A Bird’s Eye View of Bachelor Pad 2

Since we were spared two hours of Ashley last night, I felt rejuvenated enough to blog regardless, this time on something we’re all totally excited for – the social experiment that is Bachelor Pad 2.  I have mixed emotions about Season 1, which you can read all about here.  Obviously we all had extremely high hopes for the entertainment the season would bring, and for the most part it delivered.  Some couples emerged (Tenley and Kiptyn who are still together, BTW), Gia and Wes (WTF) and Jesse and Elizabeth (LOL, for lack of a better acronym).

But, onwards and upwards.  I’ve had a chance to examine the cast, and while there are definitely some duds (they can’t all be the scandal-whores we want them to be), overall the season looks promising.  Don’t forget to set those PVRs for Monday August 8th when it premieres – hooray!!!

There’s something deeply, disturbingly incestuous about the ‘Bachelor family’, as they like to call themselves.  In so many interviews with past contestants, they always refer to the Bachelor family and how until you’re in it, you just don’t understand what it’s like.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen the goings on in those rickety bunk beds and that is not how I behave with my cousins.  This season we have not one but two ex couples.  First we have previously engaged couple Holly (don’t remember her too much) and Michael (the break-dancing  cutie from Jillian’s season with a twin brother who is now engaged to my least favourite cast member of all time, Deanna Pappas, former Bachelorette and Bachelor contestant).  We also have the most controversial exes in Bachelor history – Vienna and Jake.  I can only imagine how those two will duke it out and the malicious ways in which Jake will try to turn cast mates against her while secretly wishing that his fantasy man Ryan, from the current Bachelorette season were there to comfort him.

Here’s a deeper dive into the pool of pathetic cast members that I promise to love, honour and cherish for the duration of the season:

Gia Allemand

Gia.  Shame.  Really?  A second season on the Bachelor Pad?  Seriously, what is wrong with you?  This is like the worst walk of shame ever.  It’s bad enough that you displayed possibly the poorest judgement of all time, by a) being interested in Jake on his season in the first place, followed by b) falling for Wes on the Bachelor Pad and then getting dumped by Wes as he hooked up with Vienna.  Now you’ve come back for more…are you just bored?  I don’t get it.  You’re absolutely drop dead gorgeous, seemingly sweet – why are you single?  Is there a secret penis tucked into that swimsuit model body that we don’t know about?  I’d like to think that being on BP last time and the subsequent heart-ache you’ve suffered as a result has taught you a few things, but let’s face it – you’ll probably hook up with Jake in episode one and we’ll watch your battered wife syndrome emerge throughout the season.  Oh well. You’re hot.

Justin Rego

Justin “Rated R” – proud to see some home-grown talent making their way to the Pad, even if it is just Justin.  Remember how he literally ran away from the cameras when it was discovered that he had a girlfriend in TO.  Like literally ran through bushes to avoid confrontation on camera?  Let’s see how he fares this time around.  Will he break his leg again?  Will he be bullied by the other guys in the house like last time?  Or will he form a long lasting bond with a new lady friend?  Let’s just hope rated R stands for something on this show.  I didn’t come here for any PG business.

Holly Durst

Holly – Again, can’t really remember her so she must not have been that exciting.  Chris Harrison’s blog tells us that she brought her own spray tanning machine to the house and also that she’s a children’s book author – she sounds extremely complex.  As a wanna-be writer, I was naturally curious about her book credibility so I took the liberty of looking her up, both on amazon.com as well as Canadian standby Indigo and guess what?  Nada.  Not saying she doesn’t write children’s books.  Just saying no one reads them.  .  .  This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t expect good things from her.  Her ex-fiancee, Michael Stagliano, who happens to be a total cutie with an actual sense of humour is also housing it up and of course it won’t be awkward at all to be shacking up with your ex while trying to get it on with a boatload of new guys.

Graham Bunn

Graham  –  mmm…he was easy on the eyes, ladies, now wasn’t he?  I remember him not having much to say about anything in particular, but does it matter?  He’s hot.  And he has great taste in women.  I know this because he decided Deanna Pappas wasn’t worth his time on her season of The Bachelorette.  Smart boy.

Vienna Girardi

Vienna.  Oh Dear.   Where to begin?  This season, Vienna will be sporting a hugely unflattering bob which takes her from Daddy’s Li’l Trailer Trash to soccer mom with a few easy snips.  There’s no end in sight to the amount we can rip on Vienna, but hasn’t the poor girl suffered enough?  She was with Jake after all, and I’m sure none of us will ever forget the tense reunion on the couch where Jake basically belittled and did all but actually hit her on camera as we watched in horror. I do clearly remember her crying that all she wanted after the finale where Jake picked her was to move to LA and live the quiet life of a housewife and that Jake was a closet fame whore (among other things) and it’s not what she signed up for.  Interesting how she changed her mind and signed up to do Bachelor Pad.  And can we discuss for a second the elephant in the room of her new boyfriend Kasey Kahl???  Oh, you don’t remember Kasey?  Does this help?  Mr. Guard and Protect Your Heart?  That’s right, peeps.  Hot Bachelor Pad Couple Alert (puke)!  Vienna and Kasey have actually been together for a while and are coming to the Pad as a solid (?) team.

Kasey Kahl

Which brings us to Kasey.  I suggest you just hold onto those implants for dear life, dude, cuz Vienna is going to take you for one wild ride.  I can’t even imagine the level of annoyance the two together (or separately) will cause in the house, but I do know for sure that we will love it.   It’s actually sad, because if Kasey doesn’t speak at all, he’s actually not a bad looking dude.  But then you hear that garden gnome voice escape his body and catch a glimpse of that tatoo and it all goes downhill.  Let’s see if this season Kasey can put his money where his tattoo is and do some guarding and protecting of Vienna.  With Jake ‘Ike Turner’ Pavelka in the house, Vienna might need some protection of the non-latex variety.

Alli Travis

Alli – I can’t remember too much about Alli.  I do remember that the poor thing threw a glass of wine and broke it when she got ‘attacked’ by a beetle, she had a uni-boob for the duration of Brad’s season and she was unfortunate enough to be chosen to go on the worst one-on-one date of all time.  A panic-attack inducing cave hike, where she was forced to rest at one point and enjoy a ‘picnic’ in a dingy, slimy cave without even a hand job blanket to keep her warm.  Then she was given the boot by Brad as they floated through an awkward dinner in the middle of a pond.  Regardless, she was nice girl and it will be sad to watch her get eaten alive by these other bitches in the house.

Michael Stagliano

Michael Stagliano.  Again, the break-dancing cutie from Jillian’s season who was a bit too immature.  The fact that a successful relationship with him means you could potentially have to listen to Deanna’s voice at family gatherings for the rest of your life is a definite negative, but he seems like good times regardless.

Erica Rose

Erica Rose.  Love this girl.  Does anyone remember her?  She was on the (horribly unattractive) Prince Lorenzo’s season.  She has her own tiara line, dresses like a school girl, flaunts her muffin top with pride, and has perfected the drawl of a spoiled little rich girl.  I actually saw an episode of Dr. Phil during the good old days of mat leave when I PVR’d various talk shows and had time to watch them.  Dr. Phil made her go work for Kelly Cutrone for a week to see if Kelly could whip her into shape.  That was good times.  At that time, she openly admitted then that she’s currently doing anything in her power to get her own reality show…here’s hopin’ Erica!  I think it will be VERY interesting to see her and Michelle Money go head to head this season.  That’s right, people.  Michelle Money.  You heard it here first (well, probably not).  Not sure the BP house is big enough to accommodate both of those egos.

Jake Pavelka

Jake Pavelka.  Ew.  Surprise, surprise.  Mr. ‘I’m not in it for the fame but have now had two seasons in the Bachelor franchise and one season of dancing with the Stars followed by Bachelor Pad’…does anyone know if the BP house is big enough to accommodate Vienna’s restraining order?  Jake, you’re gross.

Ella Nolan

Ella…shame…I think she was the single mom on Brad’s season, right?  Either way, like I told poor Gwen on last season’s Bachelor Pad, sorry hun, the auditions for Cougar’s Den are down the hall.  First to go, much?

Jackie Gordon (said in a New York accent)

Jewish Jackie – Mazel Tov!  You’re back in the game!  Oy, I’m kvelling!  Maybe Jackie will learn that it isn’t always important to be the nice Jewish girl her parents raised her to be.  We certainly saw her feisty side come out in After The Final Rose and the Women Tell All, Keep practicing that side flip, sweetheart and make us proud.

Michelle Money

Michelle Money.  How do we remember thee, Michelle?  Let us count the ways.  You punched yourself in the face to give yourself a black eye.  You had a tantrum because you didn’t get a birthday party.  You are beyond psychotic.  You most recently penetrated the current season of The Bachelorette by being ‘a good friend’ and letting Ashley in on who the Real Bentley is.  You claim to have only gone on the Bachelor for the sake of finding love to give your daughter the stability she needs.  Curious as to how you’ll justify going on BP.  Are you teaching her how to channel her inner slut?  Good job, Mommy.  Does anyone else think that in about 18 years, we will all be watching Brielle and Cozy’s (Bentley’s daughter) reality show?  If we are, and I’m blogging about it, can someone promise to shoot me?

Michelle, you are so hot, you get a second paragraph.  Even when you sit, you have no rolls.  I’m a bit sensitive as I write this since I’ve officially packed on the inevitable Freshman 5 since returning to work from mat leave just over three months ago.  What do you expect when you go from chasing the kids all day and eating their leftover cheese strings as lunch, to parking myself at a desk about nine hours a day just waiting for the next calendar reminder to pop up telling me it’s someone’s birthday that I just have to go have cake for (well, I don’t want to be rude do I???)  By the time this season airs, I’m sure I’ll be up to 15 and in a full-on depression.  Thanks Michelle.  Great timing.  I hate you.  I love you.

Kirk Dewindt

Kirk – A very recent cast off from Ashley’s season…we saw a bit of Kirk’s inner jackass come through on his last episode where he got all defensive and angry with Ashley about the whole Bentley thing.  He seems like he’d be kind of a dick as a boyfriend and he’s not good-looking enough for me to let that slide right now.  Sorry, Kirk.  You’re gonna have to win me over.

Melissa Schreiber

Melissa – Oh lord.  The truth-serum drinking psycho (I ate onions!  I had four slices of pizza!) who claimed that every single girl had it in for her on Brad’s season and it was the girls who were the obstacle for her love connection with Brad.  That or the endless stream of snot cleaving to her nostrils.  It will be sad to watch her no doubt be a complete outcast on this season too.  Those girls will chew her up and spit out her scrawny bones.

William Holman

William –Um, wait a second, aren’t you supposed to be under your covers waiting to die?   Or was it a black hole?  Apparently, it’s the Bachelor Pad.  Can’t wait to see you push your deep depression to the side long enough to make inappropriate, unfunny jokes.   Be strong, William.  If this doesn’t work you can always go back to your fulfilling career of selling cell phones.

Blake Julian

Blake.  Meh.  Didn’t have much to say about you this go around, probably won’t have much more to say next season either.

And last but not least…the mystery cast member…one more guy from Ashley’s season (rumour has it, it’s Ames.)  It’ll be interesting to see how he behaves in this setting.  Will he still be the nice guy, or will he suddenly start wooing the ladies with his lazy eye and erect…posture…

I’m already thinking ahead to Bachelor Pad three – I can hear the virtual crowd cheering Bentley, Bentley, Bentley!  Can you imagine?

Next week, it’s back to reality with this season’s Bachelorette Ashley (do we have to???).  This blog may come a bit later in the day as the cottage calls and I’ll have to basically canoe into the middle of the lake with my laptop to find a signal, but never fear, I will not disappoint (hopefully!)

And…out.

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4 thoughts on “A Bird’s Eye View of Bachelor Pad 2

  1. How dare you attack my gorgeous, beautiful, kind, intelligent sis. Yes, she was screwed over on the pad, but until you get what they throw at the girls (they ask their biggest fear before the show.. My sis fears bugs and creepy flying objects…hence why that was her dates). Never refer to her as ‘poor little girl’ as she is prob stronger than you’ll ever be. You’re job is to judge people and that’s sad…bc you never meet them, create a bogus, idiotic image in YOUR mind then blast false to your followers…you’re Lucky you have any. Don’t worry, ohio will now know as well as all my fb friends to NOT follow you. My sister is the best. Take care of your insecurities so you stop putting down others for attention, you look like a b-word. You’re welcome,
    Sera

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