BACHELOR BRAD – THE WOMEN TELL ALL

Usually the ‘women tell all’ episode is an annoying time filler designed to draw out the weeks the Bachelor can run, but gotta say last night’s episode provided me with several actual moments of entertainment.

 Right at the beginning Chris opened with what surely weighed heavily on all of our hearts when the season began – “Is it possible to give this man a second chance at love? Despite scepticism of the world over, can Brad win our hearts back and flourish in love’s warm embrace?”  I know at home I felt confident in the affirmative but what weirded me out a little was showing the many men in the audience who nodded feverishly in agreement during this opening, as if they had put lots of deep thought into it.  Really guys?  Have you actually lain awake at night wondering if you should give Brad another shot at love?  Either that or a producer is holding up a sign that says ‘nod in earnest’ for audience members to follow. 

 As predicted, last night was The Michelle Show.  Once again, the master manipulator had us all eating out of her man hands and by the end of the episode she had become the stripper with the heart of gold paying her way through law school.  Despite her outfit, which frankly, was alarming, she somehow managed to have us all feeling BAD for her.  How does this happen?  Not only that, but I actually found myself agreeing with Britti Longstocking!  When she said that the reason why Michelle takes so much heat is because of how intimidating she is due to her looks, confidence, etc., it was really an aha moment for me.  Oprah would be so proud!  If Michelle wasn’t as god-damn gorgeous as she is, would we have spent this much time hating her throughout the season? 

 And did anyone else think it’s weird that whats-er-name in the back row with the curly hair jumped to Michelle’s defense right away before the floodgates even opened?  Obviously you had a lot of time to get to know her (Lisa?) since you got zero camera time, not to mention no dates with Brad.  Did you even get to go on a group date?  And what was up with Stacey the bartender, who looked like one third tranny, one third tiger and one third concealer covering up acne on her chin and jawline.  It was funny to watch her backpedal after she crossed the line with the mom comment by saying ‘I didn’t call you a bad mom, I just wouldn’t do that to my child’.  Nice cover up, loser.  And I don’t see anyone judging Boring Barbie for leaving little Ricki at home to come on the show.  Either way, it just was not as fun for us to mock Michelle as she is bawling her eyes out, licking her lips incessantly and repeating ‘I went for the right reasons over and over’.  Not saying it wasn’t done, just saying not as fun.   

 For the record, I will buy the fact that a lot of what Michelle said on camera was taken out of context due to her sarcastic sense of humour.  I happen to know, ahem, a few people, who employ this humour, and it works for them quite well.  But I’d still have to side with Jewish Jackie on many things (who by the way must have had a bit too much horseradish in her gefilte fish before the show because she was feis-T!).  While some things Michelle said were taken out of context and just plain funny, she is still a full stalker, part mean girl and totally psychotic.  Case in point is that the girl is still single!!! You don’t look like that and have no boyfriend unless you are pretty messed up in some way or another.  That’s just plain fact.  Thoughts?  Discuss.

 Not only was last night The Michelle Show, it was also The Bronzer Show.  It’s like these girls were making up for all the times in the house that the camera caught them with no makeup by piling on layer upon layer of bronzer, glitter, lipstick, mascara, shellac, oil, whatever.  Ashley H was a full seven shades darker than the episode she got booted, not to mention her extensions, new hair colour, and flaming lips that highlighted her disproportionately small mouth.  I actually did like most of the outfits (except for Melissa’s lace men’s button down over a mini-dress, what was that?  Poor girl.), but the makeup was actually nauseating.

 One of the best things about this episode is that you get to see the never-before-seen footage, such as Brad actually laughing and appearing to have personality and make comments known as ‘jokes’.  And of course it was nice to see Chris Harrison really getting more involved in the show, like when he was finally chosen for his dream one-on-one date with Brad at the Henna school.  You could just see the love in his eyes as he watched Brad dancing and fumbling with the words to the kids’ songs.  ‘This is the way we wash our hair, wash our hair, wash our hair’, Brad.  It’s not rocket science.  If you’re gonna be Ricki’s baby-daddy you’ve got some work to do.

 Maybe after Chris Harrison’s one on one date with Brad, he got a bit of the bug and decided he wanted some more camera time, because last night, he became Chris ‘defence mechanism’ Harrison and the hot seat might as well have been a sofa in a shrink’s office.   I’ve never seen Chris have so much to say.  Dude, you’re a reality TV show host for a show that barely needs a host!  You’re no PHD in psychology.  Still, I thought it was sweet when he delved into Ashley’ S’s emotional trauma (though I hope she wasn’t serious about asking him if he has any single friends!!!) and I also thought it was equally sweet when he had to use the shush/whistle combo on the girls when Michelle was hyperventilating and cleaning her boogers in the hot seat.  Either way Chris, please don’t ever say y’all again.

 When Brad came out, I thought, ok it’s Chantal.  Because he said ‘my significant other told me I could only be marginally happy to see the other ladies’ and that just doesn’t seem like something Emily would say to him.  But then later on he tells us that he’s in love and has been for a while and since he has already told Emily on many occasions on the show that he is in love with her, it must be Emily.  SO once again, only time will tell.   

 By far, the best part about last night, and I think you’ll all agree, is the preview of Bachelor Pad Season Two.  So many questions, so many skanks, so many comments.  Seeing the combo of Princess Erica – the wanna-be Beverly Hills socialite with Guard-and-protect-you-heart-Kasey together made me laugh out loud.  Hearing the news that Vienna and Gia are best friends until Wes sleeps with Vienna – what???  I won’t invest too much time on this since the cast hasn’t been finalized yet, but definitely something to look forward to.

 And just in time for my mat leave to come to an end (puke), so too will this season of the Bachelor.  Once we watch ‘After the Final Rose’ which will no doubt air after the finale, it’ll be just another hop, skip and jump till I’m back in heels with deadlines more stressful than getting this blog out on Tuesday mornings.  Thanks for the love, peeps.  Till we meet again…next week 😉

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