this show become for smart people? Chess and the Trojans? Seriously? Of course, Gia is crying, in that horrible beached whale struggling for oxygen kinda way. Did I miss something? Were Gia and Jake together at one point? Why is Jake the one she never thought would hurt her? And really, Gia, if you’re looking for someone to guard and protect your heart, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
So, the episode is coming to a close. Jake gives Vienna the rose, which basically acts as an aphrodisiac for Kasey and Vienna who barely utter a thank you to Jake and hightail it to their room to bang while Jake gives himself a thumbs up for a conversation that apparently went ‘terrific’.
During the cocktail party, Blake’s efforts are futile (wonder if that’ll come back to bite him) and of course, Gia demonstrates poor judgment and keeps Kasey around even though it was she who said right at the beginning that breaking up the power couples has to be priority number one.
Goodbye Justin, you poor excuse for a badass and goodbye Alli, you poor little butterfly who never got a chance to spread her wings (or legs – this is Bachelor Pad after all).
Till next week y’all…