NOTES ON A SCANDAL…OR MANY (THE BACHELOR PAD…THE GRAND FINALE)

 Well, last night’s episode started out right where we left off…looking at Kovaks in a loose tank top…except this time he was wearing a little white number underneath it.  Honestly, gentlemen, if you’re in a situation where you actually need to wear a cami under your clothes, ya probably shouldn’t be wearing it in the first place.  Just a thought.

 To be honest, there wasn’t much material for me to work with – shameful for a finale, but all too often the case with this Bachelor franchise we all insist on watching.  But, I can’t leave you all hanging on the last episode so I’ll do my best.

 So here we are.  The six ‘power players’ (if it’s possible for there to be such a thing on a show called Bachelor Pad) have (not surprisingly) made it till the end, despite several half-assed, almost-attempts to break them apart.

 Once again, I’m giving my vote for most entertaining player to Elizabeth…despite the fact that by the finale her face had about 67% melted off of the rest of her silicone, malnourished body, it didn’t stop me from relishing every disturbing, hilarious and pathetic shining moment of hers.

Funny how when Elizavaks first got into the limo the door had barely closed behind them and they were clawing at each other like there was a guard outside supervising a conjugal visit and then five minutes later, we have good ol’ insecure, manipulative Elizabeth instructing Jesse to stay focused on her even if their instructor is a hot woman, or else she’ll lose focus.  From her mouth to God’s ears.

 Their instructor was indeed a hot woman, with a body that made me hate myself more than words can say.  There was nothing, NOTHING funnier than witnessing the awkwardness of Elizabeth attempting to dance by herself the whole time in the background, while Kovaks humped Edyta’s leg.  Who needs a ballet bar in the room when you can practice plies on Kovak’s boner, eh?

 Looks like Elizavaks could have used a lot more rehearsal.  Their final performance in front of the judges started out like a lap dance, turned painfully awkward to the point where I had to look away several times in the middle, and ended reminding me of a camp social at age eleven, halfway through the last song before lights out — Stairway to Heaven (obviously).  Even the ever-composed Chris Harrison had to force himself to stop laughing before her turned their fate to the judges.

 And while we’re on the topic, are you kidding me?  Trista and Melissa – former cheerleaders – and Jake?  Why?  Because he can beat a woman to music?   I mean at least get one real-life dance choreographer on the show to pretend to be an impartial judge.  I’m sure Mary Murphy was available since she got kicked off the American So You Think You Can Dance for being too annoying.

 Not much to say about Tenley and Kiptyn.  They are sickeningly perfect for each other.  Though I personally couldn’t wake up next to unicorns and rainbows every day like Tenley can, I still think Kiptyn is adorable and wish he had won.

 And Dave and Natalie…what’s to say?  On more than one occasion, I have questioned Dave’s sexuality.  Perhaps it was his bromance with Kovaks that made me wonder, but after last night, seeing him dance his heart out with Louis van what’s-his-name (who by the way, judging by the grotesque back sweat could have made a better wardrobe choice for rehearsal than a silk shirt…say cotton???) and sporting his unitard with pride, I needn’t wonder anymore.  Not to mention the fact that he made a beeline for Chris Harrison the minute he won and fully kissed him on the mouth.

 Dave and Natalie’s rehearsals reminded me of the scene in Dirty Dancing where Hungry Eyes is playing where Baby keeps laughing every time Johnny grazes her arm pit with his finger tips…sigh…best movie ever… It was funny to see the light bulb go off in Natalie’s head ‘Oh….dance like we’re having sex!  We’re used to those positions!  But still their routine was pretty brutal too and by the end of the whole competition I can say without a doubt that I am extremely glad that no actual sex footage was shown on this show between any of the couples (or first base footage for Kip-Ten).

 Okay, onto the live part when Melissa Rycroft-Strickland -and -a-half welcomes us back to the exciting finale of Shoulder Pad – whoops, I mean Bachelor Pad.  It is at this point that we realize, wait a second, how does this thing end?  How do they win?  Of course we were never told at the beginning of the show just how the prize money was obtained, because the producers themselves probably hadn’t gotten that far in their planning when the show began.  So turns out to be a wanna-be Survivor, Q&A session for the bitter cast-offs.

 Surprise surprise. Gia’s boyfriend broke up with her.  Kovaks and Elizabeth ‘tried it for a minute’ after the show.  Krissily (whose OD on bronzer actually likened her to the Tin Man) is pissed off.  Michelle is still hung up on the (unconfirmed) rumour that gave her six minutes of camera time before she was put back into her straight jacket.  Juan and Weatherman are embracing (what???) and Gwen finally gets to screw someone on TV – Dave. 

 Even though Wes was less repugnant this time around than on Jillian’s season of the Bachelorette, I still swallow vomit every time I see Gia looking at him.

 I won’t even get into the idiocy of the actual final selection which determined the ultimate winner – UH, Share?  DUH.  Natalie did do a great job of faking us out and making us believe she had chosen ‘KEEP’ – I’ll give her that.  She really had me going there.  I bet if she works really hard, she could make it as an actress in, say, Friday night porn on City TV. 

 So that’s it.  It’s over.  The credits rolled as Wes sang his one song to close it out (I actually think I heard him ejaculating in his pants as the other cast members joined in.)  Am I fulfilled?  Meh.  Am I dumber?  Probably.  Will I stop watching?  Most likely not.  But I’ll tell you what I won’t be doing.  I won’t be waiting in line for Wes’s new hit single ‘Bad Boys need love too,’ coming this Valentine’s Day to a store near you.

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