This might be short, because I wrote a whole damn thing and then my computer crashed and I lost it and am currently very pissed off.
Let the record show that I was out dinner with some girlfriends on Monday night, and was all set to go home and watch Bachelor Pad when my husband BBM’s me with the comment” Bachelor Pad is crazy.” SO BUSTED. That’s right peeps, he was actually watching it, ALONE, AT HOME, WITHOUT ME. I didn’t know whether to be disturbed (I mean it’s one thing to be supportive and enjoy some quality time with the wife but…) or pissed that he didn’t wait for me to get home! Hello???
I knew it would be a good one when the trailer showed the clip of Natalie saying ‘I’d make out with every guy here for twenty bucks’ like fourteen times.
The episode started out intense. Gia calling out Nicky for being classless by going against her word while Nicky sat there batting her fake eyelashes (cleverly constructed using spare sideburn hairs) while secretly praying someone would hand her a blotting paper for her T zone. Gia, is it really fair for you to be pointing the finger at Nicky when it was you who did the exact same thing to Craig M and also, the more obvious example of going back on your word to your boyfriend back home. Monogomy much?
When Chris announced the kissing contest, I felt a wave of emotions take over. First; straight up nausea. If I can barely handle the makeout noises of the odd couple hooking up in the bunk bed room, how would I fare enduring this segment? I covered my eyes, I bimmed (barfed in mouth), I gasped, and obviously, I cringed. Oh did I cringe.
For starters, I thought David’s lower lip was literally going to transform itself into some sci-fi alien and consume everyone on the show. And he won best kisser???
I was impressed that Tenley went for it like she did, right? She was right in there, tongue and all, though that was of course after the childish gigglefest when every guy was kissing her. Alas, just when I thought she was getting a firmer grasp of her emotions, she went ahead and started crying when she found out her favourite kisser was Kiptyn.
I think Wes hit the nail on the head when he called Natalie’s kissing violent. No surprise her and David have chemistry and ‘they’re a couple now.’
But I think the MVP (Most Vile Participant) award during the kissing contest has to go to Elizabeth. First of all, the mmm…mmm…mmming she insisted on doing with every guy made me want to punch myself in the face. Truly disgusting. Second, way, WAY too much tongue with nearly everyone and third, she is just such a bitch. Honestly, saying ‘I just realized how gross this is’ right after kissing Weatherman. And just to make sure his erection is as deflated as a balloon six weeks after a birthday party, she does an I’m-drunk-and-about-to-puke spitting session on the ground. Poor guy. Throw the kid a bone every once in a while!
And again, back to Gia. You know when a girl is so hot you just hate yourself when you’re near her and then you find out something completely materialistic, like for example, that she has toe thumbs, and it just makes everything else seem good and pure in the world. Well, wait for it. Gia has man hands. Ladies, it’s okay. You can smile. No one will judge you.
I have to side with Natalie on this one. Don’t go on Bachelor Pad with a boyfriend and then cry about the things you may be called upon to do. And let’s not forget an important fact here. Gia is not a nun. She’s not a librarian. She’s not a kindergarten teacher. She’s a swimsuit model. Nuf said.
Good thing Chris was there, the extraordinary host that he is, to say just the right thing before he sends her in to grab a Kleenex and take a rape shower. As Gia bawls her eyes out, Chris asks “Is it because of the kissing contest?” Um no, Chris, she’s upset about Haiti.
Okay. Date nights. Krissily was just embarrassing. I think maybe her Bump It (https://www.bumpits.ca/?MID=548661) must have been in a bit too tight because last time I checked the way to intrigue a guy was not telling him that you’re a bad kisser. I was going to throw something at the TV if I heard her mention their chemistry and connection one more time. Um, he didn’t know it was you sweetheart. You could tell how into her Dave was by the way he completely ignored her during their alone time as Natalie went galloping across the outdoor furniture.
And Natalie. Really? Really, you’ve always wanted to go to a topless pool? Really? Am I the only one who didn’t know about topless polls until Monday? Nude beaches, yes. Topless pools? Maybe only in Vegas…(BTW most awkward moment of the episode has to go to the group hug with a topless Natalie in the middle. I’m sure Krissily and Nikki were thrilled about her bare nipples rubbing up against them.)
And while we’re on the subject (warning – side rant approaching) does it bother anyone else when people mispronounce the word Vegas? (this happened multiple times on the episode). It’s like listening to a non-Jew say bagel. It’s BAYgel, not BAHgel. Just sayin’.
Anyways, while Nikki and Krissily elected to keep their tops on, I do think I caught a bit of peekaboo action with Nikki’s nipples. But that’s what happens when you buy an XS top for size L boobs.
Onto Peyton’s date. Kudos to Peyton for a) speaking for the first time on the show, though her accent makes me ill, b) winning the kissing contest for her non-violent, minimal tongue kissing and c) for having the balls to take Elizabeth’s man on a date, basically a death wish in my books. Kiptyn’s little lie about his feelings for Tenley was actually quite cute (hopefully it won’t get back to Tenley that he basically told Peyton he wasn’t interested in Tenley even if he was lying…I can only imagine Tenley lying in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. Most importantly though, did anyone see Peyton’s shoes on that date? It’s worth a rewind. First of all she must be a size thirteen minimum. Secondly, she was wearing full-on, straight from the gym athletic shoes. Like we’re talking Asics here. I get the cute and casual look is appropriate for a drag racing date, but have you not heard of Puma? Adidas? Any runner with a thin sole??? Even a flat boot or ballet flat would suffice! She might as well have come straight out of a fitbox class. Her and Jesse hooking up was neither here nor there and that’s all I have to say about that. Nice walk of shame down the stairs in the morning. People were probably like ‘who’s that blonde girl?’
Ok. I’m tired. I want to go to bed.
For the record, I think it would have been AWESOME and very small of Kovacs to vote off ELizabeth. He would have sailed smoothly through the rest of the game and I’m sure everyone would have understood him giving her the boot once he explained the battered-woman-syndrome relationship he was living (he being the battewred woman, just so we’re clear).
But, he wasn’t thinking with his brain was he?
Weatherman, here’s hoping that Average Joe comes back on the air, or maybe Beauty and the Geek. Maybe then you have a shot at getting some. Until then, keep…telling us the weather? Maybe one day they’ll let you do traffic? Goodbye sweet weatherman…goodbye.
And Gia. Hot, sweet, stupid, naïve, Gia. May you have a wonderful journey picking between your ‘honey back home’ and the modern day but better and cuter Shakespeare Wes. We’ll all miss you…we all love you…but you know what they say (they say love, it don’t come eeeeeeaaaaasssssyyyyyyy…(and apparently neither does new material)
I am OUT.