The Bachelorette – Ashley – Episode, sigh, five…

Okay clearly the universe is trying to tell me that I really need to quit this show cold turkey, because for the second time, I noticed at 8:02 that my PVR wasn’t recording Bachelorette, which caused a mini panic attack and forced me to interrupt my son’s viewing of Pinocchio at the most riveting part (Oh no!  Gipetto is stuck inside Monstro the Whale!  Will he get out?  Only time will tell…).  This was not received well.  But I managed to miss pretty much nothing (actually I could say the same if I had missed the episode altogether), so phew!  Crisis averted!

I think it’s pretty rude at this point to make your audience think they’re going to get a glimpse of Bentley and actually be entertained for a change by his cocky wit and instead have to succumb to an episode full of boring dates, brazen violence and, well, Ashley.  The whole time, I just kept thinking, T minus however many minutes till Bentley, but alas, he never came.  I’m pissed.

When the guys arrived in their Chang Mai abode, I wondered for a moment, is it wrong to want to be a contestant on this show just for the villa?  There are the pools, the gleaming floors, and let’s not forget the balconies, perfectly designed for a bunch of grown men to hang over like a troupe of misguided Juliets watching Ashley attempt to walk in heels on cobblestone (does she not own a pair of flip flops???).  Who wouldn’t be jealous, especially to be going on a date with Mr. Personality himself, Ben F – there’s a 100% chance that Ashley will get kissed today.  There’s also a 100% chance I will stab myself in the eye today.  Go figure.

So Ashley and Ben head off on their date, Ashley dressed in stilettos for a nice relaxing day of walking city streets (another good call), and Ben in his dress shoes, dishevelled, borderline greasy hair and cargos.  It’s a good thing Ashley laughs at her own jokes, otherwise, there would have been nothing to fill the awkward silences.  Though there were many of those, the awkward silence award of the episode has to go to the whole scenario where Ben and Ashley sat mind-raping each other on the bench in front of the temple.  I swear, I actually think I blew a circuit in my brain trying to process the situation, as my fingers flew across the keyboard like the Little Engine That Could trying to capture the moment in all its glory.  Not sure what she was trying to convey with that deer-in-headlights look.  And I’m pretty sure she had about as much respect for the sacredness of the temple as she does for herself and would have kissed him in a heartbeat had he clued in.  Um, you know you’re not glued to the bench, right?  You could get up.  It reminded me of Elizabeth, our favourite chimpled (chin-dimpled) psychopath from Jake’s season/Bachelor Pad, with her ‘I’m not gonna kiss you’ rule, followed by a ‘do you wanna kiss me?  I really wanna kiss you…’ game.

Still, I would caution Ben to stick with the mind-kissing.  We’ve seen Ashley’s style.  You’re better off sticking to your fantasy than being disappointed with her lame-assed technique.

Onto dinner – wow, Ashley, your lesbian travel agent certainly planned a great fantasy date for the two of you – I mean, you and Ben.  It’s at this point that I start to form a true opinion about Ben.  1)  Your voice is annoying.  2)  You’re a teensy bit lame in the conversation department:  Exhibit A – “So tell, me how you got started in the wine business.  What was that like???”  “Well, my best friend from middle school and I learned how to make wine.”  Great story.  That’s one to hand down to the grandkids.  I honestly couldn’t tell if Ashley was deeply moved by what Ben was saying or just bored.  At certain points, it looked like she was actually nodding off.  Rude much?

Let’s just get right to the group date.  I honestly don’t know what Ashley is thinking with these dates.  I have never seen a bunch of guys have to go through so much violence, manual labour etc. just to win a girl’s attention.  This isn’t boot camp.  It’s the Bachelorette, for the love of god!  Though the guys did initially seem excited about the whole Muay Thai scenario (Ryan just had ‘golly’ written all over his face’), things QUICKLY went downhill.  Highlights for me during their training, were, in no particular order (except this one); Mickey’s sit-ups (hello there!), Constantin’s pouring sweat just from having his gloves tied on, and of course, Ames basically being called a pussy by the trainer.  Isn’t he like, a tri-athlete or an Ironman contender or something?  Shame.

Once they pulled up to the ring in their cattle car it was apparent that this was going to be a mistake.  Honestly, what a horrible situation to be put in if you are a guy that’s not comfortable with violence or fighting.  I mean, I’d understand if it was Jake Pavelka and a poor defenceless woman, or better yet, Emily (now that we know she packs a mean punch), but the average guy, who just came to meet a girl and sip some cocktails?  Really?

This is the only time of the season so far when Ames’ glassy-eyed stare didn’t bother me for obvious reasons.  Once I got past the fact that for some reason his pink shorts were about two inches shorter than all the other guys, I could focus on the task at hand – watching him flail about in a desperate attempt to protect himself (I don’t think he was too concerned about looking tough).  I thought for a moment that Ashley was going to actually show real concern for him afterwards when she ran to call an ambulance, leaving two guys to fight each other basically for no reason.  Instead she basically threw him into it and slammed the door with a half-assed ‘Bye Ames!”, as he kept the polite smile frozen on his face, and sent him off towards the flickering lights of the brothel/hospital with nothing but a pair of pink satin shorts to cling to.  Good thing we had the Vaj-cam in the hospital to make sure that everything was in order up Ames’ shorts while he was tended to.

In the meantime, back in the ring, there was a whole lot of grunting and general displays of hyper-masculinity as Ashley realizes she most likely made a mistake with this whole date.  And whaddaya know – the Jew from Long Island’s in the hizzouse – I can only imagine the trauma his mother must have been going through at home watching her son give a good beatdown.  Oy!

As the evening wore on (endlessly), I thought it was really sweet of Ashley to encourage the guys to move past the day’s events and basically dismiss the fact that Ames could be lying on a stretcher having a brain haemorrhage while they go about their cocktail party.  Cheers to that!  And, I’m sorry, but I think it’s really rude of her not to have one tiny little ripple of cellulite for me to criticize on her thighs as she sits down with the guys.  Honestly, what a bitch.

It’s pretty clear that Ashley must have gone through an entire roll of double sided tape to keep her shirt from just plain falling off of her body, as she had the one-on-ones with the guys over drinks.  Ryan’s attempt at getting sympathy from Ashley by showing her the paper cut on his cheek in comparison to Ames’ injuries was a nice touch.  And way to pull out every cliché in the book Lucas, with the whole let me show you how to swing a golf club move. 

Finally, Ames returns from the dead, looking like he just stepped off a yacht and Ashley quickly goes to hug him and welcome him back.  Jesus, Ashley. The least you could do is throw the guy a hand job.  I mean, honestly!  To pour salt in the wound, it was really sweet of the guys to laugh openly at Ames as he tried to integrate himself back into the conversation while clearly no longer able to form clear sentences.    

There’s not much to say about Ashley’s two on one date since it went by SO quickly.  Yes, William, you are right…you can be the most extreme guy…the most romantic…the most annoying…I find it interesting that Ashley gets several text messages about Bentley prior to the show, and all the predictions of his behaviour come true, but she can’t get the hell over him.  In the meantime, poor Ben C, sitting on a picnic blanket never saw it coming as he gets thrown under the bus by a lying William and is kicked to the curb by Little Miss Assertive before he even has a chance to finish his sandwich.  That wasn’t a two- on-one date.  That was a one-on-one with William and Ashley that Ben stopped by for.  Poor guy.  You can do better, Ben…that Bristol board move will always hold a piece of my heart.

I think we all pretty much knew that William was getting the boot at dinner too…in fact how he has managed to squeak by for the last few weeks is beyond me.  A girl just doesn’t forget a guy admitting that he’s a thirty year old boy.  Again, not a plus.  And clearly William is not thinking straight.  Does he not know about life in the public eye after the show???  The potential there is for sloppy seconds viewer poon once he gets out there – or, gasp, hitting the jackpot and getting cast for Bachelor Pad???  He pretty much squashed all those chances with the proclamation that he’s the world’s biggest jackass and informed us that he would be curling up in bed and slipping into a dark hold for the rest of his life.  Sweet!  Sign me up.

K so the cocktail party rolls around and I’m pissed.  Where the F is Bentley?  There’s like eleven minutes left of this crap and we have nothing to show for it.  Watching Ashley go through these mind games is absolutely torturous.  Really???  Are you just this stupid?  Do you not realize the fool you are making of yourself?  Again, I think After the Final Rose will be the best part of this whole season.  It better be, dammit.  Shoot me in the face.  How’s that for closure?

You can tell the only guy she has even remote affection for is JP – he’s the only one who made her smile during the cocktail party. I just feel bad for these guys at this point (but looks like there will be an uprising next week).  Can you imagine if every guy just gets up and leaves.  That would be AMAZING.

I’d like to say the rain continually foreshadows the mood, but at this point it’s pretty safe to say that the weather just plain sucks. 

Anyways, not quite sure where Nick got the notion that him and Ashley were headed towards love (did I miss something?)  The most we heard him speak was as he was leaving the show.  I think the most entertaining part of the show was the Blair Witch Project scenario in the closing credits where William is trapped in the house with Ben waiting for the season to end.  Karma’s a bitch, William, ain’t it?

As for Bentley, I’m saving my thoughts for next week.  I’m still too heartbroken over the two hours of my life that I lost yesterday waiting for him to show up to even speculate.  A little less if you don’t count commercials.

At this point, next week is just a huge dot dot dot…it better be good.


5 thoughts on “The Bachelorette – Ashley – Episode, sigh, five…

  1. I am not sure who I feel worse for…Ashley b/c she is an insecure bore…or the guys b/c they have to pretend they like the insecure bore. At least if the guys put on a good show, they could potentially find love on the Bachelor Pad. 😉

    Ashley is done…you know the Bachelorette execs are probably rethinking this whole “let’s recycle the girls who did not get chosen” – clearly Ashley was ditched last season for a reason!

  2. Great post! You take the words right out of my mouth! I’m like a deer in head lights watching….stupid/awesome/awful/entertaining show!!!!
    PS The kiddies have kept me busy this week so I just finally watched week 5 tonight and read your post!

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