Watching the Bachelor drama unfold against the backdrop of lush greenery, incredible volcanoes and picturesque waterfalls brought me back to my own honeymoon in this beautiful country. I remember like it was yesterday, when the helicopter came directly to my Costa Rican villa to pick me and Mike up…oh wait, we’re real people…we took five hours minivan rides. A true sidebar: Costa Rica is friggin’ amazing and you should all go. I don’t know if I’d describe it as ‘organic’ like Ashley (???) but it is unreal, like everything around you is in HD. It is just that gorgeous.
I don’t know if it’s something in the air when these shows begin their road trip portions, but things definitely start to get crazier.
First thing I noticed right away, was Michelle in that purple lulu tank top. Seriously? Could you not wash it? Pick something else? I’m sick of seeing it. Yes, it’s a great colour on you, but then again so is the colour of diarrhoea so time to switch up the outfit, okay? (yes that really is apparently how you spell that word. I tried it a hundred ways until I caved and spell-checked. An ‘O’ – who knew?)
Once again last night’s episode seemed to be The Michelle Show. But can you blame the producers? She’s the only one who has anything funny to say in her interviews and there’s probably a boatload of crazy to edit every time the cameras are on her.
I was surprised when Chantal got the first one on one date, but I am thinking more and more that she is going to be his final pick (against Emily with Michelle coming in a close, angry third). They do seem the most natural, despite her awkward love professions and attempts to be coy-yet-sexy with the small nibble of a kiss, followed by a lip bite, followed by a look right into his eyes, followed by a resting her forehead on his formula they seemed to repeat about a hundred times last night. Despite their obvious comfort with each other and affection towards each other, I think their kiss at the cocktail party when she told him she loved him was the most awkward of the season so far, with any girl. They looked like two chickens going head to head over a worm. It was brutal. Anyways back to the date.
When Chantal and Brad got to the ziplines, I had a flashback to when Mike and I did a series of sixteen on our honeymoon. We were both terrified, though the first few were truly amazing. After about five or so, my thoughts ranged from, ‘this isn’t fun any more, I am nauseous’, to ‘gee, I wonder what I’ll have for dinner tonight’, to ‘kill me now, I’m going to puke’. I can’t imagine how terrifying it must have been in the rain but they seemed to be having a blast. And of course, there was always Brad’s harness to take Michelle’s attention away from the insane heights…I swear it’s like a bad car accident you can’t look away from! Clearly Chantal did take notice, based on her post-date interview. “Brad is the whole package. Today I got a glimpse of everything that could be with him.” Hell yeah, you did.
So obviously the picnic is rained out (um, this is Costa Rica, the producers couldn’t splurge on a little canopy or something to cover them?) and back to his room they go. Of course, Brad has to give her a white men’s dress shirt to put on and not a t-shirt or sweats or something (might as well give her a pair of tube socks too and a little bed-head to help complete the fantasy, dude). His reaction when she came out was priceless and I loved how the camera would go from the two of them snuggling on his balcony to Michelle chatting Emily’s ear off as Emily tries not to laugh about how egotistical Chantal is and that Brad is probably having the worst date of his life.
Clearly Michelle couldn’t have been more wrong, despite her hopes prior to their date “all I can do is be patient and hope Chantal gets attacked by monkeys”. And speaking of monkeys, did anyone else think Brad was actually going to spank his when he excused himself in his room after Chantal came out in the shirt? I did.
Rise and Shine, it’s group date time!
Once again, there is a harness involved, as Brad leads the ladies to the top of the waterfall and once again Michelle is angry at Brad. At this point I’m thinking, this is where guys become really stupid. If you are just barely dating a girl and she is already angry at you every time you see her and ‘in a fight’ with you, (not to mention borderline physically abusive), isn’t this about the time good ol’ Jiminy Cricket should be stomping on your shoulder saying, Get out!!!! High maintenance alert!!!!
Michelle as usual is in fine form, shooting daggers at all the girls, sulking in a corner and of course, her nicest moment of the day, telling poor Jewish Jackie to look down and then laughing at her just as she’s about to take the plunge. I don’t know about you, but hers and Brad’s ‘pact’ not to repel with anyone else ever again, seems to me to be about as legally binding as a BFFAEAEAE signature on a note passed in seventh grade. Of course, in her true Jekyll Hyde form, Michelle stops punching him and lets out a squeal of delight when she finds out that Brad is going to repel with her. All seems to be forgiven, for the moment.
Onto the hot-springs, where it’s Abra Cadabra Bikini Time within seconds!
The funniest part of that date had to be when Alli’s scream over the beetle could literally be heard on the group date. I actually gasped when she THREW A GLASS OF WINE at Chantal that proceeded to break all over the place just from seeing the beetle. Just to clarify though, I’m not judging her. I am equally grossed out by bugs and have been known to act irrationally in similar circumstances. So I totally get it. It’s just funny.
And speaking of Alli, could she have been shafted anymore on her one-on-one??? When your date uses the words ‘fear’ and ‘anxiety’ to describe the outing you’re about to have, you know you’re in for a good time, right? I mean think about it. The week before, Shawntel is prancing around Vegas buying out Fendi and the next week Alli is stuck in a freezing cave surrounded by bats and spiders, having a picnic on a slimy ground without even a hand job blanket to keep her warm. Really??? And did I miss the amazing altar part? They seemed to be impressed by what they eventually saw, but all I saw was more darkness and slime. And I don’t even want to think about how many bat feces had fallen into their food before they got there. That date would literally be my worst nightmare. That and shark diving.
The set-up of their dinner on that giant lily pad or whatever it was seemed cool. Do you think the producers saw it was going nowhere and were like’ Alright boys, let’s sink em!’
So after Brad sends Alli packing (do you think she had to go back through the cave???), Little Miss Psycho comes to visit. Did anyone else think he must have been wearing high heels based on how loud his shoes were as he went to answer the door for Michelle?
Of course, within minutes Michelle is hitting Brad and bad-mouthing the other girls or namely Chantal. It is so pathetically obvious to me that the only reason Chantal is constantly the source of Michelle’s criticism is because she is seemingly the only real competition (maybe other than Emily). Can Brad not see this??? Why is she still here?
At the cocktail party, we start to see Michelle crumble (oh joy!) and the truth starts to come out as she realizes she is close to getting the boot. She longer says she wants Brad, she tells the camera ‘I want someone like Brad. Only time will tell if she’ll get her wish. Can you imagine if she was the next Bachelorette? I would love to see a bunch of guys falling all over themselves trying to keep up with her mind games.
Ah, Jewish Jackie, you sabbath queen you. We all knew it wasn’t meant to be (and honestly what would your parents say if you brought home a goyisha Texan??? Oy Vey! There’s always the next Matzah Ball on Christmas Eve – we’ll pray for you!
For the record, I think the following is the order for the elimination of the remaining contestants (unless Michelle just goes totally insane next week, I still think she’ll last a few more):
Brit (CAN’T believe she is still here)
I’m really not sure where Morticia fits in here. She could either be somewhere between Michelle and Ashley or the surprising underdog that gets close to the end. Thoughts? Either way, that whole quiet game thing? Not so much.