BACHELOR BRAD – EPISODE 2

Quick quick quick.

I heart this show.  I will never deny my feelings for it again.  There’s just no point.  Like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to it.  It completes me.  Okay that is clearly one step too far.  It does not complete me.  But I heart it.  And there we are, full circle.

So much to mock, so little time.  There are few general statements I have to comment on. 

First:  Maybe it’s because home décor, HGTV, etc. has basically become as addictive as crack to me but I can’t help but notice over and over again how horrifically beyond repulsive the décor is in the house.  Every room is more of a tacky hot mess than the last.  The floral curtains with the gold tassles?  The royal blue shiny accent wall?  The random wall-mounted faux flowers?  Can someone get this house a makeover?  It’s actually insulting.  For those of you that are HGTV whores like me out there, take a look next time – you’ll be downright appalled.

Second:  I think we can all agree that awkward reality TV kissing is beyond gross.  I have to say that so far, both Brad’s kisses with first date girl (Ashley?) and Jewish Jackie were, in my opinion, the least repulsive so far of any other seasons past.  Anyone with me?

Third:  I’m worried about Brad.  I feel like he is OD’ing on introspection.  You can almost see his wheels turning with every word he exchanges with these girls.  He is going to end up with feelings for every single one of them.  And I am going to laugh when that happens.

Okay that’s that.  Now…

Let’s just cut to the chase.  Could it be?  Is there a girl on this show who is crazier than Elizabeth?????  All signs point to…yes!!!!  Hooray, hooray hooray for Michelle and the psycho she brings to the table.  First of all, get over your friggin’ birthday, what are you, five?  Did you want a bouncy castle or something?  And while we’re on the subject, is anyone else surprised that she was only turning thirty?  I thought she was one of the cougar contestants, like pushing 40?  No?  I guess living in a tanning bed and plastic surgery addiction can add a few years, eh?  Oh well, either way she gets less hot with every demonstration of cuckoo she reveals (don’t get me wrong, I’d still do her, but just sayin’…).  I think I actually shivered a bit when Brad offered her the rose in the pool and she slowly swam towards it (Jaws music playing faintly in the background).  And when she did that slow motion mambo in the water while managing to stare down every other girl watching her silently, well that pretty much sealed the deal for me.  This girl is F’D.

Was anyone else super-jealous when Brad said that Jewish Jackie gets to relive the pretty woman experience?  I swear I could watch that shopping scene a million times and never get tired.  Sigh, what a movie.  And was anyone else totally disappointed by her dress choice?  What are you, Bubbie of the groom?

Funny to watch Brad do the math as they discussed her past relationships on their date…I don’t know if he missed something but it was very kind of him to frame it as ‘you must have made a conscious decision not to date anyone through all those years’ when in reality it’s probably more like other people making a conscious decision not to date her.  It’s pretty clear that she felt as out of place in high school as leather shoes and toothpaste on Yom Kippur (I am SORRY but I don’t understand how halitosis helps you repent for your sins!  Just brush ‘em dammit!).  But, I digress.  I still like her.  She’s cute and real and nice.  We’ll see.

And speaking of the ‘real’ girls, the only thing not real about Single Mom Barbie (Widow Barbie is too mean to use…funnier yes, but too mean) is her teeth.  Love her, don’t love the Baroque tablecloth she wore to the rose ceremony.

I was taken aback by the amount of makeup these girls put on first thing in the morning.  I mean, I get that you’re on TV, but some of these ladies are just cakin’ it on like I’ve never seen – do you really need a smoky eye for a day by the pool when you weren’t even chosen for a date?  Then there’s Melissa (honey a bit of Chapstick wouldn’t kill you) whose skin was a nice shade of gray pretty much the whole episode – mind you it was a nice distraction from her cavernous Donna Martin-like implants. 

So much to say about Melissa.  She basically admitted to selling her soul to be on the show (quit her job, spent her life savings on gowns, etc.)  If I were you Meliss, I’d be asking Satan for a refund cuz that little frock last night didn’t really do much for you (oh and also you’re psychotic maybe that’s why you were let go).  My favourite Melissa moment of the night by far, was when she (assumingly drank truth serum) and started blurting out random things to Brad as she’s bawling “Whaaa whaaa everyone hates me (I had onions on my pizza) I’m being targeted by the mean girls (I had four slices) whhaaaa whaaaa (I’m albino…whaaa”).

Baby waking up so…I’ll end saying it was nice to see that real girls aren’t the only ones who let themselves go when they get a boyfriend, but also reality TV stars.  Could Alli have looked worse if she tried?  Freshman 15 much?  And did she get a nose job to make her nose bigger?  Or maybe it was that grotesque haircut that just accentuated it?  Great to see her and Roberto dolling out relationship advice in exchange for another Bachelor paycheck.  Shouldn’t be long now before we hear of their official break-up.

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