Ding, dong, the witch is dead!
Ok, that’s a bit harsh, but after the worst season ever, I am just glad to be putting it all behind me. By deciding to blog only once after the whole Sunday/Monday overdose of The Bachelorette, I definitely feel like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. I have about 5 pages of notes to get through and even as I peruse them now, I’m starting to yawn. Because let’s face it, there isn’t much to say.
But, I might as well go out with a bang, so here’s my best attempt.
As soon as I saw the preview for what we were about to experience on The Men Tell All, I knew we were in trouble. Is this new thing of bringing in the cavalry of alumni to offer advice a permanent thing? And if so, Deanna? Really? While I’m snacking? It’s just impolite. Between Deanna just existing and Alli’s ridiculously placed extensions (at least maybe there’s a chance her hair is clean if it’s fake), it really set the tone.
So blah, blah, blah, the men are introduced, and…wait a second…we seem to be missing about three dots here…where’s Bentley??? Are you effen kidding me??? How is he not contractually obligated to be on this episode??? This was the #1 reason why most of America is sitting down watching this right now! Could not be more disappointed in Bentley. It’s very easy to be a cocky asshole when you’re talking to a camera, but going in front of a live audience is another thing, isn’t it Big Boy? Way to pussy out.
As the overall panel of guys were introduced, it reminded me of what a sorry-ass group they were. Between Tim’s homage to West Side Story of an outfit, to the clip of the Mask (AKA KD Lang) dropping a deuce while the guys are just going in and out of the washroom doing their hair, to Chris D in general (who are you?), to Ames’s hair, not to mention Chris Harrison’s failed attempt at Yiddish slang – it’s not shnockered, Chris, it’s shnickered – where is JP’s mom when you need her?), I just can’t believe this was the pool Ashley got to fish in.
I won’t waste time on the obvious, like Tim (way to distribute that liquor to every pore of your body, loser) or the reminder of Ashley’s outfit with Constantine on the lantern date (THE jeans (and you know which ones you are), the five inch heels and the t-shirt that never was), or petty details like her foot cramp during Tai Chi (really?) And was I the only one who didn’t notice the whole x rated banana display or the Vaseline on the nightstand? I mean, you guys know I’m all about the details, but those totally slipped by me. Am I losing my touch?
The best thing about the Men Tell All was definitely the two minute sneak peek at Bachelor Pad. I am counting down the minutes! Blake and Melissa and Vienna, oh my! Oh, and I think I finally figured out Gia’s flaw. Pretty sure that when she cries she sounds like a farm animal in labour. Just sayin’.
Ok let’s just try to move on, because I have a lot of ground to cover. William. Hope it’s not too bright out here for you – really appreciate you leaving your black hole of despair to do this interview. You are less of a cutie now than when this show started (and that’s not saying much). Just in case we didn’t already know you were immature from your confession early on that you’re a 30 year old boy, the fact that you covered your ears as they aired your footage certainly made it clear. You sort of redeemed yourself with the line ‘Cuz none of us can find a girl to date’ when asked ‘why are we all here?” Sort of.
Nick. Were you trying to make up for lost time or something? Just because you didn’t really get interviewed all season, doesn’t mean you should start cross examining every single guy there. I mean really, you’re a trainer. Perhaps you should be training yourself to wear sunscreen instead of reading ‘Interrogation for Dummies’.
Love the fact that as Blake continued to call out Ryan for the vicious camp counsellor that he is, Ryan defended himself with books. Well, I guess that put Blake in his place, didn’t it? You don’t mess with a man and his books. Knowledge can be a very powerful weapon, no? Looking forward to seeing Blake reveal himself as a sociopath on Bachelor Pad as he reluctantly makes out with Melissa.
I wasn’t surprised to see Ames (fresh off the windiest golf course ever) receive some pretty nice fanfare. Even though he is unable to move his neck, and he kisses like a vulture circling a baby lion on a mountaintop, he is definitely one of a kind and a very sweet guy. Definitely not sweet enough to be the next Bachelor (please God, no, just give us someone new who isn’t tainted by a previous season), but sweet enough for me to wish him well. I’m sure he really appreciated the beautiful gift box clearly taken right off the set of the Bachelor house, in all its hideousness. Don’t think he’ll be donning those gloves anytime soon.
A few last minute thoughts on The Men Tell All. Michelle – what the hell are you wearing? Seriously. What was that top? And speaking of what was that top, Ashley, what was that dress? It basically looked like you were trying to put on your speed skater dress and it was trying to run away from you so you did the best you could and managed to get a sleeve or so on. It was almost as traumatizing as having to watch the filming of that Nair ad in the bloopers. Shudder.
Finally, Alli, though I’m sure Ashley appreciates your support of ‘her’ decision to say goodbye to Bentley ‘the moment she realized he wasn’t a good man’, once again, let’s just be clear. In no way was Ashley proactive about saying goodbye to Bentley. Bentley told her there was basically no way it was going to happen for her and she reluctantly moved onto the other guys. Let’s just call a spade a spade. Why is this such a difficult concept for people to understand?
Ok, I’m exhausted, let’s just move on to the actual episode. There was very little part of me that actually even wanted to watch this finale. Honestly I had a long day, and I was in for a three hour TV commitment. But might as well see it through.
We open with “Chris telling us that it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…” Damn right, Chris. The end of the season.
Ashley joins her family in a lovely setting and we meet today’s cast. There’s the stepdad, who I’m sure is really comfortable as Ashley jumps right into a detailed discussion of her burning passion with JP, her brother, who looks so ridiculous in that necklace, I wanted to rip it off of him, her sister, who for some reason is dressed for a business meeting in closed toe pumps where everyone else is in flip flops, and her mom, who is clearly having a perspiration issue. I mean seriously, did you see the sweat pouring off her chest? Menopause much? Even Ashley at one point isn’t even paying attention to her family’s words of wisdom as she mops her boobs down with a tea towel when JP joined them. All I have to say is thank god she wasn’t wearing THE JEANS.
You could tell right off the bat that her sister is a bitch (not judging a book by its cover or anything), just the fact that she frolicked over to Ashley and Ashley actually said to her ‘who are you???’ because she was just as taken aback by the warm display of affection as we were.
Once JP came into the picture it went downhill, literally. I thought Ashley was going to stop, drop and roll as we watched her attempting to run in wedge heels in ankle deep sand. Pretty impressive, I gotta say. Once the initial convos were out of the way and they sat down to their sit com meal, with all of them on one side of the table, Ashley’s sister’s true colours came shining through. It was like she was hosting a game show or something…”So, JP…are you ready, JP?” Very weird. In the meantime, Ashley’s getting drunk in the corner and trying to justify why humour isn’t needed in a relationship. That and a guy who knows how to put in a DVD. Awesome.
And then once the girls got a chance to chat, Ashley went from zero to 100 pretty quickly. The minute her sister told her she wasn’t in to JP, she started hyperventilating and brushing her bangs so furiously I thought they were going to fly off her forehead. Um, Christie, bitter much? What? You’re divorced? Who would have thought???
You have to give Ashley credit at this point. The girl has been through more on this show than I think any other Bachelorette in history. She gets completely fucked over and played on national TV essentially while the word points and laughs. She’s got guys leaving the show. Her hair colour keeps changing on her. Her sister is the C word. The group of guys she got stuck with gets a B minus at best. And finally when it’s nearing the end and her family joins her, her sister pretty much makes her question the entire process she’s just been through. And no doubt, she’s handling all of this while battling severe yeast infections and bunions from half her wardrobe.
So JP’s date is sabotaged and then, instead of JP getting the reassurance he needs, Ashley basically admits to him that she’s easily influenced by others and constantly seeking approval from her family. You’d think as the most insecure person ever that she’d be a little more sensitive to his needs. And the fact that amidst all of this a proposal is still entirely plausible, just makes the show that much more ridiculous.
The next day, once again, Ashley’s sister is dressed for the boardroom as we prepare to meet Ben. I gotta say, I’m liking Ben more and more. At least he was able to go along with the whole dog voice thing (even if it made me feel weird inside). His humour is very dry, which (surprise, surprise!) is my cup of tea…and speaking of tea, after he tells us his mom and sister like to go for tea, all I can think is can you imagine Ashley’s sister and Ben’s sister trying to plan a stagette for her? Amazing. I would watch a reality show on that.
Basically it was a good date, and as Ashley grabbed his ass as a means of saying goodbye (she did the exact same thing to JP, by the way), I’m thinking, goodie, we’re half way through the episode! Which is good, cuz I’m pretty much boring myself to tears writing this and there’s not much I can do about it. When life hands you lemons…it sucks.
The next day, she gets her final one on one date with Ben. I don’t know what was up with his neon Sun Ice bathing suit circa 1990 but it was off-putting. It seemed like Ashley was enjoying putting the mud on herself even more than she liked putting it on Ben. Later, when they sat in his room next to that random congealing dessert listening to the sound of the air conditioner (awkward much?), it was painful waiting for him to finally tell him he loves her (the poor guy has been building up to it all season!). And, I’m hoping those were mosquito bites all over her ass, not ass-ne when they had their final makeout session.
The next day, when Ashley and her bedazzled friend Victoria’s Secret go to meet JP (or Jaype, as she called him for short – no joke), JP was once again looking for some reassurance from her after the debacle of meeting her family and Ashley tries to rationalize it with would-be meaningful statements like “Any good relationship should be questioned.” Um…does that even make sense? Does anyone else think that out there? I was trying to decide if I agreed and really, I have no idea what that means. At that point, I thought for sure, she was leaning towards Ben, especially after she mafia-kissed JP on the cheeks as he poured his heart out to her. But then of course, she seems to change her mind and inform us that she is certain of her feelings for him, as we watch her make out on the beach with him.
Finally, back at the room, JP takes his purse off the table to reveal the obligatory arts and crafts goodbye gift. Of course, he pours his heart out in it, with every cliché and too many mentions of the word journey to count. And of course, Ashley clutches it in her hot little hands as she goes shoeless (ew) back to her room to make the biggest decision of her life.
Ok, next is a few minutes of montage, montage, montage, yada, yada, yada, with a brief break for Ashley to install her 14 foot long eyelashes just to hang out on her balcony deep in thought. The ring scene (can you tell I’m just desperately trying to get through this), comes and goes with a few funny moments. One: The ring Ben finally chooses looks big enough to fit Ursula the Sea Witch (don’t they size them to fit Ashley automatically before they get to pick???) Two: You know JP’s in trouble when Neil Lane is preparing Jaype for rejection and telling him he wants to be there for him.
Finally, the light at the end of the dank, dismal, tunnel is in sight. In true Bachelorette history, the worst dress is saved for last (unless you count the lace-backed tube sock she wore when Ames got the boot). When the camera slowly and painfully panned up to reveal Ben, I just felt terrible. And as he was giving his voiceover, I was just cringing and yelling ‘Stop talking! Stop talking!’ at the screen. “Today I’m going to propose to Ashley and she’s gonna say yes”? Are you kidding me? And then “We lost one family member (tear) and now we’re gaining another? Seriously? Just make it stop!
I think I blocked out that moment mostly from the time he started speaking till the end, but I do have to give him credit for being exactly how he should have been. Angry. Bitter. Not letting her off easy. Good for you, Ben. I hope you know how much we were all behind you in that moment when you got into the boat equivalent of public transit to get to the airport. To go to your friend’s wedding. Oy. And really boat driver? Did you really need to drive right past Ashley again as JP’s plane is pulling in? This really isn’t the time for a tour of the island Shame.
And then there’s JP. Who didn’t even let her get a word in. Of course she said yes to the proposal. I mean, they have been on five whole dates (which we were reminded of in the brutal closing montage) and of course, we will be reading about their breakup and her and Bentley’s love child in no time.
So…After the Final Rose. I’m gonna make this quick. Usually they put the best looking people in live audiences but there must have been slim pickins that night because they just couldn’t stop focusing on the Toothless Wonder in the front row. I thought Ben did really well given the pain of the situation, but I have to say to the producers, did you really need to air the footage of him talking about his dad? That’s just harsh.
Ashley tells us that Ben is just a good man. Yeah sweetheart, it’s called a mensh and you better learn those terms quick, cuz JP’s mom wouldn’t have it any other way. And nice toss in of the word Chanukah over the closing credits as your sister lists all the Christian holidays she can’t wait to share with him.
Did anyone else want to beat Ashley and JP right off the little corner of the TV screen as they watched their proposal? They do seem very happy together, or at least JP’s tongue did as she shoved it in Ashley’s mouth every five seconds. But this is The Bachelorette. We all know it won’t last. There’s only one Ryan and Trista…well, two technically.
Ok I’m totally spent and totally sorry that this last blog for the season was just not funny enough for my liking. But honestly, throw me a bone. Haven’t I suffered enough just from having to pay such close attention for the last ten or so weeks? I promise to make it up to you for Bachelor Pad. Less than a week to go. Who’s with me? What a silly question. Obviously, all of you.