BACHELOR BRAD – EPISODE 7

Ding Dong the witch is dead!!!  Who cares if my predictions from last week were slightly off?  She’s gone, gone, gone! 

 We are getting very close to the end people!  And just in time for me to say goodbye to my leisurely Tuesday morning coffee/typing breaks during morning nap.  Sadly my mat leave will be coming to an end and back to the grind I’ll be going as of late March.  Single tear.

 As the tinkly, cheerful steel drums filled my family room last night, I looked over at my husband on his laptop next to me, as he performed the manly task of looking for speakers online (and NOT watching the show with me) and said ‘Honey, I want to go somewhere with steel drums’.  How can a place with steel drums not be good times???  To which he replied ‘The subway has steel drums.’  Great.  Happy Valentine’s Day back at ya. 

 It’s only fitting that the episode airing on V-Day would be made up of what Brad calls ‘the most romantic dates I’ve ever planned’.  This may be true, except honestly, he says that every single week.  And really, ladies are you really surprised at this point when you hear a helicopter?  Every friggin’ time that propeller makes its way onto the scene, these ladies give him that look like ‘Oh no you didn’t…could it be???’.  DUH.  Yes.  It’s a helicopter.  Again.  Great.

 Gotta admit though, that Brad’s date card to Emily gave even me goosebumps.  Three things I would bring on a deserted island.  Champagne.  Picnic Lunch.  Emily.  Freakin’ adorable.

 So they get to this deserted island…just you and I kid, he says (and an awkward cameraman).  Can I just put this on the table?  It’s pretty obvious that Brad is falling pretty hard for Emily, I mean honestly he performed the biggest No- No in Bachelor history by telling her up front that she’s getting a rose.  But really, besides being beautiful, and sweet, and dainty, and ‘nice’ and having a sometimes-accent, she’s pretty boring, no?  I really don’t see too many laughs in their future.  Listening to her tell him how she feels reminded me of myself working on feelings expression with my three year old.  You feel happy, buddy?  Gooooood. 

 And did they really sit in that one spot on that tiny blanket the whole day?  Deserted islands are cool and everything but honestly at some point there must have been crickets.  Finally, when they’re in the water kissing at the end of the date, all Brad can muster up is “I really like you Em…a lot”.  Wow.  Could he be more articulate?

 Back at the house the next one-on-one card arrives and the ever so charming Michelle pipes in “Neither were we!”, when Shawntel expresses she wasn’t expecting the date.   After Shawntel’s shopping spree date in Vegas, I was pretty surprised to hear her say that she’s tripping out over her dream date to a farmer’s market, but, to each his own, I guess. 

 When they met Auntie B, the village local, I was expecting some sort of sage, soulful, medicine woman type of advice from her.  I expected it to be some sort of moment between the three of them, but turns out she was just looking for her reality TV break, since all she could come up with for them was “Hold hands.  And if you get married, tell your parents.”   Stellar advice, Auntie B.  Stellar.  I’m sure the lingering value of her words were quickly forgotten when they spotted the baby goats and Brad was whisked back in time to his fraternity days.   

 Brad put a lot of pressure on himself and Shawntal for the night time portion of their date when he said “There needs to be something very big between me and Shawntel tonight”.  Well, judging by the amount of times her tongue was down his throat, I think it’s pretty safe to say there was definitely something big between them for most of the night.  BYOH people!  (bring your own harness).

 I gotta say, I totally dug the vibe between Shawntel and Brad.  Clearly she’s a lot more of a good time than Boring Barbie, but obviously they have just started to connect.  How is she only finding out about his daddy issues now?  That’s soooooooo season premiere.

 Do I really need to waste any time on Brit?  No.  Did we see her demise coming, oh…about seven episodes ago?  Yes.  Are we confused by her 90’s secretary by day, Anne of Green Gables by night hair?  Indeed.  Are we wondering if she actually eats any of the food she writes about since she’s about 65 pounds wet?  Obviously.  Can we now confirm that nothing says sexy like a plaid bikini on an eight year old boy’s body?  Yes, I think it’s fair to say so.  Did anyone else notice that she has finger toes?  Hope so!  Was it funny that he sent her back to shore with barely a flutter board and a dream to cling to?  Hilarious.  Were their forks at dinner alarmingly large or did they just look that way next to Brit’s emaciated, nightie-clad body?  We’ll never know.  Was it amusing to watch the other girls pretend to care when she got voted off (especially Michelle)?  Borderline.  Did we cringe when he basically gave her the boot and she commented that she still wants to see where it’s going?  Hell yeah.  Congrats, Brit.  You’ll go down as the only girl in Bachelor history to be denied a rose when one wasn’t even up for grabs.  Shame.  See ya.

 I’d have to agree with Michelle that the yacht date was totally wasted on Brit.  I also have to thank Michelle for not covering up her zits for the interview where she said that.  And for once again being such a good sport about going on a group date:  “I really don’t want to go on a group date with you guys.”  Nice, real nice.

 I like the fact that for the group date, Brad got to wake up the ladies in all their gross, middle-of-the-night splendour.  They are given ten minutes to get ready and Michelle still has time to whip her hair into rollers???  I have bought two sets of rollers in the past and have yet to figure out how to get even one of the damn things to stay in my hair!  I think Chantal really spoke on behalf of all the ladies  out there in the world prior to the group date and expressed what I know I would have been thinking in those circumstances when she referenced herself as lard and admonished herself for her careless eating habits.  Thanks for keepin’ it real, sister.

 Did anyone else notice that Ashley was sleeping with that ginormous teddy bear she won on her carnival date way back in episode two???  I mean seriously, you actually dragged that thing from LA, to Vegas, to Costa Rica to Anguilla in a pathetic attempt to hold onto that ‘connection’ six weeks ago?  I can only imagine how much other luggage you had to shuffle around to fit that bad boy into one of your bags.  Did the producers pay for the extra weight at the airport???  When I see those people carrying around those massive eye-sores at Wonderland filled with lead and the blood of the children in third world countries who made them and god knows what else in the sweltering heat, I just think what a shame that they have to drag them around pretending they’re so excited about their big win.  No way would one of those eyesores take up any real estate in my house.  Anyways.    

 I think that the group dates in this season are by far, the most challenging, the most awkward and the most drama-filled of any season so far, but really brad, going on a date with three hot women, two of whom are topless and a third who won’t stop humping your leg in the sand is ‘nothing short of brutal?’  Really.

 Oh and here’s a gift for the viewer, much like the time I noticed that Elizabeth has toe-thumbs back a few seasons ago.  Michelle has man hands.  I noticed when she was riding Brad on the beach during her photo shoot (because that’s so much more respectable than doing a topless shoot like the other girls, right Michelle?).  Anyways, just a little FYI to make y’all feel good about yourselves knowing that she’s not a completely perfect physical specimen.   Man hands.

 It absolutely kills me that Brad keeps calling it a pool party every time part of his dates revolve around a pool.  Can’t you just call it hanging out by the pool?  There are only four of you and two are crying, dude!  Not so much of a party.  Same rule can be applied to the phrase ‘cocktail party’.

 As the ladies dramatically exited the limo barefoot (weird), Michelle could tell, based on her psychic energy or whatever that something wasn’t right.  I thought it was pretty awesome that she wasn’t even allowed to cast one last spell or dig her claws in one last time to ensure her another episode in the spotlight. 

 Will Chantal’s prediction earlier prove to be true?  Will life really be better without Michelle around?  Only time will tell.  It will definitely be less entertaining but I’m sure she’ll make up for it in the hot seat of ‘After the Final Rose. ‘

 The awkwardness between Brad and Michelle once he gave her the boot was AMAZING.  This is probably the first time in her life that she’s been rejected by a guy and to have it down on national TV?  Bonus!  Her attempt to make us feel sorry for her by curling up in the fetal position in the limo while the cameraman awkwardly zoomed in and out on her face for lack of something else to do was priceless.   

 Next week should be buckets of fun.  It’s always good to see people’s crazy families and overprotective shotgun-wielding daddies trying to assert themselves on TV.  All I have to say is make him work for it, Ricki!

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