NOTES ON A SCANDAL…OR MANY (THE BACHELOR PAD, EPISODE 4)

 We started off strong last night and overall the episode didn’t disappoint.  As Dave called Wes a jackass and challenged him to some sort of duel, memories of Dave’s rage issues and my initial thoughts that he may be a date rapist from Jillian’s season came flooding back.  What did you expect Wes to do, Dave?  Vote against his (not-so-secret) girlfriend to save you the hassle of having to break a tie?  I mean really.  It’s obvious by the highly disturbing montage of Wes underwater in his underwear in the hot tub that when Gia left she took a little piece of Wes’s heart with her. 

 Then we move onto the evening’s activity.  The blessed survey.  Obviously Tenley had to cry the whole way through filling it out (that girl really needs someone to guard and protect her heart – can anyone think if someone who might fit the bill???  Perhaps with the voice of a leprechaun???).  Krissily, of course, had to narrate the obvious for us in her beyond-annoying voice (did anyone else notice just how many solo interviews she did on camera last night and also how many wardrobe changes there were on her part?).  When morning came and it was time to expose the survey results to the group, I don’t know about you, but I was giddy and fixin’ (as Peyton would say) for some drama.

 Chris (ever handsome in his Chocky’s pajama top – thanks Mike for that one) and Melissa might as well have said ‘Look guys, ratings are down so we need to stir some shit up.  Here’s a sure-fire way to make some of you cry and hate each other in order to guarantee a Season 2. ‘

 There were so many moments during this challenge that I hearted.

1)       Love that Elizabeth was offended at being voted most shallow, but then admits she doesn’t even know what it means.  Is it the syllables?  Too many?

2)      Love that Natalie cracked the code of Krissily being voted most people’s enemy because, well, “Krissily is just a bitch.”

3)      Love that even the guy doing her voted Natalie as unmarrieable and that Natalie was confused as to why she would be labelled a slut.  Um, Natalie, do you not remember offering to make out with every guy on the show for twenty bucks last week and taking your top off on your group date where the majority of people there were straight girls?  And come on people, we all know that if ever there was a girl who won’t ever be a bride, it’s Krissily.

4)        My all-time favourite moment of this challenge had to be the boob job question.  As soon as it’s asked, the music actually slows down and pans to Kovacs wrestling with how to answer because he SO knows that Elizabeth’s boob job is totally ridiculous (even Elizabeth knows her boobs are the worst fakes there).  What a gentleman.  He sacrifices a point to save her from spilling some silicone tears (and also to ensure he still gets to play with them for the remainder of his time on Bachelor Pad).  For the record, did anyone else think Krissily’s boobs were real?

 I was surprised to see Wes’s surprise at being identified as a jerk.  When he said I’m not a jerk at all, I’m like really?  At all?  Though I do like him more this season than Jillian’s, let’s not forget your secret girlfriend and blatant use of the show as a platform to gain exposure for your music last time around, Buddy.

 The aftermath of the challenge was amazing.  Girls crying in bath tubs, storage closets, and every other nook and cranny of the house.  I think someone needs to set the record straight for Elizabeth.  Kovacs tells her that the fact that she won ‘most shallow’ and ‘worst boob job’ (her parents must be so proud) doesn’t mean anything and that people don’t really think that way, was a cute but pathetic attempt to make her feel better.  Based on the structure of the survey and challenge, Jesse, that’s exactly what it means.  Both individually and collectively, people do in fact, think those exact things.  Try again.

 In a disturbingly cute way, it takes this moment, recognizing Elizabeth has bad boobs and is shallow to seal Jesse’s feelings for her.  He actually goes so far as to tell us how perfect she is and that he just realized that he obviously has to take the time to tell her that more because of her insecurity (despite her beauty and winning personality of course).  You just realized this?  She’s been threatening you since the premiere to have you booted if you don’t kiss her ass all day.  Have we entered the twilight zone here?  Where Wes is a voice of reason and Elizabeth is the perfect woman?  Have you forgotten how psycho she is??? 

 The heat is definitely on the couples in the house and though Natalie has claimed that she and Dave have to keep their “relationship” under tight wraps, we all know there is nothing tight about Natalie.

 Let’s do some math on Tenley.  Before going on Jake’s season of the Bachelor, she had only been with one man (the mysterious ex-husband).  Last night, she told us she hasn’t been with a man since Jake broke her heart on The Bachelor.  So Kiptyn is a whopping # 3 on Tenley’s bed post notches, and I’m pretty sure we’re talking heavy petting here at the most.  Tenley may have bleached her mustache and put on her finest dress shorts for their dinner date and given Kiptyn the rose, but did this born-again vixen give him her flower?  I seriously doubt it.

 And right up there on the list of steamy dates had to be Peyton and Jesse’s romantic evening.  I mean once I heard Peyton’s favourite meal was a corn dog and a funnel cake, I knew there was going to be some real wining and dining for these two. 

Just when I thought his slurred speech and inability to perform the difficult task of opening the envelope holding the fantasy date card were going to take the cake, he goes ahead and belches so loudly in her face I swear I could smell it in my family room.  Good for Peyton for calling him on it and not falling under his spell of riveting conversation about martini glasses being nice.

 And what was that ‘hey we’re home’ dance they performed upon entering the house again together?  The social awkwardness there was equivalent to the ‘trip and skip’ – you know, when you sort of trip while walking and to cover up your blunder you do a little two-step as if you meant to speed up while looking around to see if anyone saw without making any actual eye contact.  We’ve all done it and we all know how stupid it is and how few people we are actually fooling.

 Finally, the cocktail party.  Try as people might, the power couples seem to have it locked.  I am getting a bit bored of having one person swear up and down every week that they know how they’re voting and then doing the last minute swing to save one of the couples.  Krissily had it coming and I’m only sad I will no longer have the pleasure of cringing as she rekindles the memory of her and Dave’s ‘connection’ during the blind kissing contest nine years ago.  And sorry you didn’t stay classy?    Were you ever? 

 Gotta say Wes handled this show quite well (though I am still trying to erase the memory of the hot tub scene from my brain).   Definitely left on a high note when he just said ‘I had a great time’ after Krissily’s angry departure (by the way was anyone else confused by why all of a sudden Natalie is bawling for having to send Wes home?  Were they friends?)

 Next week, the inevitable happens.  Three lovely ladies have to go.  I imagine the drama will continue on a high note and I am picturing a lovely basket of knee pads arriving on the doorstep to help the ladies make their case to get votes to stay.

 If the basket is a no show, I’m sure future cat lady Natalie has enough to go around.

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