BACHELOR BRAD – EPISODE 5

Sorry about last week, peeps. 

Back with a bang.  Husband still out of town.  Baby no longer puking out of both ends.  Order is somewhat restored.

First couple things I noticed right off the bat were 1) Does Chris Harrison think he’s Cam from Modern Family with his turned-back floral cuffs?  And more importantly 2) There is a god!  Michelle has adult acne – hooray!!!

We all know that every season it’s part of the Bachelor formula to add at least one crazy chick (preferably hot) to stir things up, but I gotta say, this season, they really put some extra effort into it.  Not only is Michelle smokin’ hot to the point that she’s often painful to look at, and not only is she by far one of the most possessive, jealous contestants on the show, but she’s got some funny to her.  And I like that.  My two favourite lines this week had to be ‘I need more girls to go home to make room for my luggage’ (she probably has a whole suitcase full of different personalities she has to lug around which I imagine is quite exhausting) and ‘I am fun and hot and you should see me in a race car’.  Her physical comedy is also quite amusing.  I especially liked when she actually showed her claws and made an evil cat sound (is there any other kind?) to the girls as she kidnapped Brad on the group date in that weirdly terrifying/erotic scene.  I am so damn excited for the day he kicks her off.

 How many of you watching at home literally had your mouths hanging open when he revealed the unlimited budget shopping spree on his date with Morticia?  None of you?  Really?  Oh…um…me neither…this was one of those moments when the phrase O M G could really have its day in the spotlight.  O M G.

 Some comments on the clothing:

a)       Brad, the purple blazer?  Not so much.

b)      The feathery top?  Not so much.

c)       The grey Fendi dress?  So much nicer than the black one you chose.

d)      The Fendi purse?  Didn’t love it.  And for 5 K, I could’ve done better.

e)      The shoes?  Wow, those lasted a whole one minute.  Brad picked her up and she was wearing them and then they took the elevator to the roof of the hotel and she emerged in flip flops with the heels nowhere in sight (and they definitely could not fit in that purse!)  I guess comfort wasn’t really a factor in their design.  Either that or they had gotten their share of product placement and Fendi security stopped Morticia in her tracks to retrieve them and take them back to the store.  And speaking of product placement, does anyone know if Lululemon is paying Michelle directly for her endorsements every week?

 Morticia…I like you…sort of…I think you’re ‘kind of’ normal?  I think you went into just a little too much detail about the embalming process (this isn’t Grey’s Anatomy) for Brad’s taste.  But I would like to congratulate Brad for his first funny line of the season when she said ‘I’m gonna eat while I talk’ and he said ‘Well, that makes one of us’.  Great work, Brad, it only took you five episodes to prove you are not entirely void of any character and can, no doubt about it, say things other than ‘no doubt about it.’

 Honestly, if I were Morticia, and didn’t get the rose, I’d be like ‘See ya!  Who could be upset with a plush pile of designer clothes to fall back on?

 From the remainder of the episode onwards, I’ll admit I cried.  I cried A LOT.  Basically through the whole Emily date episode, I was sobbing (and very proud of how Brad handled the whole situation, let’s just admit it, he’s a nice guy).  Like SOBBING.  Uch and when she said the first few laps were for Ricki and the last one was for her, forget about it.  She had me at hello.

 I was pretty appalled by how insensitive some of the girls were being about the situation (I actually felt bad for Brad).  Alli was a real gem.  ‘We’ve all been through stuff’, she says…yes, true, but have we all been taken to the racetrack where our dead fiancée’s driving career ended in a crash, right before he was killed in a plane crash leaving his pregnant fiancée to pick up the pieces?  And have we all had to come to terms with this without any warning on national TV on a group date?  No, Alli, we haven’t so shut the fuck up.

 And when Ashley and Ashley were chosen to go on their date together, I shed a tear too.  Imagine yourself in that situation with your Bachelorette house Bestie??!!!  Shame 😦

 Was anyone else super-jealous when the Ashley’s got to do the high wire act???  OMG I have always wanted to do that, I swear in another life I could have been a circus performer.  When Brad admitted he was a huge Cirque de Soleil fan, I’m thinking, uh…not the kind of thing you really need to reveal to the ladies.  But then I was completely distracted by their rehearsal and Brad in that harness.  I mean I’ve heard of the camera adding ten pounds but Jesus, how many inches???  Whoa there, cowboy!!!

 Onwards…so Brad has his little chat with his shrink, where he seems to really be taking it in with his well-thought-out responses of ‘Right’ and ‘uh-huh’ over and over again.  As soon as I am done posting this, I am going straight to a printing shop to have ‘Strength and vulnerability can co-exist’ put onto a bumper sticker.  Does anyone else need one?  Let me know ;).  I’m also going to grab a few ‘We Want Mashiach Now’ ones…because that must be what’s holding him up, right?  Not enough bumper stickers…anyways…

 Ok so the cocktail party…Chantal’s dress was the least hot, hot mess I have ever seen. I don’t know which was worse…the mesh, the weird design accentuating her huge bosom…what a train wreck.

 I felt bad for Marissa, especially after she really put it out there with her hand written BBM’s.  I know in her interview at the end, she said she was questioning everything, but honestly, I was just questioning her nail polish.  I still don’t know when her or that other chick got there, so no loss I guess.  Next week, for sure Alli is getting the boot and I fear Jewish Jackie’s days are numbered as well.  I keep wondering what the deal is with Britt and how she has managed to squeak by every episode.  Now I’m wondering where the hell she got that Pippi Longstocking hair!!!  Seriously, didn’t she have short hair all this time???

 Finally, I may not be the most well-informed chick about certain news, politics, the economy, etc.  But I have to say, it’s a sad reflection of financial crisis when the Bachelorettes have to be sent home in taxis instead of limos.  A sad day indeed.

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