Okay we’re getting down to the wire here people, and last night’s episode left me sadly lacking in some material. Let’s make the best of it shall we, and see what I can come up with.
The introductory scene showed us Brad packing up several suitcases (good or you, Brad, for not travelling like a typical guy and throwing a toothbrush and two pairs of underwear into a suitcase and calling it a day). But when he left his hotel and even got to the airport, all he had with him was his man purse. Did he decide in the end that all he really needed was his harness and leave the luggage at home?
The thing that stood out to me the most at the beginning when he was narrating his feelings for the three women was shamefully, Ashley’s receding hairline. In some countries, they call that forehead a five-head. Also reminding us of what Chantal looked like at the beginning of the season made it painfully obvious just how many pounds she had packed on by last night. I mean, I get emotional eating. Don’t get me wrong. I drown my sorrows in cake (or currently Cadbury’s Cream Eggs – tis the season!) as much as the next guy, but honey, you’re on a TV show that requires a bikini at least once per episode. Show some self-restraint! Especially when you’re in the company of hippopotamuses…you don’t want Brad to have any room for drawing comparisons and accidentally leaving you in the wild.
Normally when it’s the fantasy date episode, by the end of it, even the viewers need a shower from all the bodily fluid transmitting but last night, I feel like Brad must have had a pretty dry run. For sure, Chantal was his greatest success, she was ready to nosedive into his pants on episode one, so I’m sure he scored there. Regarding Emily, I think he would probably consider boobs over shirt a tremendous success and heavy petting the new home run and Ashley…well we all know how great that date was. Either way, I hope he double bagged it just to be safe, because to quote Brad, “you can’t be in the bush without a safari hat.” Now is that not a PSA for safe sex or what?
Despite the fact that you had to spend time with Brad on these dates, I was SOOOO jealous of these girls. South Africa is literally my dream vacation. I have a little tiny South Africa Fund that in about ten years will hopefully be big enough to buy enough drugs for the kids for the flight and take them on safari.
The animals were incredible. I never thought of giraffes as adorable, but after watching that little guy chewing his leaves, I was smitten. There was something familiar about it, like watching an 80 year old man at Kiva’s enjoying a nice dish of schmaltz herring while his teeth rest gently in the glass next to him.
There was something very manly about knowing that Brad was there to protect Chantal from any treacherous wildlife that may come their way on the safari, especially as they set up their picnic alongside one of the most dangerous animals in the world. That’s right. Hippos. Look it up. Either way I’m sure Chantal felt right at home with them and despite Brad’s protective nature, all masculinity went south when I noticed that Brad was on his tippy toes while he was kissing Chantal on the hippo rocks. No joke. Tippy toes in Tevas. Not hot. Oh and also that they had a guide with a gun ready to kill anything that interrupted their romantic date. At least the camera guy finally had someone to hang out with.
So they’re at dinner and the fantasy date card arrives and I’m thinking honestly, could they not change the wording even slightly in eleven seasons??? Even just change one word!!! It is embarrassing at this point to watch these girls pretend they don’t know it’s coming when they all no doubt, watch this show at home. And does it really need to be from Chris Harrison? Can’t it just be from an omniscient narrator (that’s what a University English degree will get ya – throwing phrases like ‘omniscient narrator into every day sentences.) But seriously the fact that it’s from Chris makes me picture him curled up in bed with a fountain pen and scented stationary hand-writing these notes and pleasuring himself to the thought of who will accept the invitation and key from the 1600’s.
So this magic treehouse. Amazing? Yes. Romantic? Yes. Adorable? Yes. Once in a lifetime? Definitely. But here’s a question. Where the F is the bathroom? Because after a long sweaty day in the bush, a girl’s gotta freshen up…well…her bush… no?
Onto Emily. Honestly what is there to say? I don’t know why we don’t just end the show here. He has already broken every rule in Bachelor history by a) telling her in advance that she’s getting a rose in a previous date and now b) basically admitting that he’s in love with her. Either way, if I hear her say dang it, dag-gone or ‘nice’ to describe something incredible one more time, I’m going to scream. I guess they deserve each other, mind you. They will have very attractive children and live a nice quiet boring life together void of any humour. Sounds so awesome. I feel like the more time he spends with her, the more awkward and nervous he gets. I can’t decide if it’s endearing. By the way, for some reason only last night, did I notice that Emily is only 24!!! Does anyone else find that crazy??? Seriously.
Moving onto Ashley. Really, what is there to say here too? That is the worst date I’ve ever witnessed. Even the crickets heard crickets. Gotta give Ashley credit though. I love how on every date she sits there and eats, and eats, and eats. Even as her relationship is clearly crumbling before her eyes, she’s still chewing and taking more. Love it. I am so sick of watching these people have the best looking food laid out in front of them on their one on one dates and never touching it. I guess that’s how these girls stay so skinny. Well, except Chantal.
I’m still confused by why being a dentist or hygienist or whatever she is seems to take over any possibility of having a well-balanced life. I have actually worked in a dental office and can pretty confidently say that it’s a pretty nice life. Other than having to touch people’s mouths (which you obviously don’t mind if you are a dentist), the hours seem pretty great, the coin is definitely nice, and while you may have to talk to some pretty annoying patients, most of the time they can’t really answer you with more than a gargle because of the instruments in their mouths and the TV is right there if you need it.
But honestly, that’s neither here nor there because Ashley, in all of her mind-numbing up-speak and use of the word ‘like’ that made me feel old is gone, gone, gone! Can anyone really picture her as a dentist for someone other than Barbie???
I’m looking forward to next week’s Women Tell All, or let’s be honest, a live version of ‘The Michelle Show’ and for now, I’m calling Emily as the big winner (which we have all pretty much known all season).
That’s all for today folks! Back to mom-ville