Reality Bytes

I set two goals for myself before last night’s finale began.  Do not feel bad for Courtney by the time this is all over and do not snack.  Wine obviously not included.

I’m proud to say that I accomplished both of my goals.  Yes, of course there were moments when I felt a twinge of guilt over my harsh refusal to potentially see Courtney’s side of things – how she’s been victimized by the tabloids, how her family may have suffered, how alone she must have felt when Ben couldn’t take the heat and ditched her ass, but always, I came back to the fact that she put herself in this position.  She created her own destiny by being a mean girl in the public eye.  If Courtney had a zit on her oily forehead for every time she said or did something evil…oh wait.  She does.

And with that, we wrap up Bachelor Ben’s season.  I remember like it was just yesterday, getting reacquainted with Ben as he began his ‘journey’.  Watching him dry hump the streets of Sonoma, his real true love, watching him tongue various girls within days or even minutes of starting the season, watching some of the girls completely unravel to the point where they were practically carted off to mental health facilities straight from the bachelor house (okay fine, just Jenna), watching him reserve his own unique condescending tone to give several girls warnings as they attempted to burst the Courtney bubble.  And finally, watching him make his stupidity official by getting down on one knee to propose to whom I can only assume will be the next Access Hollywood reporter.  Isn’t that why people go on these shows anyways?  I mean honestly Ben, what’s Zermat-ter with you???(sorry had to do it).

Let’s just say right off the bat it’s absolutely no surprise that he picked her.  We all knew it was coming and we were powerless to stop it.  Never has a bachelor or bachelorette’s choice been as obvious as it has this season, both on and off the show.  In fact, so obvious was it that I found myself getting really impatient about having to sit through two family visits and two final dates, slightly panicking because of how early I have to get up to write this for all y’all and how friggin’ tired I am because of daylight savings. A hot mess is what I am.

The minute the show began I just felt bad for Lindzi.  One, because of the unfortunate moment the world’s largest zit chose to attack her chin (that zit alone could be held responsible for her ultimate demise) and two, because we all knew she was fighting a losing battle and she’s just so awesome.  The opening montage showed the girls enjoying the serenity of Switzerland as they ponder if they’ll be the “lucky” one chosen.  Clearly some damage control is already in effect as Courtney is shown petting a stray kitty and staring into the sun with a calm peaceful look, rather than a cold calculating one.  Even this early in the game, Ben’s voiceover tells us that he’s finally found true love with Courtney.  Um, Spoiler Alert, much???

So we meet Ben’s sister and mom with a tearful reunion (obviously myself included).  Ben’s sister (Julia’s) mane seems a tad overdone – at least from the front.  At the back you can see where she clearly missed several sections with her flat iron.  Could this mean that Ben’s family doesn’t have access to the same ‘amazing’ stylists the other girls have?

So his mom and sister, fresh out of the woods from their way to Grandmother’s House with a basket of bread, take a seat and get right down to business.  Here’s where it’s clear that the producers have handed them a list of questions to ask.  Julia says she wants to learn more about these girls and why they might love Ben.  Ben gives her a line or two about ‘needing more time’ with Lindzi (really?  You’ve known her seven whole weeks, or however long it is.  Isn’t that enough time to marry someone???) Then she jumps in with the question, ‘so, is there a girl who just so happened to not be liked by the other girls?’  Funny you should ask, thinks Ben.  “Uh…yeah…” he replies.  “She’s still here.”

Julia proclaims she’s going to get to the bottom of this as she doesn’t usually approve of the girls he dates.  Really?  You seem like such a happy person!  As monotonous as I find Julia’s voice, and weird I find the fact that the rest of her body is hidden by about fourteen turtlenecks and little Red Riding Hood’s cape, I feel like, ‘okay.  Julia is our ace in the hole.  She’ll make Ben see what Courtney’s all about.  Yeah right.

So Lindzi arrives and the good news is, someone found the poor girl a coat to wear.  As usual, she lights up the room with her warm demeanor and winning smile (despite the ginormous zit – or is that a molé molé a la Austin Powers and if so how have I not noticed it before???)

She settles down to win the family over and before long she’s patting herself on the back for riding up on a horse the night she met Ben, actually informing his mom and sister that it was ‘so cool’ of her to do that.  Shame.  Though she does look adorable in a riding hat and an evening gown, I’m not sure I’d go so far as to say that intro was ‘so cool’.

Then they move over to dinner where I can’t say I’m surprised that Lindzi has completely forgotten how to use cutlery.  After all, it’s the first meal anyone is actually expected to eat on the show.

The evening ends off with Julia grilling Lindzi for one minute about the feelings for Ben and telling her she needs to step it up on her last date (what’s she suggesting, anal?) and then settling in to get the dirt on Courtney.  An interesting twist, indeed.  Usually the final two don’t refer to each other at all in those final moments.  Julia is clearly going for the jugular and I like it.  Lindzi kept it classy and didn’t throw Courtney under the bus but tactfully alluded to Courtney’s ‘issues’.  I would have gone a bit further with it, but oh well.  Not like she really has a chance either way.

As the family bids Linzi goodbye and has a quick post game wrap-up, you can see Ben is blatantly disappointed when Julia says she liked Lindzi.  What did you expect, Ben?  He stresses over what he’ll do if The C Word doesn’t get a ringing endorsement from the family, especially after they find out she’s a model (which apparently in Julia’s world is one life-choice shy of being a child molester).  I know what you’ll do, Ben!  Pick me!  Pick me!  Here’s what you’ll do.  You’ll pick her anyways.  Because you have ignored every shred of evidence against her since the show began and every warning, on and off camera.  That’s what you’ll do.

Bright and early the next morning, it’s Courtney’s turn.  She baby voices her way over to Ben, promising to be on her best behavior.  He is clearly giddy with excitement, but borderline BIMming (barfing in mouth) over the fact that his sister might just hate her.

Intros are barely out of the way, when the conversation of course leads to Courtney being the bitch of the house and she once again feeds us the line that she tried her hardest to get to know the girls, that everyone was so mean to her, that some of them wouldn’t even talk to her and she just tried to stay focused on the man she loved.  Julia, in an interesting choice of headwear, decides she’ll ‘never know what happened and she’ll just have to take Courtney’s word for it’.  Um, actually, you will know.  You’ll see it.  And you’ll be ashamed.  That’s the beauty of this thing called TV.

When Julia informs Ben that Courtney blew her away, clearly has depth and that she’s a perfect fit for him, I don’t know about you, but I think I heard a collective “Dude!!!” around my neighborhood.  Are you kidding me?  Bet you’ll be singing a different tune when Courtney’s ’winning’ all over your prime time screen on Monday nights.

Moving onto the final dates, which again, just make me feel sad because I know we’re getting closer to Lindzi’s broken heart.  Ben picks Lindzi up in a horse-drawn carriage, bringing the whole experience full circle and takes her skiing – amazing.  At least he didn’t ask her to jump off the mountain this time around.  Of course the private gondola has a lush little hand job blanket for them to cozy up to and a fondue pot which I can only assume is full of congealing cheese, because let’s face it, they ain’t eating.

Later that night, as they hover around what I’m pretty sure is a plate full of assorted cheesecakes (pretty much all I can think about from that point on), she tells him it’s only going to get better and verbal diarrheas her way onto the balcony.  ‘Oh really?’ he says, because really he’s contractually obligated to say not much else.  He has pretty much spent the second half of the season acting surprised by what everyone says and phrasing everything in the form of a question so he doesn’t have to actually share his own thoughts.  She knocks it out of the park with ‘I want to tell you something and I don’t want you to answer back’ and drops the L bomb.   His response?  ‘It’s good!’  Dude, she just told you she loves you.  You didn’t just try a new kind of Aioli and are pleasantly surprised by a hit of curry.  It’s good???  And with that, Lindzi puts her fate in Ben’s hands (or should I say Fozzie Bear’s hands, because the more nervous he gets the more he sounds like a Muppet).

Ok I really need to move on.  It’s not my intention for people to have to sneak reading this at work at different points throughout the day to get through it.  Ideally, I’d like you to be able to read it in one shot.  For those of you not working – F you.

Courtney and Ben’s date begins with – what else – a helicopter ride.  She tells Ben she thinks of him first thing in the morning and last thing at night, reminds him of her trust issues and any other cliché she can think of to convince him she’s capable of true feelings.  I don’t know why she bothers.  She could tell him she’s going to kill his family and he’d be like ‘that’s not the Courtney I know!  Silly girl!’

Funny that they spend part of their date discussing how terrible it’s going to be in public if he chooses her and I spend part of their date holding back vomit as he tells her she’s supposed to kiss the chef.  They finish off their date with a sled ride on a hill that my four year old would laugh at (it’s barely a slope) and barrel towards a small pool of ice – is this a metaphor for Ben plunging his way into Courtney’s heart? 

In the evening, Courtney reveals the dreaded arts and crafts project in some pretty random wrapping paper and it becomes painfully obvious as their relationship memories consists of ‘oh here’s us yesterday and the day before…’   Even when she reads her thoughtfully-crafted letter, she recites it in up-speak?  Which makes me want to beat myself?  Is she just that inarticulate or are the words on the page as much of a surprise to her as they are to all of us?  See how annoying that is?

Then the moment of awkwardness sets in when she isn’t feeling the love from Ben and she starts back-pedaling to save face, just in case he doesn’t pick her.  Once again, she tries to talk about how defensive she needed to be and Ben quickly dismisses any notions of negativity relating to her all season so as not to cloud his stellar judgment.

Ben leaves, Courtney shares the obligatory tear to demonstrate her first foray into human emotion and it’s nighty night time.

The next day, Ben has an awkward meeting with Neil Lane (bet he never thought he’d see him twice!) He practically wishes Ben a mazel tov and it’s game time.  Let’s just cut to the chase here. 

While I am confused about the weather (the girls go from winter coats to shorts and a tank top on the balcony) and I’m also confused about what large object has been inserted into Ben’s ass while he walks around town pondering his final choice, nothing could possibly prepare me for the confusion of the final dresses.

It started innocently enough.  I wasn’t in love with Courtney’s black dress lying on the bed.  The fabric sort of looked like one of those 17-dresses-in-one you can buy on the Home Shopping Network and the bling was a bit ‘Bubbie of the bride’ for my taste.  And Lindzi – we all knew one of them would be transforming into a peacock for the final episode based on previews aired all season.  I didn’t expect Lindzi to be the one but the dress wasn’t as bad as Courtney’s.  Though it’s like even her boobs knew the night would end badly, sagging with sadness to her waist.

Then – all of a sudden, we enter some disturbingly, horrible dark fairy tale world where apparently it’s okay for a hobbit to wear a green velvet Christmas Tree Skirt as a coat!  On the one side you’ve got Lindzi looking like the evil witch from Sleeping Beauty who I can only assume is also hiding a reindeer sweater under that heavy drapery and Courtney, looking like some futuristic wanna-be Gwyneth Paltrow.  Is this a joke???  What are these girls wearing???  And the broaches?  Icing on the poison apple cake!!!  Even if they were wearing black pantyhose under those dresses, sad to say that would be the best part of the outfits!  I was utterly, completely stunned.  Please tell me that the show had some sort of agreement with Switzerland tourism and they had to use some unfortunate Swiss designer’s clothing for the finale so they could afford to provide enough cheese for their village.  Am I alone here?  What the hell???  Whoever styled those girls should frankly be shot.

Clearly a lot of thought went into where to have the final rose ceremony.  The producers must have thought they hit the jackpot when they saw that lone tree stump calling out for a rose to be put on it.  Lindzi goes first, walking on grass in heels, which is no easy feat and as per usual, I am trying to telepathically communicate to her to shut the hell up before she humiliates herself further and professes her undying love for him.  Have we learned nothing from past shows people??? 

She asks how he’s feeling and as soon as the word ‘um’ leaves his mouth, you can hear her heart shattering.  The whole thing takes a minute and she keeps her composure rather well.  She tells him that if it doesn’t work out, to give her a call and I think I can actually hear her cell phone ringing by the time she’s back down on solid ground.  Ben, sporting an orangey-fresh spray tan, asks if he can ‘walk her out’ (um, dude, you’re on a mountain) and before we know it she’s gone.  It’s nice that they let her take the helicopter back – I half expected them to send her down the mountain on a billygoat. 

Good lord this is long.  Yada yada yada.  Ben tries the fake-out with Courtney and for a moment I think he’s going to use his head and make her wait the ring out instead of proposing, just to see if he can handle a real relationship with her.  Of course no such luck and he gets down on one knee.  The next moment is full of ‘insincere ‘I love you’s and ‘love ya forever!’ and within seconds, we’re off to After The Final Rose.

I thought the Women Tell All was bad but here’s a room full of (single, bitter)angry women, not to mention a blonde tranny who didn’t quite get to finish his/her makeup job on the way to the show.  Yikes. 

Chris does his best to call Courtney out on the same old things to get an audience reaction and you can hear the faint tsk tsking throughout the episode.  Here’s where you’re supposed to start to feel bad for her, but a) she looks beautiful so it’s easy to keep hating her and b), she continues to use the same old line about having regrets and doing the best with the circumstances she had, completely ignoring the fact that every other girl in the house seemed capable of treating the others with respect and kindness in the exact same circumstances.

Courtney seems completely shattered, utterly abandoned by her MIA fiancée and unaware if she and Ben are even together at all.  Which is weird, because the next thing you know, Ben comes out, looking like he just rolled out of bed after not showering for a week and informs us that they’re happily engaged despite the unemotional pat on the back he gives to Courtney in lieu of a hug.  Interesting.  Perhaps you should have gotten your stories straight before coming on the show.  I’m not surprised that when the going got tough, Ben left Courtney in the dust, (even on Valentine’s Day, no less – not even a carnation???), since he does have a thin layer of asshole underneath that skin (and my ass he didn’t kiss anyone else – did you see those photos???).  He tells the audience that he did listen to them and all the warnings – they just weren’t accurate.  Oh.  That makes sense.

We finish things off with no sign of Lindzi (hopefully she’ll be a bachelorette soon!), a tearful viewing of the proposal where we relive the awkward insincerity of them pledging their love to each other and watch them cry, not for their doomed relationship, not for their own heartbreak, but for how they’ve been chewed up and spit out by America.  The whole ring thing was a bit ridiculous. Somehow it was removed from Courtney’s finger at some point and given to Chris- it doesn’t just magically appear in his pocket.  So what’s with them appearing surprised that he even has it and Ben having to decide what to do with it?  Anticlimactic, nonetheless.

So, that looks like it for Courtney and Ben.  Did he find love?  Unlikely.  Did he enhance his profile thereby probably increasing sales for his wine company?  Most probably.  Did she find love?  Not capable.  Did she enhance her profile and score the cover of several magazines, which after all, is what a model wants at the end of the day, right?  Oh yes she did.  I expect we’ll be hearing about their breakup if not before Emily’s season begins, then perhaps in a tearful copy of Brad and Emily’s public statements made during Ashley’s season last year.  Either way, you know I’ll be there!

Before we go, of course, we’ve got to address Ashley and JP, who are apparently Americas Darlings according to Chris, and burst onto the scene (well she did), weighing 14 pounds and a smile from ear to ear.  It’s clear that they are very happy together even though I personally would have to shoot myself if I were with someone that bubbly.  At least they had their stories straight and both said at the same time that they’ll be getting married within the year.  I think Ashley hit the nail on the head when she said that once this episode is over Courtney and Ben will be able to move on, whatever that means, because it’s true, as much as we despised Ashley for her Bentley issues and for hurting Ben, I don’t think we gave her a second thought once After The Final Rose was over, till we saw her giving Emily Bachelorette Bootcamp a couple weeks ago.  I don’t know what made me more nauseous.  Ashley calling JP her best ‘assessory’ (I can’t stand the mispronunciation of that word), or her verbal diarrhea about her unborn children’s names.

The funniest moment of the whole show probably came when Ashley blurted out the possibility of Chris getting ordained and performing their wedding ceremony.   I could practically see JP Rosenbaum’s  mother sweating over a pot of Matzah Balls asking God where she went wrong.  Pretty sure she’d have something to say about any ministers at your wedding and there’s pretty much no chance of your child being named after Christ.  Just sayin’.

So here we are.  The end of our journey.  This is where I promise myself once again that I will keep writing and there will not be a gaping hole in this blog until May 14^th when Emily beings her journey.  I think it’s only appropriate to end it for now in the same way I’ve ended many before.  Will I get off my lazy wanna-be writer ass and keep blogging?  Only time will tell – so don’t forget to visit!

Let’s be honest here, people.  There isn’t that much to say about The Women Tell All.  Yes, there were moments when I had the pause the TV every three seconds to make sure I captured every last detail of this madness, but there were other times, where my fingers cramped from hovering over my keyboard desperate for inspiration, and alas, it never came.

The Women Tell All, much like After The Final Rose, are clearly designed to prolong the duration of each season and increase any profits that could potentially be incurred from advertisers.  That’s pretty obvious.  They certainly don’t provide the ‘closure’ we all strive for, let alone the actual girls who are on the show.  But yet, where would we be without these extra episodes?  Without the chance to see everyone with their fresh spray tans and brand new boobies, or count the row upon row of cellulite dimples as the girls cease to remember the important detail that if someone diagonally in front of you is being interviewed, your thighs are guaranteed to be taking up what’s left of the screen.    If nothing else, these episodes pay homage to the most wonderful thing to happen to women since jeggings – that’s right.  I’m talking about the nude pump.

The show starts off with a bang as Chris Harrison wastes no time dropping the C Word and reveals that Courtney is in da house.  Immediately, every woman (and the two men) in the audience puts on her ‘oh no you di-INT ‘ face’  and it’s game time.  The fact that they would treat us to this splendid surprise almost makes up for the fact that Bentley and his giant vagina were a no show on After The final Rose on Ashley’s season.  Almost. 

So Chris leads into the Bachelor Pad Three casting party by telling us that hundreds of men and women have come onto the bachelorette. What I wouldn’t give to get my hands on those cue cards he’s reading off of and see which way they’ve spelled ‘come’… I’d put some money on there being a ‘u’ in there somewhere.

From the moment the footage aired, I was completely overwhelmed.  I tried as hard as I could to capture it all but it simply wasn’t possible.  Thank God for Princess Erica, looking rather demure in her all black dress and heaving bosom, for taking the time to offer her colour commentary.  She could be my sidekick.  From Kasey and Lisa P literally eating each other’s faces, to the news that Ali was probably going to give her third or fourth chance at love to the bachelor franchise (I’ve lost count), to Ed being referred to as a bad ass (um…isn’t he an IT consultant?), to Michelle Money telling us that yes, she’s willing to go on Bachelor Pad again (why don’t you just give your daughter up for adoption, you slut), to Ryan attempting to be a nonchalant ‘cool dude’ (note to Ryan:  Saying someone’s shoes ‘rock’ does make you cooler than say, someone who might call the shoes ‘neat’.  However, clearly enunciating the ‘ing’ on the word ‘rocking’ immediately cancels out any said cool factor from your attempt at nonchalant cool dudeiosity).  Sigh.

I think Michael Stagliano was really onto something when he suggested putting Jenna (who appears to have found some comfort in 3 AM visits to the fridge) on Bachelor Pad.  Can you just imagine her strategizing?  Who in their right mind would pair up with her???

By the end of the segment my head was practically spinning.  I couldn’t type anymore and all of a sudden we were transferred to the set of Dirty Dancing and half the people at the reunion party became Baby and Johnny the night they performed at the resort where they caught the Shumackers stealing all the wallets.   

Okay, onto the women.  This is the part where there were big…long…gaps…for me (fine by me, more time to become acquainted with my vino).

We start out by reliving some of the more horrifying moments of the season as Chris Harrison refreshes our memory, such as looking directly at Jaclyn in general and Jamie’s attempt at seduction which unfortunately is forever etched in my mind.  Blakely set the tone right away announcing that she didn’t come here to make friends which seems to be all Samantha needs to go absolutely postal for the first half of the show on Brittney, Blakely and anyone else that dares cross her path. 

I think Brittney said it best when she revealed that her first and foremost reason for leaving the show was because she had no attraction to Ben.  For some reason this lights a fire under Samantha’s ass that can only be tamed when she stops to bite her lower lip in disgust.    

I can only assume that Jenna came to the studio with a doctor’s note asking that she not be spoken directly to throughout the duration of the episode for the sake of her mental stability.  That’s the only possible reason I can think of why Chris Harrison didn’t get into it with her about her brief but memorable stint on the show. 

Shawntel also makes her brief appearance to sit face to face with the girls that cut up every single part of her body, which really, just gave me time to further examine the imperfect features of said girls.  I’m not quite sure how Erica, with her eyes clearly not positioned right next to each other, but terribly askew, announcing to the world that she herself doesn’t have small thighs is supposed to be an olive branch for Shawntel to cling to or how Ilyse, with her neck thirteen shades lighter than her face expects us to believe that she’s rooting for Shawntel.  The whole scenario was confusing, especially the part where Emily throw her hands up in the air – almost letting a boob escape from her miniscule dress – to tell Shawntel that she’s gorgeous and she can get any guy she wants.  Um, really???

It doesn’t take long for the conversation to turn to Courtney and for us to enjoy her most memorable moments on the show.  From the scene where she’s lying on a table, her black pantyhose glowing in the moonlight, to asking Kasie how it tasted coming out of her mouth announcing Courtney getting the one on one and finally the whole scenario with Emily, from refusing to accept her apology, to where Emily gets the boot standing right next to her and Courtney chooses that moment to sniff her rose and give Emily a little smile.  What a knife-twisting biatch.  You know that was done for show, because really, roses don’t even smell good.  You know it’s your natural reaction to smell flowers and let out some sort of audible appreciation for them but next time you do that, really, actually smell them.  Unless you’re talking lavender, or lilac, most flowers smell kinda gross.  I’m not saying I don’t love them and treat myself regularly to them, but not for the smell.  Just sayin’

Onto the truly heartbroken.  Nicki takes the hot seat, wearing a dress I’m pretty sure I’ve seen before on, oh I don’t now, every episode.  She says what we’d expect her to say.  We’re proud of her for getting through it with class and dignity and feel assured that there is a perfect guy out there for her.  Next?  Kasie. 

Nice to see that Kasie has taken the time not only to have a blowdry for tonight’s event, but also to carefully style her sideburns.  Hot. She takes a break from holding Nicki’s hand to relive her meltdown in the car after getting kicked off and acknowledge what we all knew – the moment he met her bible-thumping Daddy, it was all over.

Emily seems to be the only voice of reason that’s actually able to articulate her thoughts, and even when she isn’t, that’s okay, because apparently Monica is the Arsenio Hall of this panel of fine women, just woop- wooping it from the back row, taking breaks only to express her ongoing lust for Blakely.

The prelude to Courtney begins, and Casey S does her best to defend Courtney to the group of angry women.  She’s about as convincing as she was to Chris when she first told him she was over her ex-boyfriend.  If nothing else the interview with Casey S gives us all a chance to reunite us with Jaclyn and her orange chamois – I mean dress.  The producers did a good job of sparing us her face and keeping the camera focused on her spray-tanned, thighs in conjunction with her plummeting neckline and escape boobs. 

Finally Courtney comes out, with pretty horrific posture and walking for a ‘model’ and I really don’t have to say much other than I CALL BULLSHIT.  I do not believe one word that comes out of this girl’s mouth.  Just because you snort some onions before coming on stage and allow yourself to shed one perfect tear, doesn’t mean you’re sorry.  Hard to find lines from a Sex & The City episode or a Bob Marley song to get ya outta this one, ain’t it sister?  I do feel bad for her family and ‘friends’ (aka ex boyfriends she still sleeps with from time to time) because they are fairly innocent in the situation and let’s face it, her mom is a bit ‘fragile’, but really Courtney, as Emily says, you make your bed, you lie in it. 

Finally, Jenna speaks but I can’t remember what she even said because I was so distracted by her one unpolished nail. 

The icing on the cake came at the end, with Ben coming out for a four second interview and tries his best to say the right thing to the panel of worked up women.   “Welcome to my nightmare!”, he says.  Really, dude.  You have no idea.

Poor Jamie gives a last ditch attempt to offer herself to Ben.  If he’s smart, he’ll hold onto her number because it’s only a matter of time before he finds himself single again.  Maybe next time she’ll bring actual blueprints for their first kiss.

Even the bloopers reel was completely unentertaining (though utterly horrifying as we caught a glimpse of Ben’s pasty white skin and rolls pour themself into a saggy loincloth and run through a cornfield – WAY too much naked for me), so I think I’ll end it here.  The big shocker will likely be that he chooses Courtney but doesn’t offer her a ring – which is pretty much what everyone on this show should actually do if they want any chance of success.  It’s pretty obvious who we’re all rooting for next week – even Nicki and Kasie B – the most heartbroken girls in the bunch couldn’t help smiling as they relived Lindzi and Ben’s ‘journey’ together. But we all know, to pull a Courtney and steal lines from a song and claim them as my own personal thoughts – you can’t always get what you want.

Till next week!

p.s. like my page on facebook!  You know you want to  

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Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to Me-EEEE, Happy birthday to me!

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, I have something else I need to get off my chest.  I never thought this would be the forum to express these feelings, and part of me thinks I should just keep them inside forever, but these two worlds have collided now, thanks to a pair of sheer black pantyhose.

The whole black pantyhose business has really been bothering me.  More than pantyhose should ever bother someone, and that includes squeezing yourself into a pair of control top when you’re in your second trimester – which trust me – can bother you a lot (no I’m not currently in my second trimester, but I speak from past experience).  The point is that on several occasions this season, these ladies have chosen to pair sheer black pantyhose with every conceivable dress.  Short, long, bright and colourful, sexy and black, you name it, there they are.  At first I just thought I was trapped in a Robert Palmer concert from the 80s, or maybe the lighting was off and they’re actually opaque tights, but, I’ve come to realize this ‘trend’ has actually made its way back into current fashion. 

I was deep in discussion about this travesty with a colleague who was also perplexed.  So perplexed was she, or maybe was I and she just felt bad for me and this obsession I’ve developed, that she emailed a friend of hers in fashion in New York, who confirmed that yes, it’s true, women everywhere, herself included, are channeling their inner Angela Bower and rocking the sheer black hose with pride.  Then she dropped the bomb which just explains it all.  Kate Middleton. 

So here I am, because I just can’t keep it in any longer.  I’m terribly sorry Duchess of Cambridge (picture me curtseying), but your style SUCKS.  I pretty much think every outfit you wear is boring, frumpy, matchy-matchy and generally speaking, royally (no pun intended) brutal.  You know what I have to say about your wedding gown?  Meh.  That’s what I have to say.  For all I know just writing this is considered an act against the Queen or something and as I post this blog my doorbell will ring and I’ll be carted off and forced to spend the rest of my days drinking tea in a British prison wearing double breasted power suits with shoulder pads.  There must be more of you out there like me.   Grow a pair, people!  Fashion icon my ass. 

Okay.  I feel a lot better getting that off my chest.  Now, onto the task at hand.

I am liking Ben less and less with each episode.  His mild voice is at times whiney, at times condescending, and most times, speaking as if he’s surprised by the very words that escape his mouth.  But any chance to bask in the glow of beautiful Switzerland, I will take.  Looking back fondly on my own backpacking adventures a lifetime ago, Switzerland was at the top of my list.  Of course when I went to Interlaken I stayed at a youth hostel called the Funny Farm, which, let’s just say didn’t exactly have the look and feel of any fantasy suites, but was a ridiculously, insanely good time nonetheless.  Ben hops on the plane to Switzerland with a tiny suitcase and no jacket and the adventure begins.

We are reintroduced to the final three with a brief montage where we bask in the glow of Nicki and Ben’s date in the rain, Lindzi and Ben chilling with her family and Ben telling us that he can totally picture their kids hanging out there (is it wrong that all I can picture when he’s saying this is that his kids will be sitting on Harry Cox’s lap and it makes me squeamish?).  And of course, we review Courtney’s classiest moments, like when she pretends she wants kids though we all know she’s missing that gene, incessantly quotes Charlie Sheen (about as cool as black pantyhose – sorry I really can’t stop) and her diatribe about taking it up the tailpipe. 

Ben starts his fantasy week with Nicki (unfortunately, I’ll have to take back what I said last week about her not gaining weight in the face) and surprise surprise, they go on a helicopter ride.  The actual ride seems particularly awkward – they aren’t really saying much and he isn’t really looking at her.  In fact, the whole episode seemed pretty devoid of eye contact.  Only when they start actually plummeting to their death together does the laughter and conversation start to flow.   As magical and unbelievable as it was to have a picnic perched in the middle of the Alps, it just made me realize how truly ridiculous this show is.  If I were stuck up on one of those mountain tops with one of my besties, I would probably be a full blown lesbian by the time I got back to normal ground.  How could you not fall in love?  And the fact that the helicopter literally had to pick them up from that spot and drop them at another one just so they could shoot them alone together on the peak without the visual distraction of the helicopter there, just forces you to acknowledge how contrived everything really is.  Not that I’ll ever stop watching, but still…Despite the magnificent surroundings, they still have your basic, run of the mill date chatter and cap it off with a ‘yell’ that sounded more like a baby chick hatching, than the resounding echo they were hoping for.  Way to exude that manhood, Ben.

Between their hilltop lunch and their intimate dinner, Ben takes a moment to share his feelings with us privately and I am forced to wonder, during all this time of looking deep into his soul, has our boy forgotten to look into a mirror?  His hair is getting worse and worse by the episode and for someone who’s been gallivanting all over sun-soaked paradise, how can his skin be that shade of grey???

There is nothing more annoying every season than watching the fantasy suite cards arrive and the women pretending not to know what is in that little white envelope.  They haven’t changed the wording once in ten seasons or however many there have been.  I personally know it off by heart and I’m sure most of you do too.  And I find it odd that no matter where they are in the world, the fantasy suite key is always the same antique looking one.  Interesting how the rest of the world’s hospitality industry has progressed to the digital credit card-type hotel room keys yet for some reason, the bachelor and bachelorettes always magically find these vintage versions.

Ben and Nicki (surprise, she said ok to the suite!) make their way up, and Ben tells us how happy he is with her and how much he is starting to love her, yet he says it with a complete lack of emotion.  Nicki uses the opportunity as she should, telling Ben every single thing he would ever want to hear from a woman, from her feelings about his comments about her dad, to how she will nurture him and take care of him forevermore.   I assume the key worked on her chastity belt and with that, their date is done.

The next morning, Lindzi comes frolicking up the pathway, seemingly surprised that it’s cold in the Swiss Alps.  Did she not get the memo about the snow and the mountains?  Nice of Ben to acknowledge she has no jacket yet makes no effort to find a solution for her as he wears his jacket, sweater, scarf and gloves. 

And of course, what a surprise, Ben forces her to face a traumatizing fear (after all, that’s the only way to show someone you like them, right?).  Their ‘repelling’ is pretty anticlimactic.  It isn’t even really repelling at all since they are not even close to touching any sort of mountainside or in any way active participants in the activity – really they are just being lowered.  They just sort of float along talking about how they can’t believe they’re doing this and they basically land in a hot tub when they hit the bottom.   For some reason, Ben is being a bit loose-lipped with us about Lindzi and admits he loves her about three times throughout their date. 

Of course, dinner rolls around (not that any eating is involved) and the conversation jumps from them taking turns patting themselves on the back for being vulnerable to Lindzi repeatedly stealing Ben’s line to tell him that she ‘likes where this is going’.  They choose to save dessert for the (surprise) fantasy suite where Lindzi informs us that she’s up for anything.  The next thing you know, Lindzi is going commando in a men’s button down (weirdly not the one he wore to dinner) and basically flashing her ovaries at the awkward cameraman sitting a metre from her and Ben as they round the bases. It sort of makes me wonder, when is Ben allowed to tell the cameras it’s time for them to go?  Clearly they have to get some footage of them making out to show the progression of the relationship, but does he get to call the shots?  Is it like, okay guys, I’m going to fondle her nipple now, it’s time for you to go.  Food for thought.  Either way, I can’t think of anything more awkward than having the job of practically sitting on the bed with these people watching them get hot n’ heavy.

Next on the list…sigh…Courtney.  That girl puts the whore in horrible.  I don’t even know where to start.  I simply can’t believe how stupid Ben is.  It’s actually mind boggling.  I’m so not surprised that this week Courtney decided maybe she should turn it around a bit and apologize for her treatment of the other girls.  After all, the Women Tell All is next week and I’m sure she’s realizing that pretty soon she’ll have to face the public backlash when the season is over.

The minute Courtney started prancing up the hill to see Ben, I wanted to puke and it just didn’t go away.  The only time I had a glimmer of hope was when Courtney was doing her one on one interviews with the mountains in the background and I thought to myself, ‘if only she leaned back just a tiny bit…little bit more…thaaaaat’s it….’ Maybe by the grace of God she would just fall off a cliff and we could all move on.

Their date begins with their total bewilderment of the spotting of a garden gnome, followed by watching them gleefully greet any three dimensional figure that crosses their path.  Notice how Courtney never has to jump out of a plane or swim with sharks or anything?  Apparently, speaking in a baby voice is enough to prove your love if you’re Courtney. 

Ben and Courtney enjoy their picnic despite some awkward moments and a glimpse into Ben’s childhood as we learn how to play the riveting game of ‘Hey Cow.’  Even the cows can’t stand to be around them, though I’m sure their little cow ears did perk up when Ben decided to grow some balls and call Courtney out on her behavior towards the girls and how he observed her twisting the knife every now and then.  Just when I was developing an ounce of pride for Ben for finally addressing the issues and acknowledging that his mother, sister and female friends are probably going to hate her, he of course goes right back into denial and stops the conversation to tell her he’s having fun and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.  Great job, Ben.  You almost thought with your brain there for a sec.

They abandon their blanket and move onto the rest of their date.  At dinner Courtney tries desperately to address the issues once again with Ben and apologize for being a bitch since Day 1.  She confesses that Ben is attractive to her because he’s normal (what a compliment) and tries to explain that ‘she has trust issues’ which doesn’t even make sense in this context but of course, that, and a horrible case of verbal diarrhea spoken in her native up-speak seems to be enough for Ben to go on.  All is forgiven and Ben presents the fantasy suite card to her.  I think it’s pretty safe to say Courtney’s a sure thing, since she has already gone skinny dipping with Ben and done everything in her power to arrange a bootie call with him since Day One.  Ben tries to entice Courtney to the suite by telling her that he wants a moment with her and I don’t know about you gals, but I’m thinking, this better be longer than a ‘moment.’

One minute we’re watching Courtney eye the bearskin rug and the next, good ol’ Emily is in the middle of a tickle fest with her daughter.  It’s great to see drop dead gorgeous Emily again and despite the fact that I think she’s pretty vanilla, I am of course super-excited to watch her ‘find love’ and hopefully meet a nice looking group of guys.  That doesn’t change the fact that I actually cringed when I saw Ali and Ashley ready to greet her.  Ashley in her teeny tiny outfit and giant personality and Ali, well, looking the same as ever with her stringy pony tail and signature yellow.  I’m not really sure what Ali is doing there, since both of her Bachelor experiences so far have been complete and utter failures.  I thought they were going to delve deep into some basic Bachelorette training and instead they used it as an excuse to get their makeup done, accessorize and teach her the fundamentals, such as the fact that the roses for the guys’ lapels are magnets. 

After they get dressed to the nines for no apparent reason, they head over to a private 3D screening of Titanic, which I do think is one of the best love story movies EVER.  The girls look absolutely ridiculous sitting there in their prom dresses with the 3D glasses and I can pretty much guarantee they are freezing.  My normal movie theatre attire is sweats and layers, since it’s always cold.  Pretty sure they aren’t able to lift their legs onto the seats in front of them in those ensembles.  Thank goodness it was a movie so we didn’t have to listen to Ashley talk too much – other than to tell us that the way Jack looks at Rose is the way JP looks at her.  Puke. Once the movie ends, it’s pretty clear no one knows what the hell to do, dressed like that at two in the afternoon, so off they go back to ‘reality’.

Back to Ben…you could tell by the voice on the scenes leading up to Kasie’s return that it was her so I wasn’t surprised to see her arrive.  Clearly she knocked the wind out of Ben when he opened that door though.  It took them both a full ten minutes to regain their normal breathing and Kasie couldn’t even speak right away, you could just hear her throat gurgling and weird sounds escaping.   My heart was truly breaking for Kasie.  You could see how painful every word she was saying was and how hard she was trying to keep her composure.  The fact that he basically admitted it was her parents that ruined her chances at love just sucks, and I bet Daddy’s going to pray on his daughter not hating him forever once he sees this episode.

Finally, Kasie does the right thing and calls out Courtney to Ben who becomes immediately defensive and angry.  You can tell he’s listening, but he’s so pissed off at her that he can’t even stand to have her near him once the words are out.  He rolls his eyes because he’s heard it all before, but DUDE – START LISTENING!!!  Finally he can’t take it anymore, and basically pushes her out the door and leaves her in the hall.  Since no railing is available to do a dramatic ugly-cry, she is forced to improvise and just lies right down on the floor to get the job done.  No!!!! Kasie, don’t ruin your blow dry!!!

Later that evening, Ben is of course, deeply conflicted and Chris tries to help him out.  I believe the conversation consisted of ‘Hey man’.  ‘Hey Man’.  ‘The women will be here in a little bit, so decompress a little bit and I’ll see you in a little bit.’  Um, is it possible for me to slit my writs at this point, a little bit?

The three girls arrive, all in horrible dresses (of course, Courtney is in black pantyhose) and await their fate.  Do they talk to each other there?  I mean, I wouldn’t expect anyone to talk to Courtney, but Lindzi and Nicki seem like friends, no?  Is it even possible to be friends with a girl who is sharing your boyfriend?

Despite the fact that I had a terrible feeling that Courtney would make it through, I still literally held my breath between waiting for him to make it official.  I just can’t believe that he is that big of an idiot and I can’t wait for his family to meet Courtney and for the panic to really set in. 

Then to pour salt in his wounds, as he is walking Nicki out – poor, sweet Nicki – she gives him yet another warning about Courtney.  I mean she never said her name but I assume she wasn’t warning him about Lindzi.  He knocks it right back by feeding her all the same pseudo-comforting lines   about how interesting and wonderful she is and how she will find the right person.  Pretty much everything Ashley said to him when she rejected his proposal that pissed him off.  Way to go.

I can’t believe it’s almost over. Though we have completed episode nine, it’s hard to believe that almost two months ago, we were listening to Ben tell us how much he wants to stick it in Sonoma.  Pretty soon, all we’ll hear will be the rustle of Us Weeklies, as we scramble to read about Ben and Courtney’s break-up and the season that once was. 

What will the covers say?  “Courtney:  The Other C Word”?  or “Bachelor Ben Tells All:  I Do Not Like Where This Is Going” or how about a feature on Kasie; “Ben Is In My Prayers.  Now Can Someone Pray For My Hair?

As usual, only time will tell

Ah…hometown dates.  You never know what kinda whack jobs you’re (hopefully!) gonna get once you’re invited into the ‘real’ worlds of these contestants, however tonight seemed to be pretty whack job free!  Since my day tomorrow will begin with a husband out of town who usually handles the kids Tuesday mornings so I can get to work at the crack of dawn to write in peace, followed by a super-early meeting which seriously cuts into key final edits, the fact that there isn’t a ton to write actually bodes well for me.  Then again, usually when I feel like there’s nothing interesting to say, I end up writing 5000 words, so let’s just see how this goes.  It is now 10:03.

Right off the bat, we get right into the spirit of hometown dates.  The opening montage of girls leaping into said bachelor’s arms from across a field, followed by the high pitched squeals that usually occur when a girl’s mother opens the front door and of course, the foreboding music accompanying the bachelor’s hand lingering on the upper thigh just a bit too long under the harsh glare of Daddy.  Yep, it’s hometowns all right.

Lindzi’s up first, wearing actual spurs on her boots.  I had high hopes for Lindzi as I’ve made it pretty clear she’s my fave this season and the date didn’t disappoint.  I thought it was a little weird that she was showing Ben how to ride the carriage…sort of the reverse of a guy teaching you how to shoot pool in a pool hall or swing a tennis racket.  If Ben hasn’t already lost of few inches in the pants (and I’m not talking about his inseam) just from being near Courtney for this long, I’m afraid he was at risk of losing a couple more with Lindzi driving the cart – especially once the whip got involved.  

Following the emasculating cart ride, Lindzi sets up a picnic for Ben in an area I can only assume reeks like horseshit, though is quite pretty nonetheless.  And whaddayaknow, not eight minutes into the episode, I’m already nauseous about the pre-kiss lip licking.

Lindzi frolics over to her parents, casually dropping the word boyfriend any chance she gets (and making me cringe every time).  Do these girls actually think he’s their boyfriend?  Really?  Clearly her dad has been practicing for meeting Ben since he just can’t wait to announce his ‘wonderful chilled chardonnay!’

The intros overall were very sweet and comfortable and the date continued on that way.  Even as they raced around the never-ending sprawling splendor of their land, Ben tightly gripping the dog by the ass to prevent himself from falling off the cart, you could tell things were rising to a new level with Lindzi.  I got a little emotional when Ben said her dad is the kind of guy he could go to for advice and the whole City Hall connection was cute (though not entirely surprising).  At the end of the day I was left with one thought; if this works out between the two of them, between his winery and her endless land, they have some killer options for free wedding venues.  Almost makes sense to pick her just for that, no?

The next day, Kasie, looking like she’s been helping herself to all the grits a girl could want since her homecoming, giggling like a giddy school girl with post gym hair and wearing what I can only describe as a hideous smock, greets Ben with no less than a full blown marching band full of girls who need to shave their pits in a park named after her grand-daddy (we’re in Tennessee people.  You know it’s grand daddy, not grandpa.)   Never thought I’d get to see not one but two baton-twirling shows in one season, but whoop there it was.

Kasie warns him about her god-fearing daddy, which makes Ben the winemaker really uncomfortable and things start to go downhill from there (except for Kasie’s hair which goes sideways, up, down and around).

I wish I could comment on the conversation at their sitcom dinner table, with everyone on the same side, but to be honest, I couldn’t decipher one word that Kasie’s mom was saying.  Just me?

While Kasie chats with her sister about how she can’t understand why her parents wouldn’t immediately support her marrying this guy (um, you’re 24?  You look seven? They believe in the sanctity of marriage, not the ratings of reality TV?), Ben and her dad settle into the most uncomfortable wooden chairs ever in the other room.  I think the clincher for me was when her dad urged her to make every decision ‘prayerfully’.  I pretty much knew then and there this wouldn’t end well.  Their goodbye was more friendly than anything else and considering that Ben has been kind of glued to Kasie B since day one, it was very telling.

Date number three begins just as the others did, with a close-up on livestock, where Nicki turns on the Texas charm in ridiculous stilettos given that she’s taking Ben on a walking tour of her town on cobblestone streets.  As we sneak a peek at her lower back tramp stamp, it’s pretty evident that Nicki also looks like she’s been chowing down on some Texas barbecue while waiting around for Ben (not that I blame the girl). 

Nicki returns the favor Ben paid her on their Puerto Rican shopping spree date in the rain by taking Ben to get outfitted in his Texas best.  Thank god he had the good sense not to choose those Twinkle Twinkle Little Star boots the salesman seemed to be pushing on him and settled on not just boots, but a hat and a belt, which was easy to spot since his pants were pulled up to his meaty nipples we got a glimpse of last week when he let it all hang out.   All I could think for the remainder of the date was ‘please please please, untuck your shirt.  I didn’t even know it was possible for men to have camel toes until now.

They prepare to meet his amicably divorced parents on a lovely park bench, where they basically consume each other’s faces and then head off to the house.  The meeting of Nicki’s family was just what you’d want it to be and reinforced the fact that she really is just a sweet girl, who thankfully doesn’t gain weight in her face in proportion to the rest of her body.  After Kasie’s semi-disastrous date, I’m putting Nicki way ahead of her at this point.  Nicki’s mom seems to be in a total state of bliss the minute Ben walks into the house (either that or she has a glass eye) and is practically bouncing on the bed when Nicki tell her she’s in love.  Of course when Nicki and her dad were chatting I teared up a bit.  Between his lovely little toast at the end of the night and Ben’s bro-hug with her brother, I would definitely call this date a resounding success.  Though I did think going into the date that Nicki for sure would get the boot tonight (no pun intended), after this date I was definitely rethinking my picks.

Sigh…onto Courtney…was it just me or did anyone else see the symbolism in Courtney’s date opening with a shot of a prickly, dangerous cactus?  From the moment I saw her, I just wanted to punch her in that bullseye of a lip and the feeling didn’t really go away.  Not quite sure what crap she was trying to pull by saying she’s had some time to think and regrets how she may have treated the other girls, but I hope she doesn’t expect us to believe her.

Let’s just get to the point.  Courtney’s mom seemed…a bit…off.  Much like the slanted tablecloth setup for their meal (is this a new décor trend I don’t know about?) something there was just a bit off kilter.   But, the mystery of where Courtney gets her baby voice skills from has been solved.   

Courtney settles right into a speech about how she feels about Ben right in front of Ben while we try to decipher, along with her family if she has fallen, is falling, fell, got a booboo, tripped, etc.  In the meantime, Courtney’s mom shares her concerns to the camera.  “Ben seems like a nice young man, but…”.  Here let me help finish that sentence for ya.  I believe you mean to say “Ben seems like a nice young man, but let’s face it, my daughter’s a psychotic bitch.”

After she fake-cries to her sister about falling in love with Ben, they take off on part two of their date, which apparently, is their wedding.  Huh?

Even when Courtney is being ‘sincere’ with Ben and trying to tell him her feelings, she is still completely incapable of making eye contact.  It’s very un-nerving.  She drops the bomb that this park happens to be the place where she’s always wanted to get married and with Ben clearly underwhelmed, (it’s no Sonoma!), she drags him over to the altar.

If we weren’t sure how much of a vice grip Courtney had on Ben’s balls before, I’m pretty certain it’s clear now, since she basically got him to marry her, rings and all, without ever questioning if this is something he should be doing. 

She must have worked very hard writing her vows, because she has a page of bullets that she was transcribing into broader thoughts for the big moment.  Much like me right now. 

Though Ben’s sentiments are sweet (though how he sees those things in her I still don’t know – honest?  Kind?  Really????), he reads his vows like he’s reciting a grocery list.  I’m really not sure what Courtney is so nervous about, since all she had to do was copy some Bob Marley lyrics (I wanna love you and treat you right, every day and every night.  I swear there was also some Destiny’s Child in there somewhere).

Finally the ‘priest’ bursts their bubble.  “If this were really a wedding, I could pronounce you husband and wife right now.”  But since I’m just a homeless person off the street, this is just awkward.

Ben, completely smitten and Courtney drive away into the sunset in their ‘almost married’ car (did he not notice that throughout the day???) and with that, hometowns are complete.

Going into the rose ceremony, I was flipping back and forth between Kasie and Nicki.  I mean it’s pretty obvious, though I am proud to say I still haven’t read any spoilers, that Courtney goes pretty far if not all the way.  If he can still pick her despite that hideous dress that looked like a map of the desert, then she must be his final pick.  I was also really hoping he would keep Linzi around and I wasn’t disappointed. 

But I have to say, despite seeing how mediocre his date was with Kasie, I still found it to be the most shocking rose ceremony ever (of the season) when he actually sent Frizella home.  Nicki and Lindzi immediately go to her side to comfort her while Courtney stands there cluelessly and then takes two side steps towards her to give some semblance of caring. 

Clearly Kasie was shocked too, as Ben awkwardly walked her to the door and could come up with absolutely nothing to say other than I’m sorry, which just fuelled her humiliating rants on the drive home.  For a second, I thought Audrina Patridge’s mom had snuck into the limo. 

Next week, it’s fantasy suite time and I am sooooo jeaous they get to go to friggin’ unbelievable Switzerland – the perfect setting to push Courtney off a mountain or bury her in an avalanche.  Not sure if anyone comes back or if they’re just teasing us with the whole faceless woman walking determinedly in heels to Ben’s room, but either way, looking forward to it and the icing on the cake of Ali and Ashley prepping Emily for being the new bachelorette (by getting their makeup done?)  Not quite sure how Ali is qualified for this since her and Roberto just broke up, but there are pretty slim pickin’s for previous Bachelorette success stories.

Okay, it’s 11:37.  You may not realize how impressive that is.  In my world, that’s pretty good time.  Till next week!

So of course this being episode # Lucky 7, I’m wondering if we’ll be lucky enough to rid the world of the virus that is Courtney within a two hour span.  Or if we’ll be lucky enough for the cameraman to run out of tape just as Ben leans in to kiss the various girls on his dates so we miss the inevitable pre-kiss lip-licking.  Or if we’ll be lucky enough to be taken out of the tropics for at least one episode for a different kind of eye candy (yes, I’m still waiting with hope for a shopping spree.  What can I say?  I’ve been searching for a shopping scene that rivals Julia Roberts’ in Pretty Woman for many years now and for some reason I feel like this show is going to give it to me.  “Do you work on commission?  Big Mistake.  Huge.  I have to go shopping now!”  Sigh.  No such luck.

It goes without saying that I, as usual, was searching for humour as well.  But of course, amusement was not at the top of the list of emotions felt last night.  How about sheer terror (shark-diving???  It’s like they read my blog from a few weeks ago!)  Or how about anger (really Ben?  That conversation with Courtney at the end was all you needed to make your decision?)  How about disgust (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; guys in tank tops = not okay.)  How about hopelessness? (One day Ben, when you’re sitting alone on the couch waiting for your whore of a wife Courtney to get home from ‘working late’ again, and your gremlin children are driving you crazy, you’ll pick up those old DVD’s and watch your season of love and wonder how you could have been SO uniquely stupid, yet so fatally the same as any guy who has ever thought with his cock.

Belize it or not (sorry), I think last night was a turning point for all of us.  The ladies are getting small in numbers (not in jean size) and usually it’s right about this time that the gold-digging whores are sent packing so the wholesome, pure bachelorettes can finally take center stage.  The fact that Courtney made the cut again-well – I think we all know how this story is going to end.

As we’re treated to the stunning Belize landscape – and I truly do mean stunning, we hear Ben’s voiceover, monotonously stating, with all the introspection of a computer that this is a serious week because of the upcoming hometowns.  The girls jump off the boat and wait for Ben to come greet them in his hideous striped cami.

Of course the girls are all excited about their beautiful suite – though I do have to wonder if they even end up sleeping in them or just using them as central gossip stations, since last week, Courtney clearly invited Ben to ‘her room’ something she would not have been able to do if they were all sharing one.

All the girls are itching for the first one-on-one date.  Courtney because ‘Ben knows she needs it’ and he’ll give it to her if he wants her to accept any further roses from her highness.  Emily because she’s still looking for a chance to redeem herself from nine weeks ago, and Nicki, whom I’ve realized has one eye that is much higher on her face than the other, just because – though for some reason she tells us that her and Ben really don’t need that much more time together.  Really?  You’re ready to tie the knot after one date in the rain?  Well thought out.  The common theme here with most of the girls is that whatever happens, they don’t want Courtney to get the date.  Shocker.  Like the black widow spider she is compared to about 47 times by Kasie B throughout the episode (who – hooray – got a fresh blow dry!), Courtney waits patiently, slowly releasing her venomous idle threats to whoever will listen, that she may not stay if she doesn’t get want she wants.  A very controlled, disturbing, adult tantrum, if you will.

Lindzi scores the first date and wastes no time getting ready.  After all, it does take about four hours to apply that much makeup.  Despite the fact that I am now thinking her dimple may actually be a cavern she rents out for drug smuggling, or as my husband thinks, a potential scar from a good old fashioned face-slashing,, I still think she’s pretty and I like her the best.  When they circle the blue hole pre-jump and Lindzi’s hair is in a ponytail, she reveals just how little training she has in makeup application – seems she has a bit of ring-around-the-jawline going on.  You need to blend girl, blend!

So of course because Ben seems to get off on placing girls in situations they’re terrified of (so he can assert his masculinity and be the ultimate protector), lo and behold, Lindzi has to jump out of a plane!

She’s clearly terrified, as I would be – but more of me surfacing missing the bathing suit I jumped in with – how does a bikini survive that fall?  Never fear, Lindzi!  Ben gives her a dose of his secret medicine – a sloppy-ass kiss as she’s totally nauseas from having to jump and somehow she finds the courage she needs to make the anticlimactic leap.  

Lindzi’s post-swim interview reveals a rainbow of skin pigments as clearly she left most of her bronzer in the blue hole but never fear, dinner approaches and she’s right back where she started, singlehandedly keeping the cosmetics industry alive in a single bound. 

Meanwhile, back at the house, Emily is lamenting the loss of a coveted piece of cheesecake, stolen away just as fork inches towards plate (now you’re speaking my language, girl!) and mind-fighting with Courtney over who will get the next one on one.  Courtney gives us an Oscar-worthy performance by actually shedding a couple of tears and attempting to evoke feelings of sympathy for her given how uncomfortable she must be knowing Ben is on a date with Emily ‘who’s done so many terrible things to her’.  She informs us that that since she placed her breasts directly in front of Ben’s eyeballs the week before, somehow the spark seems to have fizzled.  What a shame.

Ben and Lindzi’s date is heating up as they try to come up with a creative way to express their ‘journey’ on a Post-It.  They settle on a unique ‘one upon a time’ option, while Ben tells Lindzi how open and honest he’s going to be and how he’s going to let her know exactly how he feels (except for that pesky contractual obligation that prevents him from doing exactly that, but anyway…)

The bottle they send off into the moonlight gets stuck under the dock and with that, their fantasy is over and back to the bunkhouse Lindzi goes. 

The next morning, it’s Emily’s turn…the girls wish her well, except for Creepy Courtney who says ‘see ya later’ with her usual lack of eye contact.

Emily’s date is cute and natural and reminds me of my honeymoon in Costa Rica, except I don’t recall a romantic walk that ended with witnessing the murder of lobsters and getting picked up by a fisherman.  Was Emily really excited to go diving for lobsters?  I mean seriously…I’m all for eating them but I’m more of a gatherer type of person than a hunter.   Give me a shopping cart in a well-lit grocery store on a Saturday afternoon with my kids at home and an hour to myself and I’ll gather up any old groceries you like.  Hell, I’ll gather takeout menus, reservations, you name it.  But I do not feel the need to kill for my dinner.  Just sayin’.  Not to mention the sanitation issue of those snorkel mouth pieces.  I highly doubt the fisherman properly cleaned them before giving them over to the lovebirds.  Then again, I still think I’d rather have one of those nasty-ass things in my mouth than Ben’s tongue.

They finally catch their lobsters and moments later, they sit down to enjoy the fruits of their labour and give me time to realize that Emily has left half of her eyebrows back at the house.  Bile starts to rise in my throat as Ben leans in for yet another long, lingering, wet kiss and thank god we are taken back to the house just as things are getting too intimate to bear, only to discover that somehow Courtney and Lindzi have become BFF.  I don’t like this.  Not one bit.  I’m not quite sure how Lindzi can sit there listening to Courtney pour her heart out about Ben when Lindzi is fresh off her date, but I guess Lindzi is just too nice.

The foreboding music kicks in and the date card arrives and we should have known – Courtney gets it.  Her evil voice, quickly transforms into well, another evil voice, as she proclaims all sorts of things that made me sick, such as ‘he listened!  And ‘oh snap!  My fingers were furiously typing and eventually I just had to stop and listen in awe to the things coming out of her mouth.  I may be a blogger, but I’m also a viewer, right?

She frolics out of the house with a pleasant ‘can’t stand y’all!’ and meets Ben with a fresh new baby voice right off the plane.  As they walk through the forest, I am pleased to confirm that Courtney’s legs do in fact, suck.  They connect at the knees, are slightly chunkier than the rest of her frame, and in general, are a detriment to potential future runway jobs.  Poor struggling model.

They come across the astounding Mayan temple, which truly is an incredible site and one that is surely too sacred to be tainted by the likes of Courtney.  Yet, they begin their ascent to the top where they comfortably spread out a hand job blanket.  I have to say I find it quite fitting that they’re climbing towards a sacrificial altar, since every moment Ben spends with her he is sacrificing more and more of his soul. 

Ben tells Courtney he wants someone ‘weird’ because he’s weird (don’t flatter yourself) and that this ‘journey’ has really helped him understand what he’s looking for in a girl and he can see that in her.  How in all his introspection, the spinner has somehow landed on Courtney is beyond astounding to me, but then again, he wears tank tops.

They arrive at dinner, where their food waits, probably cold and most certainly infested with insects (but no worries it’s not like they’re going to eat any of it) and we get a chance to hear Courtney manipulate the conversation by telling Ben she’s not sure if she wants him to meet her family – which of course only makes him want it more – sheer genius.  She also informs Ben that the girls in the house are vanilla and not the kind of people she’d be friends with since they’re so into themselves.  Um, are you serious?  They are into themselves???  Ben just sits there nodding, trying to ignore Jiminy Cricket jack-hammering through his shoulder as she seals the deal by admitting that she also, by the way, has no female friends. Ding ding ding ding!  It’s one thing to be a girl who doesn’t particularly like another girl.  But guys.  Come on.  Any girl that seems incapable of making female friends is most likely a) a bitch, b) a whore and c) all of the above.  If you’re looking to find a girl to take home to mom and fit in with your buddies, look elsewhere. 

Finally, as the silvery moonlight casts a glow on her bottom lip, I see that Courtney is sporting the beginnings of a Herpalicious cold sore!  Is it Christmas???    It’s hard to notice since her top lip comes crashing down over her entire face so often, but look closely – it’s there.  Of course no date with Courtney would be complete without several annoying movie quotes, her finger-guns blazing at the camera in her best attempt at a sexy cop.  Based on those acting skills, at least we don’t have to worry about seeing her on TV once this show is over (though shocker, she is on this week’s cover of Us Weekly as ‘The Bachelor Man Eater – she’s worse than you think!’.  Way to feed the animals.

Ok.  Group date time.  My heart is starting to beat quicker just thinking about it and I was in a full blown panic from the pre-commercial ‘coming up’ montage!  Not to mention the fact that I thought we were going to be exposed to the girls shaving their bikini lines at four in the morning.  That’s just dangerous when you’re half asleep.  Clearly they didn’t have too much time to put thought into their outfits either because Rachel shows up wearing a sweater and moccasins and don’t even get me started on Kasey B and the oversized t-shirt and soccer mom hoodie.  The only thing that could distract me from their outfits were the tan lines on Nicki’s boobs.

Shark diving?  Seriously?   What kind of bullshit is this?  The idea that in order to prove themselves worthy of love, these girls have to consistently encounter near-death experiences is simply not fair.  These are dainty little women, Ben.  And I’m sorry, but this has nothing to do with trusting you.  What are you going to do if a shark attacks one of these girls?  Play it a song on the piano?  If them sharks be hungry, they be eating.  And thank you, Rachel for confirming what I know in my heart of hearts to be true; that lake sharks do exist and they are deadly.  As God as my witness, I would tell Ben to go eff himself and work on my tan while the rest of those chicks plunged themselves into that puddle of death.  So there.  If that means I don’t get a rose, fine.  At least I’ll have my principles and my limbs.

Of course, Kasie and Nicki are the biggest fools on the date because they’re risking their lives for nothing, since Rachel is completely monopolizing  Ben’s time – and well she should,.  I’m surprised Kasie didn’t play the anorexia card like she did last week.  I mean, after all, she was anorexic for almost a whole year.  Not to diminish how scarring that eight minutes with the disease must have been, but there are people who battle it for life.  I might as well say I’m anorexic between breakfast and lunch every day.

The girls finally all get to share some one-on-one time with Ben where Ben nods throughout the conversations like they’re all on job interviews.  I don’t know how he kept a straight face with Kasie’s hair and that ridiculous red flower jutting out of her ear.  I don’t even know what to say anymore about that.

I didn’t realize that they were basically having lunch right underneath the other girls’ balcony where Courtney the stalker watches them right after throwing just enough one-liners to drive a nail through the hearts of the other girls – like ‘we had a late night last night’.  

While Courtney informs us that Kasie is a little girl in a little boy’s body, her ears must have been burning since she chose to spy on them just as they are attempting the most pathetic intervention ever.  I thought by last week’s preview that they were going to sit him down and give it to him straight.  I should have known we were being played where Courtney is involved. 

Fast forward to the rose ceremony.  I don’t know if Courtney thinks she’s at a photo shoot for some insane asylum pamphlet or if she’s just doing some basic facial exercises but her expressions while all the other girls are having a normal adult conversation about how the night will go are beyond.  Beyond what?  I don’t know.  Just beyond.  You can just see their wheels turning as she basically admits she couldn’t care less about Ben and I’m furiously typing again trying to capture it all.  Finally I am spent once more and I just have to stop to enjoy her moment in all its absurdity.  And once again, she ruins a perfectly good movie by butchering a quote as she takes advantage of the open bar. 

When Ben approaches, I don’t know why he even bothers having the heart to heart with Courtney and frankly I don’t think it’s fair to the other girls as I’m sure they would have liked the opportunity to clarify any last minute issues.  What did you expect Courtney to say?  The girls are right?  I don’t actually care about you?  Thanks for pointing that out?  Obviously you’re going to get more of the same BS she’s been spewing all season.  Ridiculous.

Courtney once again, frolics with her gross legs back to the line-up, her web of lies trailing behind her, where, surprise surprise, she makes the cut once again.  Does Ben not hear her mean girl antics when she says things like ‘wouldn’t wanna be ya!’ and cackles loudly at the sunken-shouldered castoffs departing in tears?  You can only ignore that kind of behaviour for so long!

Rachel looked like she was going to have explosive diarrhea all over the boardwalk and as she and Emily departed, I have to say I was disappointed.  If it were me, I would use that opportunity to call Courtney out in front of everyone.  Why not?  You’ve already lost your chance with Ben.  You’re not exactly going to be BFF with her after the show.  It’ll all come out on The Women Tell All (can’t wait!), so why not stir the pot before you drag your ass back to real life.  I’d love to see a full on confrontation at a rose ceremony one of these days instead of girls wishing the guy who just broke their heart love and happiness.

Anyways…I am getting more and more nervous for Ben…but also excited at the prospect that he may actually pick Courtney in the end.  At this point, might as well go all the way right?  He’ll no doubt grace the cover of many future magazines calling him out for being one of the biggest idiots the show has ever seen, second only perhaps to Jake who also chose the train wreck from his season Vienna.  And we all know how that ended.  Between the Women Tell All and After the Final Rose, he’ll be completely devoid of testicles by the end of the season, and Courtney will show up with them in her hot little hand to the  season premiere of Bachelor Pad 3 – Hollah!