Uch. I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s almost like Bentley’s treatment of Ashley is like a metaphor for how the producers treat the audience…getting our hopes up that something exciting is going to happen, leaving us with all these dot dot dot teasers to keep us coming back for more. Making us believe that this time will be different. We are all Ashleys, just trying to get by in a Bentley world. Shame.
Last night, obviously, was a HUGE disappointment. Were my expectations realistic? Is there any way that it could have been everything I wanted it to be? I mean, I was hoping that Bentley would be threaded throughout the entire episode, dangling Ashley on a string, keeping her tied up in emotional turmoil, continually unable to focus on the other guys – but instead we blew our load right at the beginning of the episode and were left to clean it up for the remaining hour and a half. And it wasn’t even a big load. It was more like a pffft. A trickle.
The opening montage set us up for big drama. The rising sun over the Hong Kong skyline (it was so orange, I thought my TV was having pixilation issues. Yeah that’s right – Pixilation. I know stuff. Sort of. Not really.) Once again, we are forced to endure several moments of Ashley staring forlornly into the abyss, as her mind races to keep up with her bursting heart. This time, we add a bit of clever editing into the mix (and the Emmy goes to…) – the scene where Ashley stood still in the middle of traffic (not the sharpest knife in the drawer, now is she?) while traffic whizzed by at high speed…was anyone else just hoping a car would hit her and put us all out of our misery?
When I realized that Chris Harrison was getting right down to business, I honestly couldn’t contain my excitement. Here we go!!! Given how nervous she was and that she had like half a cuticle left by the time she got to his hotel room, I can only imagine the crime scene that must have taken place in her washroom before she got there. As I observed her weird, bow-legged walk down the hall to his room, like a Dead Woman Walking, I thought to myself, Hmm… I didn’t know they had camels in Hong Kong.
I have never seen tighter jeans, and believe me, back in the day I regularly rocked high-waisted denim. Perhaps instead of assaulting our vision with Nair ads every 14 seconds, we should be looking at alternative sponsors for the remainder of the season? Can anyone say Vagisil? Let that thing breathe, for the love of god!
So as she stands there at his suite, which judging by her reaction is nicer than her own, I felt a twinge of guilt. We’ve all been there before. You know, ‘ I’m just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her’ (ah, Notting Hill). But then the door opened, and those perfectly tousled waves pushed those feelings for her aside. Hellllooooo Bentley!
Let the cringing begin. She throws herself into his hug and as soon as they get settled on the couch attempts to kiss him. Way to be aloof.
I’ve decided, that the only thing worse than up-speak, is slow motion up-speak. It’s almost its own dialect. And that seemed to be Ashley’s language of choice for the most incoherent conversation of all time. Was anyone else completely confused by what even happened in that moment?
After the 20 seconds of mumbled small-talk about Ashley’s sweet blood, we got down to business. I was honestly completely dumbfounded by what he was saying. Phrases like “I think you know where I’m at” followed by “you know where I’m coming from”…uh…no? We don’t? Are you coming or going? “Just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page”? Clearly you’re not since the thought of physical intimacy with you doesn’t make Ashley wanna puke which is clearly where you’re at. Finally, when my head was truly reeling from figuring out if he’s coming, going, staying, turning pages, etc., he throws out an attempt at a final statement which was “You’re here for a purpose. It doesn’t look good for me and you. Do all you can to see what you have here.” To me, that pretty much means, hit the road, Ashley. Sounds like a period to me.
Yet, in true Ashley form, she still clings to the hope that he wants to be with her finally asking him to just spell out the period and be a man. And there it is. Officially the most ANTICLIMACTIC scene ever and it’s not even done yet. I don’t know what I was hoping the dot dot dot would turn into. A semi colon? A bracket? Even an emoticon would have been something for the viewers to take with us. But what do we get? Nothing! A friggin’ period.
Then Ashley has her light bulb moment, of ‘Oh shit, I’m gonna look like the biggest douche ever on TV’, and attempts to recapture some of her dignity by dropping the F bomb on camera. If it weren’t for your quivering bottom lip, Ash, we’d almost believe you were over him. It’s amazing how much clarity getting dumped on your ass can give you.
Just like Ashley, I’ve spent too much time on Bentley. But once again, what else is there to say about the worst season ever? The only thing hot about last night’s episode was my lap, as my laptop perched hopefully on it, desperate for a nugget of entertainment to blog about, while simultaneously pretty much ruining any hope of ever bearing a third child in my uterus.
Okay, what now? Oh yeah, one on ones. It was nice to see Lucas’s softer side revealed since his alter ego Big Tex’s anger management issues surfaced later on in the episode when the Bentley sitch was revealed. Did anyone else notice how when they were watching those dragon puppets, that they were the only ones standing right there? The rest of the audience was politely gathered in an appropriately distanced circle observing proper street performer etiquette, while Ashley and Lucas march right up in their faces. Rude.
When they settle in on their extremely out of place pirate ship, for the ‘romantic’ portion of the date, I was way more interested in Ashley’s steak and ginormous pile of vegetables as well as the precarious angle they seemed to be seated in than their conversation. I also couldn’t help but notice the extreme amount of self-tanner application ‘don’t’s’ that Ashley had committed. DON’T apply self tanner with a ladle. DON’T apply self tanner and then immediately get an upper lip wax. DON’T drink after being dumped and then apply self tanner while wasted. DON’T apply self tanner when you have an alarming case of crabs and scabies crawling up your arms.
Back at the house we get thrown another curveball when JP scores, yet another one-on-one date. Could it be because he is the only guy viewers seem to have attached themselves to? Or maybe because he is the only guy who can remotely get her to stop riding the Bentley train.
But before that, we get to witness yet another display of manual labour as the guys fight their way towards the finish line for the ultimate prize – Ashley’s heart (puke).
The identical twins, Constantin and Ben (at least they have humour), versus the Frozen Smiles (obviously Ames and Mickey) up against Blake and Ryan (let’s be honest, you can cut the sexual tension between those two with a knife!). After watching most of them get ‘smoked like salmon’, we have to endure yet another interview where Ashley claims to not be thinking about Bentley at all. Really? Do ya think you could stop talking about him, then? Oh and also stop referring to your ‘break-up’ and ‘relationship’. That’s just embarrassing. Totally felt Ben and Constantin’s pain when they realized they were yelling out ‘idiot’ in Chinese…how many times have you been the butt of jokes at a nail salon and there’s just nothing you can do about it?
Fast forward to the evening portion, where somehow, in between blank stares, Ames manages to shove his tongue down Ashley’s throat. Of course, by the time they got off the elevator, he was, once again, the disturbingly proper yachtsman that he is. I honestly don’t know if I made that scene up in my head or if it actually happened, it was so weird. I guess I could ask the incredibly uncomfortable cameraman who watched the whole thing unfold while trapped in an elevator with them. The whole night part of the date was really confusing to me. Can someone explain what Ryan said to make him deserve the rose? Is it his scruff that won her over? I honestly don’t get it. And realizing that all the angry scenes that we previewed prior to this episode actually revolve around Ryan being there and not Bentley? Well that just pissed me off. I think Ben said it best, when he basically told Ashley that not being able to talk to her has been nice, and that’s all I have to say about that.
Onto JP’s date, where we watch Ashley rotate between chewing her lip incessantly, and gobbling down her food while the poor guy is trying to pour his heart out. I guess the alternative is that she’s anorexic so I can’t really complain, right? At least she eats. There’s a redeeming quality.
Nice of JP to be so supportive of the whole Bentley situation, but clearly he didn’t think things through as thoroughly as the other guys did. He didn’t bother asking her what happened with Bentley. She basically said she was in love with him, but then had closure and now she’s over it. If he had taken a minute to figure out what could have happened to make her change her mind so rapidly, he would have deduced that she essentially got dumped and if Bentley had given her the green light, she’d be sailing away with him on that pirate ship right now. Oh well, at least the other guys were smart enough to put those pieces together.
When Ashley revealed the Bentley situation at the cocktail party…well…there were crickets to say the least. Were the guys so stunned they couldn’t speak, or were they, like me, trying to figure out how her tiny little boobs managed to fill out that dress in a way I don’t seem to be capable of doing. Is it tape? I need to know! (And, I need to go tape shopping).
She totally did not see the attack coming, and of course, defaulted to her usual hyperventilating cries in order to gain sympathy. You can see JP’s wheels turning as he tries to defend her, while also realizing maybe these guys have some good questions. Mickey takes off without so much as getting the email addresses of the other guys, and I totally thought Constantin was also going to leave, but thanks to Ashley’s Oscar winning performance, he stays.
By the end of the rose ceremony (nice to see the trend of horribly off-scale area rugs has swept the nation and is now making its way over to Asia), the poor thing’s eyelashes were practically hanging by a thread as she continues to try to clean up this hot mess of a season. Thank god her bangs have super powers and give her the inner strength she needs to keep truckin’ (that must be the explanation for why she can’t stop touching them for one minute, right?)
I’d like to say the rest of the season will be good…but we all know that can’t be true. I won’t let these producers stomp on my heart any longer, taunting me with previews of a ruined final episode, when Ashley is already telling magazines that she’s engaged. Only one question remains for me. When the hell does Bachelor Pad start???