Whoa.  Where to start.  Bet someone’s wishin’ they could pull a Jason and reselect their final pick, eh?

 Last night was many things.  Boring?  Obviously, these finales always are.  Awkward?  Beyond.  Confusing?  Indeed, especially when it came to both of their final dress selections (why are the finale dresses always so gross???  Need I remind anyone of Vienna’s off the rack prom dress from the 80’s?)

 Friggin’ love South Africa.  When I do go there in ten years, I think I’m going to hire a troop of signers to follow us around on our trip so I can always have music playing in the background. 

 My head is still reeling from the ‘After the Final Rose’ debacle, but I owe it to the series to comment on the episode first.

 So.  Within minutes, I obviously had a good cry as Brad waited like Rapunzel for his family to come up to his balcony.  At first I was touched by his unabashed emotion at seeing his whole family, including his sister-in-law, Buck-toothed Betty, but when he couldn’t pull himself together and had to calm himself by doing a series of presses on the balcony, I was a bit concerned.  Do we need to bring his shrink in?  The only thing good about watching Brad cry the whole episode was watching his piercing eyes get bluer and bluer…and after watching After the Final Rose, I feel like Bipolar Barbie might make them black and blue on occasion, no?)

 His family seemed to really love Chantal (when his mom called her precious, that was adorable) but then Emily played the kid card and it was like Chantal was some sort of dirty whore.  I mean, I get that the sisters in law want someone to debate important issues with, like which stroller to buy, etc., but that isn’t really a reason to pick someone right?  And judging by his pit stains when he waved goodbye to Chantal after her family visit, she obviously gives him butterflies too.

Usually when the final two meet the family, there is some difference in opinion and the viewers are left wondering who the Bachelor will choose in the end.  But of course, not this time.   They might as well have written her name in the sky.  I can’t say I’m really surprised that the fam liked Emily though.  He probably secretly told them off camera that she was going to be his final pick, since he basically admitted this to her and the viewers all season.  When the doorbell rang at Emily’s visit, he pulled a Tom Cruise and fully jumped the couch.  And of course, in true Emily form all she could muster upon meeting them was ‘Golly!’  Excruciating.  Kill me.

 You’d think we’d be desensitized a bit by now of the story of Ricki’s death, and honestly at this point I could fully tell it on my own…used to fly every weekend to race, wasn’t feeling well that day, decided to stay back, plane never made it, yada, yada, yada…yet, still, every time she tells it, I find myself bawling.  What is wrong with me???

 Onto the final dates.  Let me just say this.  If any guy ever even suggested to me that I get into a cage with sharks to prove my love for him, I’d make sure his dick was sticking right out of that cage when those hungry sharks went by because there is no effing way that will ever happen.  I have a completely irrational fear of sharks, like to the point where I will no longer waterski at my cottage because of potential lake sharks (and the fact that our boat sank but that’s another story…)  Watching this date was like placing me in a torture chamber.  Even the comic relief of Brad trying to look masculine and kiss her in head to toe spandex or watching Chantal attempt to make something sexy out of the wet-suit by strategically unzipping it to display an explosion of push-up assisted cleavage didn’t cut it for me.  When she said ‘you better put a fucken ring on my finger after this, baby’, I was like Amen, Sister.  Shame.  And honestly, after that wonderful Arts and Crafts project she put together for him (way to cheer for yourself), not to mention her insanely rich family, how could he not put a ring on it?  The wine alone is totally worth it!

 And then there was Emily’s date.  Self-sabotaging, over-dressed Emily.  I have loved Emily’s style this whole season (except for her final dress pick and that Mr. T-esque ‘JRH’ bracelet?  Anyone know what JRH stands for?  Am I forgetting a really obvious designer?  Anyone?)  It’s not difficult to look adorable with her teensy tiny body but she can throw together a pretty cute outfit.  I didn’t mind her blue dress on their afternoon date, though Mike thought it was a bit too Flintstones (yes he has opinions about outfits!)  They must have not communicated enough prior to the date as he showed up in jeans and a t-shirt and she was decked out in full strappy’s and a cocktail dress just to hang in the hotel room.  Still her final dress wasn’t as bad as Chantal’s overall look for the final rose…she looked borderline second trimester as she exploded out of her dress and that hair was a bit too side-swept for my liking.

 As Brad and Emily sat on the largest sectional of all time and he proclaimed his undying love and wish to be not just a stepfather but a father to Emily’s daughter, it was like watching a bad car accident. First off, he induced a full anxiety attack on himself.  Second, Emily, when will you learn to shut your chiclet-filled mouth???  Stop talking him out of choosing you and destroying any chance of happiness you have.  He was so distracted by his future crumbling before our eyes that we didn’t even get to see the gift she made for him.  What a ripoff.  We had to settle for watching him trudge back to his room, soaked in his own anxiety-induced sweat carrying a dinky gift bag no doubt containing a letter riddled with inspiring words like ‘nice’, ‘gosh’, ‘golly’ and my favourite ‘dag-gun’.

 Ok.  Onto the moment.  Watching the pain in Chantal’s face was hard.  Poor girl.  We liked her, didn’t we guys?  Other than a smudged mani here and there and the occasional water-works she was a nice girl, no?  I could actually see what the five-year-old Chantal being denied a cookie must have looked like as he gave her his half-assed explanation followed by the most awkward hug ever.   He only thing that comforted me watching her leave broken hearted was the fact that she could go home to mommy and daddy’s house and snuggle up to a nice bag of money and have a good cry.

 What is there to say about Emily’s moment?  Oh right.  Nothing.  She couldn’t come up with a better word that ‘happy’ to say to Brad – I mean honestly, throw him a bone!  The dude is bawling and not one tear was shed.  It was so anticlimactic, but then again I’m sure Emily knows nothing about climaxing.  The only way this finale would have been more interesting is if instead of being sent home, the loser gets dropped off in the middle of Johannesburg to be murdered. 

 K I clearly have to get this done quickly because I am getting death threat emails from some of you!

 After the final rose…whoa.  Didn’t see that coming.  Clearly things aren’t so rosy at the Barbie Ranch.  I thought we would see happy little Brad and Emily and instead we were introduced to Bipolar Barbie.  Gosh and golly were replaced with words like ‘volatile’and ‘temper’.  Awesome guys, way to go.  Even Emily admitted she would have picked Chantal!!!  You could almost see the glimmer of hope mixed with fear in Brad’s eyes the whole time.  Emily seemed even more one-dimensional than before, if that’s humanly possible, saying ‘I love you’, every time Chris asked her a question she couldn’t answer. Enough with the whole ‘if I think I’m going to get hurt, I pull away’ crap too.  Emily, he proposed to you!!!  On national TV!!!  What more does he have to do to make you secure? 

 And no way did I buy for a second that her ring was the wrong size.  The producers knew that Ashley’s dad used to sing her Seal songs as a child, I think they would have covered off the ring sizes of all the contestants.  Total BS.  She probably took it off the minute the episode finished and then beat the shit out of Brad. 

 They must have been pretty desperate if they had to bring on three other Bachelor couples to guide them through how function as a couple in this cold harsh world.  When Molly mentioned bloggers hiding behind their computers and how they have to ignore them, sure, I did have a twinge of gilt, but I’m clearly over that!  Phew!

 I felt pretty bad for Chantal, when she chatted with Brad (thank goodness she’s not an emotional eater- she seems to have slimmed down since the public breakup).  She basically had one ass cheek off the couch to sit as far away from him as possible and she couldn’t even look at him at first.  Either way, happy for her and her rebound – hopefully that’ll work out! 

 I actually had high hopes for Brad and Emily.  Even though she isn’t my cup of tea (in that there is almost no life to her), they seemed to have fallen in love.  Clearly they are headed for a long, hard, possibly violent, jealous, very public, painful voyage and personally, I want off this boat in the knick of time. 

 Who’s ready for Bachelor Pad???

 Later Bremily!


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