NOTES ON A SCANDAL (OR MANY)…THE BACHELOR PAD EPISODE 1

Okay I have now come down from the euphoric high prompted by the Bachelor Pad premiere. I mean, I had high hopes to begin with…the concept, the fact that we don’t have to focus on one wanna-be TV star’s ‘journey’ to find love, the endless, ENDLESS possibilities for drama, but after watching episode one, I was completely spent and just had to bask in the glow of amazingness for a while.

Before I go any further, since it’s early enough in the season to jump aboard, here is a message to all you husbands, boyfriends, fiancees, and male roommates out there: Open your hearts to Bachelor Pad. We understand your albeit unwelcome commentary muttered under your breath as your wives sit next to you on the couch trying to ignore your ‘how can you watch this shit’ interruptions during a regular season of the Bachelor or Bachelorette. But this is PURE entertainment and a chance to bond with your spouse over something that fills her with a new level of joy. So embrace it. You know you want to. I’m not ashamed to say that my husband is a valued contributor to my Bachelor Pad experience. In fact, he was quick to point out that Chris Harrison is embracing the casual nature of the show by sporting salmon-coloured golf shirts instead of suits and adding the word ‘Dude’ to his vocabulary. Thanks, Honey. Maybe Chris is taking a step down in the formality of being a host to make room for his new cohost – none other than Melissa Rycroft. Um, Melissa…how ya going to kiss that new hubby of yours now that your lips seem to have been removed from your face? Ah, Hollywood.

Now, business.

Let’s start with the star of episode one: Elizabeth. I mean I knew she had issues with her ‘I won’t kiss you until the finale, except for maybe one minute from now’ fiasco with Jake, but whoa there, someone needs to reach inside her chin dimple (chimple?) and pull out some of those crazy pills she’s been hiding. With every conversation she had, it just got better and better. Did she know Jesse before this show or are her ‘I’m in love with you’ statements from watching downloaded episodes of the season he was in? Either way, poor Jesse. That kid is F*!K#D! Nothing is more disturbing (and amazing) than watching her threats and her ‘here’s how it’s gonna be’ speeches. I’m going to leave it at that for now, bc we all know there is LOTS more to come with Elizabeth. Is there an equivalent to ‘Butterface’ for a girl that is hot but psycho?

Gwen. Shame. This is Bachelor Pad. The auditions for Cougar’s Den are down the hall.

I had a moment of ‘Oh, I remember you!’ with Krissily followed by a small amount of vomit rising up my throat (quickly swallowed it). Still single??? I’m shocked!!! That girl is one beer away from being a She-male. Can’t wait to see her not hook up with anyone.

Weatherman…sigh…love the fact that he was talking about Gia-pet as if he had even a small chance in hell with her. Equally love the fact that before Craig arrived, he was concerned that if Craig were there it would screw up his game and if he wasn’t there, it would just be smooth sailing. Okay weatherman, if you want to keep telling yourself that Craig M is your only obstacle to scoring with some of these chicks, we understand. You do what you need to do, Sweetheart.

Did anyone else feel for Tenley as she was imprisoned in the bathroom? Loved the close-up of the door handle shaking as she tries to grand-jette out of there. And speaking of close-ups, also loved the ones of each girl trying to climb up on her top bunk in a bikini – hilarious. Or how a scene would open with a close-up of boobs and then pan out to the rest of the scene. Not to worry about Tenley though, folks, she can pirouette herself back to her happy place any time she wants. Michelle, I would have loved to see more of you (like watch her go after Jesse – can you imagine!!!) but someone had to go, and since you were most likely to commit murder in the house, it had to be you.

I also had three fundamental issues that I feel warrant discussion.

1) I would like to start a petition that when there is kissing going on in any of the bunk beds, the mics should be turned off. There is NOTHING grosser than hearing people’s makeout noises. It’s vile. It makes my skin crawl. Who’s with me?

2) The Beach Date. I don’t know about you guys, but if I’m going to the beach, especially on a date, I would bring with me, at minimum, a towel, a lip balm, some form of sun protection, at least one Us Weekly or In Touch (possibly two), sunglasses, nine cover-up options and a water bottle. Jessie from Toronto, just hops into the limo with JUST her bikini on??? Excuse me? This probably upset me just as much as Alli running in the ocean with suede boots on, last season, maybe even more.

3) Along the lines of not enough clothing, was anyone else shocked that some of these ladies didn’t put on a pair of shorts or something to play TWISTER? I mean you never know which unflattering angle you’ll get stuck in with this game. There are stomach rolls to contend with, things falling out of said spandex attire, not to mention some poor guy’s close up of your razor burn or in-growns. You have to be pretty confident to play that game in just a bathing suit, am I right?

But alas, I can still forgive all these blunders, as I eagerly await episode two, and three and four and more. Life is good at the Bachelor Pad.

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