NOTES ON A SCANDAL…OR MANY (THE BACHELOR PAD, EPISODE 5)

 I have a theory about brightly coloured sports cars that cost more than my house.  It’s a theory that I’ m sure many women share, even though men may think they’re impressive. While most guys I know get a hard-on for cars like Lamborghinis and Ferraris, to me, they’re just symptoms of small penis syndrome.  When I see one of these bad boys, usually in a disturbing shade of ‘look at me, I’m expensive’ yellow, or the more subdued but still cheesy red, as they rev their engines from stop sign to stop sign in my suburban neighbourhood, even though I excitedly point them out to my three year old son, inside I’m thinking, small dick.  Just sayin’.

 Onto the matter at hand.  I was going to lead in today, with how though I had high hopes for the show in theory, in actual fact, it hasn’t been that great.  Episode one was amazing, two, three and four mediocre at best, but this week, things finally sorta got going again.  Too bad it was just in time for us to find out that I’m apparently not the only one that thinks the show kinda sucks, hence the rushed, basically rigged dismissal of three insignificant cast members (I could actually see Nikki’s chimple pulsating as they announced the Spin the Bottle challenge) and the announcement that next week is the finale…what???

 I thought the Spin the Bottle game was going to be a little more complex than basically watching the girls whore themselves out and finding out that the couples finally got to pick each other in a way that made it appear some thought had to go into it.  Kovacs, Dave and Kiptyn did a great job with the fake-out interviews during STB where they soul searched to determine if they should pick the girls they’ve been banging all season or maybe someone else (yeah Kiptyn, sure you were considering Nikki).    It was sweet to show Tenley and Nikki embracing as they waited eagerly to find out which would be going home…oh wait that was just a cruel close-up of their midriffs to show the vast difference between them.  The STB game was fraught with emotion as Ashley, Gwen and Nikki came to realize they had not a chance in hell of making the cut.  So nice of Elizabeth to acknowledge her pity for Gwen as the limo showed the resident cougar driving away by saying ‘I could be in my forties and still single like Gwen one day…’  Uh, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that’s pretty much a guarantee, Elizabeth.  Hate to break the news to you, but you basically now have a video relationship resume that will forever be accessible to any guy who may want to date you.  And no (sane) guy would want to tap that permanently after watching you on The Bachelor and Bachelor Pad.

 With every spin of the bottle and hearing someone ask ‘will you accept this kiss’ I felt more and more embarrassed to watch the show.   The only thing that could comfort me was knowing Jersey Shore is out there, making Bachelor Pad the second trashiest, most ridiculous show currently running. Oh wait, I watch that too.  Oh well.

 I think we can all agree that Elizabeth (and Kovacs I guess) were the real stars of this episode.  Maybe not as in-your-face-crazy as episode one, but still there were some true gems.  Before I dive into that pool of psycho, is anyone else truly concerned for Elizabeth’s skin?  I mean I’m all for going on vacation without a base tan and getting a burn (red-to-brown, I always say), but with each passing episode, I feel like I can see actual layer upon layer of clumps of burnt flesh intermingled with giant liver spots just dancing across her face. 

 I am truly confused by Kovak’s tolerance for Elizabeth.  Last week, he had an aha moment (as Oprah would say) where he realized that the qualities of insecurity, psychosis and manipulation were actually what he looks for in a woman, and this week he’s admitting she’s got some screws loose.  I now understand why chicks get such a bad rep (wrap? rap?).  There’s no way for a guy to know what the next right move is with a girl like her and clearly no matter what you do it will never be enough.  She’s the one who jumps him in the hot tub.  She’s the one who suggest sneaking into the fantasy suite (a cunning move considering it wasn’t locked and is right upstairs…why have other people not done this already?) And then, after champagne, bubble bath, candles, etc., just as they’re about to seal the deal, she plays the ‘I don’t want to be another notch on your bedpost’ card and it’s fine to have sex if we’re ‘making love’ (EW) but not if you just want to rail.  First of all, Elizabeth, there is no way you guys haven’t ‘railed’ yet on this show.  I’d say Jesse’s train has pulled into your station almost every day of the season.  Second of all, not romantic?  You’re in a gorgeous suite, just had a bubble bath, etc., and HELLO???   Did you not see the bottle of body paint the camera zoomed in on, on the night stand?  Who says Kovaks isn’t romantic.  I mean, that would certainly induce me into a case of the Kovacs, no?  And while we’re on the subject, does anyone else think Dave has a case of the Kovaks?

 Can we also remember that there’s a camera man in the room?  Pretty much perched up on the edge of the bed in the dark (are all the videographers on this show registered sex offenders, because last night made me realize how creepy the filming can be).  Prior to ‘railing’ the camera captures them in bed fighting about whether or not to have sex.  Then it comes back after they have sealed the deal and Elizabeth is about to take a rape shower.  Did they invite the cameraman back in after having sex so he could capture their post-coital argument, or did he just stay and watch the whole damn thing?  Which is worse?

 KIP-TEN.  I was a huge Kiptyn fan on Jillian’s season and still am, despite his ferociously wet kissing.  I think he’s adorable.  I think he’s a really good guy.  Etc.  But I was more than a little disturbed by his handling of raw chicken.  Were the producers trying to make a point of showing us that they take care of themselves in the house (also demonstrated by Dave ironing his own shirt)?  Either way, the fact that Tenley was basically leaning on the salmonella-infested cutting board to chat with Kiptyn while he ran his fingers through the meat and then I actually think embraced her before washing his hands, was truly off-putting.  The only thing to distract me from this grossness was Tenley at her best the whole episode.  ‘I like Kiptyn.  Kiptyn is fun!  Kissing is Fun!  Kiptyn is more fun than Jesus! (okay added that one, thanks Mike).  Not to mention her interpretive dance performed for the others as she confirmed that Kovacs and Elizabeth were in fact, in the fantasy suite.  And of course, let’s not forget her belief that Natalie and Dave’s date was starting out in a rocketship.  Really???!!!???

 Once again, right up till the end we think the underdogs will survive (I REALLY thought so this time), and then someone goes ahead and lies.  I just wanna know if Kiptyn and Tenley voted against Kovacs and Elizabeth).

 Peyton and Jesse were both sweethearts, but it’ll be nice not to cringe over her accent anymore.  Not sure who my money is on next week…but I’m thinking Dave and Natalie?  The finale is timed perfectly for Yom Kippur so I can repent for the sins of watching this trash, right after it ends.

 Oh and for the record, loose tank tops on guys = gross.  I don’t care how hot your body is.  The openings should just not be big enough to see your belly button.  I’m sorry, it’s just not right.

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