Okay people, I am genuinely running out of things to say. I am at the point where I just want to wash my hands of this season so I can focus my energy on the more important things in life – like Bachelor Pad. I am counting down the minutes until we watch JP propose in the finale only to hear that he dumped her the next day in an exclusive story to Us Weekly.
The best part of this episode, honestly, was the trees. Maybe it’s because I live in the suburbs and my government appointed tree on my front lawn just happens to be the gimpiest one on the block and my neighborhood will not be considered lush and green until my grandkids have grandkids. Or maybe it’s because for some reason everyone on this show happens to have their own lush farm or vineyard, to just hang out in. Either way, full tree envy. The worst part of this episode was that all the families were for the most part, normal and likeable. In fact, I actually teared up at least once with each visit. True story. Dammit.
Hometown dates…this is usually the point in the season where we have formed real opinions about said Bachelor or Bachelorette and we have watched their relationships unfold into the deep meaningful connections that can only be had by reality TV contestants. But for some reason, I still feel like she is getting to know these guys. Under normal circumstances (for the Bachelor, that is), it is absolutely ludicrous to think that any proposal that comes out of these shows is going to survive and hold true, but in this case it’s even more unlikely. Constantine himself has said nearly every episode that he’s not even sure if he likes Ashley. To think that he could propose knowing how he feels – just ridiculous.
Watching Ashley flash back to her journeys with the ‘fortunate four’ (puke) at the beginning of last night’s episode brought some memories back for me and also gave me time to decide if I like her new hair colour she decided to try out mid-season (?) – I’ve decided I don’t like it by the way. Like the straitjacket Ashley wore on her date with Constantine at the beginning – you know that purple number which seemed to have not just a belt, but also several chains, or more recently, the urine-soaked lantern they released into the sky with their hopes and dreams.
Or watching her thoughtfully chew on the inside of her cheeks as she feigned interest in whatever anyone was saying during multiple dinner conversations. Or watching her side-sweep her bangs, leaving the audience wondering if she suffers from Tourette’s. Or the time when Ames innocently put her in an elevator and then tongue-raped her all the way up to the rooftop. Or, how about when JP complained. And whined. And felt insecure. And needed reassurance. And sprouted a vagina.
So we begin our ‘journey’ with Constantine. I thought I must have won the lottery when I saw that he is from CUMMING, Georgia. Are you serious? Can this be that easy? My head started spinning with all the ways I could go but before I could really settle on a tasteless joke, I was side tracked by the glorious dining establishment known as Georgio’s and the cloud of dust rising from the Mecca of artificial plants hanging from every surface at the restaurant. There must be some sort of health code violation there (not to mention the one where Constantine and Ashley are getting naughty in the kitchen without a hairnet to be found – just saying.)
Looks like Constantine took his cues from the Old Swiss Chalets I used to visit as a kid – don’t tell me you didn’t LOVE those little finger bowls with the lemon bits to wash your hands. Never felt more sophisticated as a seven year old than during those dear moments. A finger bowl and a Shirley Temple at Swiss Chalet. Now that is living.
After watching the crop of cougar waitresses living vicariously through Ashley spy on them, it’s time to meet Constantine’s family. Let’s just say it. They were lovely. His dad was adorable. His mom was the right amount of sweet and protective. His sister was friendly and not hideous. Their love for each other was clear…and a bit overwhelming. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love my family. But if I go away for a month, they don’t come from far and wide with casseroles and a dance party to greet me the minute I return home.
It was very difficult for me to find things wrong with Constantine’s family and I, like Ashley, didn’t want to leave them at the end of the night. How could she not feel comfortable with such a fantastic selection of ridiculously large furniture? It looked like a tent sale at The Brick at his house, with two hideous matching recliners and the largest brown leather sectional ever that brought out possibly the worst faux finished ‘stone work’ on the back of the kitchen cabinets that I’ve ever seen (not that there really is a good kind of faux finishing but this really put me over the edge). My favourite part of the night was definitely the happiest grandmother ever dancing on the couch with the dog – and I don’t even like poodles. When Ashley and Constantine left the house and the whole family stood there watching them go, I actually teared up…what is wrong with me???
Onto Rain Man. When Ashley and Ames met each other in Ames’ orchard or whatever it was, they could not have stood further apart. Normally, I can’t seem to decipher family resemblances and usually just go along with what people are saying about family members looking like each other, but it’s pretty clear that Ames is swimming in a pretty strong gene pool.
Although I’m pretty sure that Ames’ sister has a very wrong crush on her own brother, I definitely liked her best (maybe because she’s the only one who could get a word in?) Ashley admitted to her that she really doesn’t know anything about Ames and is holding onto him basically out of curiosity. And when his sister had ‘alone time’ with Ames ( I never thought I could feel like the fifth wheel while watching a TV show until now) and cautioned him to step up the romance I thought she was one step away from straddling him and giving him a few pointers. After the pep talk she gave him, I expected Ames to immediately start humping Ashley’s leg in front of his family as he rejoined the group and instead we get Ames’ version of upping the romance – a picnic under a Magnolia tree and a one second kiss which he deemed the most amazing kiss ever. Really? Shame.
I totally agree with Ashley – Ames is one of the most unique guys out there…I’m not necessarily opposed to his little tidbits of culture and poetry, but at the end of the day, will my friends think he’s weird? Is he socially awkward? Yes and yes.
Onto Wine-making Smurf. Reluctantly, Ben has become my favourite on the show. He isn’t quite attractive, yet, he’s definitely sexy. I basically took no notes during Ben’s date. What is there to say? He pretty much spelled out his emotions and every thought as he was having them and besides, I was honestly too busy crying about his dad to type. Don’t get me wrong, nothing quite gets me like Ricky’s plane crash and poor Emily and her abandoned uterus, but still, Ben was touching to say the least. By the end of the date, I wouldn’t say there wasn’t mascara on my chin.
Was anyone else confused as to why Ben’s sister (AKA the Godfather) would be overprotective of her brother to this degree and then sign him up for The Bachelorette? Am I missing something here? Could she have cracked one tiny little smile? Still single? No!!! Really??? I never would have guessed! Besides the fact that I wanted to reach into the TV and untangle her pearls the whole time she was on camera, again, Ben’s date was nice and sweet and let’s be honest, Ashley can work a room full’a family.
Ok. Onto JP’s date. I don’t even know where to go with the whole roller skating thing. I would say in general it was cute, but the fact that they were playing ‘I can’t fight this feeling anymore’ put me over the edge. It reminded me of the ‘On the Wings of Love’ overuse during Jake’s season of The Bachelor and made me cringe. A lot.
What a surprise, within fifteen minutes of arriving at his house, JP’s mom is commenting on his sunburn and encouraging everyone to have seconds at dinner. Never saw that coming from the Jewish mom. Is anyone else interested in JP’s ex girlfriend and the number she did on him? Clearly she cheated on him but what else? I get the feeling that any girl that did anything to JP, infidelity, verbal abuse, an accidental elbow bump, would send JP into a tailspin of despair. Clearly he doesn’t have the best grasp of his emotions as we’ve seen all season. Either way, it made me nervous for the future, if god forbid any little skank decides to break my son’s heart, I will drop-kick her, dammit. And that goes double for my daughter. Nobody puts Baby in a corner. Booyah.
The piece de resistance was definitely when she brought out JP’s Bar Mitzvah photo. Aren’t you supposed to use a cute baby picture, not an awkward tween mullet-clad one? Mine was friggin’ adorable! I had to hold back from saying ‘Oh no you di’int’ at the TV when I saw her carrying it.
Finally the hometowns have come to an end and we’re back at the ol’ house of décor horrors. Not to be outdone by the trashy surrounding, Ashley chooses to don the worst dress ever. Not only is it missing a substantial amount of material – I mean there’s mini and then there’s a shirt – but for some reason she chose last night to wear a bra under a backless lace dress when last week, she didn’t seem to need one at all. And I swear it was so tight in the front, I could make out her areolas under that thing. The way the light reflected the sheen of the fabric? She looked like a speed-skater at prom. Just hideous.
When Chris sat down to chat with Ashley and mentioned Bentley, you could almost see her eyes darting around – what? Is he here? Where? Do I look okay? Even last night, she basically still admitted in not so many words that she gave up on him only because her feelings weren’t reciprocated.
We all knew Ames was going home last night, right? Still watching that smile on his face not waver for a full minute after she finished handing out roses was beyond borderline disturbing. When his head started bobbing with his blank stare and frozen smile, I thought he was going to implode or something!
Still, you gotta feel bad for the guy. He really is a sweetheart and genuinely interesting and not completely hideous or a douchebag like Blake or William. He just makes me extremely uncomfortable, which isn’t exactly a quality you look for in a guy. I can see how he would think that spending a lifetime with himself is less enticing than spending it with a woman.
One again, excited for next week. Partially because we are slowly inching our way towards putting this season behind us and also because we are getting close to seeing Ashley’s Biatch of a sister rip into her – remember her from last season??? Amazing. Anyone have any thoughts on who returns? I feel like it might be Ames but I am probably totally wrong. Maybe it’s Mickey, because he walked out on her.
Looks like I wrote way too much this week, considering this was one of the more boring episodes. Overcompensating much? I’m truly sorry. I’ll make it up to you. T minus 2 episodes and then the icing on the cake – After the Final Rose when we get to see the full havoc Bentley wreaked on the season.