The Bachelorette – Ashley – Episode Nine

Last night was difficult for a couple of reasons. 

First, because this season is just slowly KILLING me and second because for some reason last night my husband decided to look up from the iPad and actually become interested in the show, about nine episodes too late.  So like an incessant mosquito buzzing in your ear the second before you fall blissfully asleep, I had to contend with his questions.  “Are Constantin and Ben the same guy?”  “No honey, that’s soooo Episode 3.”  “Is that guy Bentley still there?”  “No.  Sigh.  He’s not.”

Once again we begin the episode with a stroll down memory lane and watch the same clips of Ashley wrapping her legs around various guys, staring into the sunset lost in thought and frozen in time with the kiss only a corpse could give. 

I noticed a few things during this montage that I hadn’t before, like for example, the bouquet of flowers JP brought Ashley on their one on one date at her house the night Bentley left.  I’m gonna go out on a limb here and do a bit of a public service announcement.  Guys, if you’d like to buy flowers for your wife, girlfriend, mom, mistress, booty call, secret crush, whatever, when you go to buy them, if carnations or anything that could be deemed a carnation’s frumpy aunt is your only choice, just walk away.  Save the $4.50 for another day.  In fact, pass them by a few times and you’ve got yourself three bunches of tulips for $9.99 at the grocery store.   Now those are flowers a girl can feel good about.  And finally, if the flowers are a hue that can only be found in a bottle of artificial colouring, again…just walk away.

We were about twenty minutes into the episode and I was already falling asleep.  How many minutes of Ashley leaning against a railing playing with her bangs are we expected to watch?  They should use this footage in jails to get confessions out of people.

I wasn’t sure who the guy returning would be.  I thought maybe it would be Mickey since he was the only one who actually left the show, or Ames, riding in on a white horse, or perhaps, by the grace of God it would be Bentley, but I didn’t see Ryan coming.  When the camera panned up his calves to reveal our heartbroken environmental crusader, I actually said ‘Oh God’ repeatedly out loud.  This cannot end well.  This is not the one that got away.    This is the one that won’t go away…

Maybe it’s the goofy, hopeful smile.  Maybe it’s the fact that Ryan ‘wants to be sure that Ashley doesn’t miss him or have regrets’ (um, she would have called, no?).  Either way, this was gonna be bad.  Real bad.  Clearly Ashley was totally surprised when she opened the door and pretty much speechless (thank god) while he gave his spiel.  And oy, when he took the sweaty scrap of paper out of his pocket to give her his homemade fantasy suite card?  Shame. 

I’m a bit confused as to his instructions to her- he basically told her he was going to be waiting in his suite for…how long?  Really, you’re all the way in Fiji and you’re not going to leave your room in case Ashley comes back to you?  I really wasn’t clear on this until we caught a glimpse of Ryan on the beach watching Ashley and Ben’s helicopter fly above – honestly the funniest part of the episode (other than when he pulled an Osama Bin Ladin and huddled in the cave as he listened to the sounds of the chopper above. )

So finally, when the show is practically over, we start the dates.  As Ben looks out and sees the mammoth yacht floating nearby, he makes the keen observation that “It’s easy for Ashley and I.”  Um, yeah it would be pretty easy for me too if I was just chillin’ on my own island with a luxury yacht to hang out on all day.  Ashley and Ben were quite frisky the whole yacht date, which I guess was convenient because Ashley would always have a place to hang her towel. 

Is it just me or is the romance of putting lotion on someone sorta gone when you’re using spray sunscreen.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the convenience of it and without it, my kids would have third degree burns by mid June, but that choke-worthy aroma of harsh chemicals just doesn’t really scream ‘Let’s get it on’ to me.  Thoughts?

Ben continues to tell us in his off side interviews throughout the day that he is falling in love with Ashley.  Well, you better fall quick, you only have five minutes left in the show, dude.  For the evening portion of Ben’s date, I really wish he would have un-tucked his shirt.  It was really distracting.  And I have to give Ashley credit, she wasn’t too overdone to the nines, so I could actually focus on their conversation rather than the two circles of blush she usually has caked on her cheeks.  Good thing I was focusing on the conversation, or I would have missed Ben’s anticlimactic statement of ‘I’m on my way to this whole I love you thing.”  Wow, crochet that one on a pillow.

Shock of all shocks, Ben and Ashley head to the fantasy suite and I gotta say, huge points to Ben for carrying Ashley out of the pool.  HOT.  Then again, she does way 87 pounds wet.

The next date with Constantine arrives and my first thought as we watch Ashley waiting for him is how can someone so insecure just run around with such midriff-baring tops all the time???  Seriously what is that?  This whole relationship with Constantine is so weird to me.  How can you be at this point in the game and still not know how you feel at all?  Watching Constantine freak out over the helicopter was amusing.  I have never seen anyone so excited about a mode of transportation in my life.  Once Constantine and Ashley arrive at the gorgeous waterfall, thanks to poor editing we first watch them jump into the water only to see Ashley with dry hair a second later emerging from it.  However it certainly wasn’t poor editing that showed us Constantine jumping into the water will full runners on.  Can someone explain to me why this was necessary?  It reminded me of Alli frolicking in the ocean in her suede boots way back on her season and it made me shudder.

Ashley could not have spelled it out any clearer to Constantine the whole date.  It was actually pretty pathetic, watching her invite him over and over again to the fantasy suite in her pants only to be either rejected or not even acknowledged.    That one final ask, as they sat and discussed that their relationship was going nowhere while their food was congealing in front of them put the nail in the coffin.  I was completely shocked, when he just basically got up and left practically without a goodbye.  WTF?  Are you serious?  You came all this way and you just leave???  I would have at least asked for a doggie bag for dinner if you weren’t planning on any other doggie business in the fantasy suite. 

The dramatic moment of Ashley opening the envelope alone after he left was classic.  You could practically hear the cameraman whispering feverishly “Open the envelope!   Open the envelope!  Look sad!!!”  Gee, I wonder what it said.  Oh well, she can go wrap herself in last night’s crusty sheets and dream about Ben.

It certainly came as no surprise that Ashley woke up sans Constantine and all of a sudden wants to consider Ryan again.  As they both stand there chewing on their bottom lips like they were made for each other, sweet Ryan tells Ashley that she basically looks like crap and that he can see this process is wearing her out and I guess that’s all she needed to hear to give him the official thumbs down.  Again.  Then she offers the most casual goodbye ever, as if she’s leaving their lunch date at Mr. Sub rather than ditching him on an island he flew thousands of miles to see her at.  Looks like the only thing that’s going to keep Ryan warm at night for now, is his beloved water heater. 

Don’t worry, Ryan.  There’s hope for you yet.  Once Jake Pavelka is done his stint on Bachelor Pad 2 (not to mention another reality TV show he’s signed up for in which he is opening a restaurant in Hollywood with none other than Heidi Montag –  I kid you not, it’s called Famous Food), he’ll find you and the two of you can run away together into the sunset.

Finally, we move onto JP’s date.  You could see JP’s blood start to boil as soon as Ashley mentions surprises.  Honestly, not much to say about their date.  They came.  They groped.  They left.  And actually, I guess they came again at the end too if all went as planned…

I’m not sure if adventuresome is even a word…but what is adventurous about getting dropped on an island where your pervert pilot is resting twenty meters away watching you make out all day before he returns you safely to your hotel in time for a nap and dinner?  When she told JP that two guys left, I had to give her kudos.  Can you imagine what must have been going through his mind when she said that before she clarified that one was Ryan?  And when she said that someone came back, hilarious that he immediately thought of Bentley.  Speaking of grandmaster B, she totally Bentley’d the situation by telling JP that ‘we’ decided not to pursue the relationship when it was clearly Constantine who ended it. 

At the rose ceremony, Ashley’s dress revealed a bit too much sleavage for my taste (side boob, just to clarify).  You can totally see JP starting to sweat when she mentions getting engaged on the finale.  I thought their big blowout about him not being ready would be on last night’s episode, but I guess it must be after he meets her family.   Either way, as usual, I am just counting down the minutes until her Amy Winehouse wanna-be sister (too soon?) rips her ‘journey’ to shreds and we can all move on.  Don’t forget this SUNDAY, The Men Tell All and then we finale it up on Monday.  Now get back to work, people!


8 thoughts on “The Bachelorette – Ashley – Episode Nine

  1. I found your work last week upon hearing about and searching for info on the Bachelor Pad. You had me laughing all day as I went back and read your thoughts on this whole Ashley season. I really need a laugh in life right now so thanks! Also I am planning on watching the Bachelor Pad just so I can read what you write. Is that sad?

    • Um…no, it’s awesome! And no more pathetic than the fact that we watch this stuff to begin with, right? Thanks so much for reading and I’m glad I could throw a few laughs your way. Hopefully, Bachelor Pad will give me some better material to work with!

  2. You’re hilarious! I look forward to your blog every week!
    Does anyone else wonder why they never wear sunglasses?? Do the producers say they’re not allowed to because for some reason we need to see their eyes all the time?? Who hangs out on a beach/yacht/helicopter and doesn’t wear sunglasses? This bugs me and I don’t get it!

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